I would take out a few words... "Sadie Jackson set her dead mother's necklace on the pawnshop counter, trying not to think of her father. I might even eliminate 'dead'.
Not hooked, sorry. A little too much info tried to pack into one line so it doesn't feel unique or showing off her voice strongly enough.
Possibly if she just set the necklace on the pawnsho counter (leaving out it's her dead mother's) and barters with whomever she's trying to sell it to, and then weave in the information that 1.) it's her mother's (who died) and 2.) what would he father think? the opening might work better.
It seems to me that the point of this sentence is that she's trying not to think of her father, so that part should lead, not the part about the necklace. "Sadie Jackson tried not to think of her father as she set her dead mother's necklace on the clear, pawnshop counter."
Except for the word "clear" I like it. I'm immediately thinking about her relationship with her father. I'm guessing that's important to the story rather than her mother being dead. That's the part I'd expect to see unfold not finding out about her dead mom.
I like finishing the sentence with thoughts of her father because that would lead naturally to further sentences about the father.
Not hooked, but I might read a little further.
ReplyDeleteHooked by the title, but not so much by the text. Would read on to see how it developed.
ReplyDeleteI'm into it, title and first 25, would keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI like it. But I found clear distracting. The rest of the sentence was so precise and smooth, the clear felt out of place.
ReplyDeleteI would take out a few words...
ReplyDelete"Sadie Jackson set her dead mother's necklace on the pawnshop counter, trying not to think of her father. I might even eliminate 'dead'.
I would read on.
I'm pretty sure I'd have to read at least a little further on this one.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. I'm intrigued and the title catches my eye as well. ^_^
ReplyDeleteThis is beautifully done. Great opening line.
ReplyDeleteNot really. Sorry. I feel like I already know what's going to happen based on the title and first line, and I want to be surprised.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Vicki 100%.
ReplyDeleteI'm not completely hooked but there's enough there, along with the title that would keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteI'd agree with losing "clear" but not "dead." Dead is the interesting part! I like this, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteCompletely Hooked. I think 'dead' is very important here.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. A little too much info tried to pack into one line so it doesn't feel unique or showing off her voice strongly enough.
ReplyDeletePossibly if she just set the necklace on the pawnsho counter (leaving out it's her dead mother's) and barters with whomever she's trying to sell it to, and then weave in the information that 1.) it's her mother's (who died) and 2.) what would he father think? the opening might work better.
Good but I'd take out the word "When". I think it would read better and grab more strongly.
ReplyDeleteI'm somewhat hooked, but I agree with Vicki's assessment on how you could make the sentence stronger.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that the point of this sentence is that she's trying not to think of her father, so that part should lead, not the part about the necklace. "Sadie Jackson tried not to think of her father as she set her dead mother's necklace on the clear, pawnshop counter."
ReplyDeleteIt feels just a tad cliched (and to me it's often a bit awkward to use full names in opening sentences), but I'd want to see what came next.
ReplyDeleteExcept for the word "clear" I like it. I'm immediately thinking about her relationship with her father. I'm guessing that's important to the story rather than her mother being dead. That's the part I'd expect to see unfold not finding out about her dead mom.
ReplyDeleteI like finishing the sentence with thoughts of her father because that would lead naturally to further sentences about the father.