This just seemed disjointed to me. "just as everyone is winding down for the holidays, there he is." I get the impression that he does this every Christmas. I would read on to see why he's so enthusiastic.
25 words is hard to get the correct feel for the story. I love this genre but it sounded a little juvenile to me.. I also did not like the eager beaver its a cliche...
Not quite hooked--could be genre or the question up front (now if you'd said what KIND of job, I might be more intrigued...) or also, I don't know, but at least in retail, things don't calm down until after New Year's, so I'm wondering what the comment about everyone winding down means... most people I know aren't calm until after the 1st of the year. :P Could be just me.
I almost like the voice, though, so with a bit more, I might read on.
I like the idea of someone who's established up front as a non-conformer so I'd probably go another sentence or two. I do think it could be crisper, tho.
I'd have to read more to decide - because it's quite possible you used "all eager beaver and enthusiasm" quite deliberately, and the reason will become apparent in the following sentences.
A lot of people start second jobs during the holidays to pay for their excessive purchases. Not getting that this is out of the ordinary.
Did he start on Christmas Day? Now that might be an intriguing detail in both why would he start a job that day and why would a company put him to work on that day. Starting 'at Christmas' doesn't pin it down to the day for me. It's a broad holiday.
Need more to go on, but I'd probably keep going to see if momentum builds
ReplyDeleteSounds like it might be a funny book.
ReplyDeletecute, I'd read a little more
ReplyDeleteI don't know who's speaking or who he is, so I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
I would keep reading. I think it's funny.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. When I read a question in a query or a book, I immediately answer it -- and never nicely!
ReplyDeleteEager beaver is a cliche. You don't want that in your writing.
This just seemed disjointed to me. "just as everyone is winding down for the holidays, there he is." I get the impression that he does this every Christmas. I would read on to see why he's so enthusiastic.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Vicki - this is too disjointed. I'd say cut that first question, at least. And give him a name, or at least an identifier.
ReplyDelete25 words is hard to get the correct feel for the story. I love this genre but it sounded a little juvenile to me.. I also did not like the eager beaver its a cliche...
ReplyDeleteI might read more.. Thanks for posting
I don't think I'm hooked. Maybe just a genre thing.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked--could be genre or the question up front (now if you'd said what KIND of job, I might be more intrigued...) or also, I don't know, but at least in retail, things don't calm down until after New Year's, so I'm wondering what the comment about everyone winding down means... most people I know aren't calm until after the 1st of the year. :P Could be just me.
ReplyDeleteI almost like the voice, though, so with a bit more, I might read on.
I like the idea of someone who's established up front as a non-conformer so I'd probably go another sentence or two. I do think it could be crisper, tho.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. You've given me no real information, and not too much to wonder about.
ReplyDeleteI'd have to read more to decide - because it's quite possible you used "all eager beaver and enthusiasm" quite deliberately, and the reason will become apparent in the following sentences.
ReplyDeleteA lot of people start second jobs during the holidays to pay for their excessive purchases. Not getting that this is out of the ordinary.
ReplyDeleteDid he start on Christmas Day? Now that might be an intriguing detail in both why would he start a job that day and why would a company put him to work on that day. Starting 'at Christmas' doesn't pin it down to the day for me. It's a broad holiday.