TITLE: Smart Mouth
GENRE: Middle Grade
Operation Flee Chicago was underway. T minus zero.
Portfolio, check.
Application, check.
The envelope was thick with my best artwork. I placed a lucky bead from my mom's necklace in the bottom of the envelope. Only ten students made art club. Art club traveled to New York City with Ms. Pearl for an entire week in May. Most kids applied in hopes of ditching school.
Not me. I planned to go and never return to the rat hole apartment I shared with Dad and my new stepfamily.
One year, two months, and four days ago, Mom moved to Manhattan after the divorce. I hadn’t seen her in six months. Making art club would be my one-way ticket out of Chicago. For good.
It sure beat plan B: sneaking on a train downtown and living like a bum until I made it to Grand Central Station. Or plan C: shipping myself overnight FedEx. Or plan D: getting in so much trouble that Dad gave up custody of me.
Just as I was licking the seal on my envelope, my stepsister, DejaLee, sauntered into the room finishing a donut. She sucked the powdered sugar off her fingers.
“Whatcha doing, Venus?”
“Scram, kid. I’m busy. Go watch TV.”
During the past half hour, I ironed my uniform and perfected my hair. I noticed a hair out of place and set my application down.
DejaLee snatched my application packet off my dresser, and scurried into the bathroom.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like everything about this. I love the voice...and I love the alternate plans. I'm hooked. I want to know if DejaLee ruins the packet. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI thought the writing was good and you created a nice voice, but I just wasn't buying the premise.
ReplyDeleteI mean, why not just call mom and ask if she can switch households? Or ask to come visit, then worry about staying there (which she'll have to do anyway, regardless of which of her plans she uses) when she gets there? It just seems a convoluted way to get what she wants, when there's a much easier way available to her. Especially since only ten kids are chosen for art club. What are the odds she'll make it?
Also loved the voice and the character immediately, though it did read somewhat older than MG to me, but that might just be me. My only real quibble was with the word "scram," which I haven't heard anyone--adult or child--use in real life, ever.
ReplyDeleteI imagine you probably address Barbara's question about the premise soon in the following pages, and I am totally hooked enough to wait until then to find out why the protag can't just call Mom. Nicely done!
I like the voice and I agree with above that it sounded a little more mature than middle grade. I do think that kids don't think logically about just calling and asking mom, so I'm fine with the premise. I think it leaves us with the question: why? Why doesn't the kid just call up mom? Seems like it may be part of the plot. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise and would read more. I like the character's voice (good job!). But my first impression was that there was too much telling in those first few longer paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and would read on. I love the voice. And I find "a girl with a plan" to be a compelling opening. Also love that she has thought through so many ways of getting what she wants.
ReplyDeleteAnd I love that you show us at the end how awful her step-sister really is!
Voice is appealing! I like the lists, the humor.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet I felt like I was being told a fair bit of backstory pretty quick in the tale.
I understand that you need to get us up to speed on why this person wants to run away, but I prefer to be more 'grounded' (excuse the bad pun) in their world and carried away by the immediate action.
That said, you do have a very fact-and-list-oriented MC. So, maybe it fits.
I like the humor, and the first line reeled me right in. I did wonder why she could not contact her Mom, or why if she could not call her, the mom had not talked to her for so long. In a way it created suspense, but it also made the story a little less believable. Can we have a hint earlier why the Art Club is the only way she sees to make this trip happen?
ReplyDeleteOverall, I would keep reading because of the tone and humor.
I can buy into wanting to make art club to get to NY. But I'd rather see this story open somewhere else with more suspense as to if, how and why she needs to get there. As it is now, it's rather sedate and linear.
ReplyDelete@ Robbin-
ReplyDeleteMost MG novels are pretty linear, but I wonder if this author could start a little earlier to create more suspense.
I think the voice of the narrator is dead-on, and fresh for MGs...I can't think of too many MGs that fit this mold.
I keep reading for sure.
Voice was awesome. Like the checklist style of pacing, and the plan a, b, c. I loved the powdered donut reference, made me think of my 7yo daughter, my powdered donut fiend, and I can so see a kid doing that.
ReplyDeleteScram is a little old. I could see "get lost" fitting in better.
I'd definitely keep reading.
I like how the goal comes early, as does the opposition. And the sentences read pretty well, too (no word-use errors, for example).
ReplyDeleteThree things tripped me up, though. First, the entire second paragraph is about the envelope, art club, etc. -- EXCEPT for the lucky bead sentence, which felt really out of place there.
Second paragraphs five and six contain "I planned to go and never return" and "Making art club would be my one-way ticket out of Chicago...." These felt like the exact same point being made two separate ways. Thus, the second was redundant.
Third, if DejaLee is supposed to be her step-sister, why does she say, "Scram, kid"? Is there a big age difference we're not aware of? It just didn't seem like a thing a student would say.
This is solidly good and I would probably read on, but it could be better. I don't get a sense of the age of these characters or when this takes place. "Scram, kid." Implies that Venus is much older, so Dejalee needs some description here to orient the reader. "Scram, kid." also implies that this takes place in the Leave It to Beaver era, so again...orienting the reader and setting the scene is key in fixing this.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is fun though. I really would keep reading.
No. Opening doesn't work. It's not telling me anything. It's only warning me that I might have trouble comprehending the story very early. There's too much competition in Children's lit to make a mistake in this the first vital intro to a story. Action is what you want. A good hook.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of librarians out there who have a manuscript in the bottom drawer to miss your chance at getting published. Slush piles are huge and competitive.
I like your character - I want her to reach her goal, but I also want her to work things out with her Dad and new stepfamily. Both of which may happen by the end of the story - I like happy endings. :)
ReplyDeleteI do not read MG, so I'm not sure if this comment is on the mark or not... That her sister ran off with the envelope is expected. The moment the sister comes in the room, you just know she's going to do something bratty like that. Now, if this is how MG works - then that's fine. If not, maybe have the sister notice the envelope but not take it. Maybe she ends up taking it when Venus isn't looking? That would set up more tension for me.