TITLE: GRIT OF HEART
GENRE: WOMEN'S FICTION/ROMANCE
I was simply too tired for his charm to be charming. In fact,
since I’d already bludgeoned the medical code of ethics today,
overdosing him just to shut him up seemed to be an acceptable degree
of wrong.
Fortunately, and unfortunately, I didn’t have enough morphine to
do it. The last injection would neither shut him up nor take the bite
out of what I had to do next.
I tightened the tourniquet around his leg. The blood oozed from his
nicked artery, an improvement from the pulsating rush it had been just
moments before.
“This is morphine,” I told him even as I injected it, breaking
another hindrance of a rule.
He shrugged, impersonating composure to the point of
disinterest. He sat against one of the four wooden beams charitably
holding up the makeshift hut, shifting often. He tried to smile, but
I knew he was in pain. And if he wasn’t in pain, we had bigger
problems.
“You’re the doc,” he drawled. Apparently he was out of
wisecracks. That only solved one of our issues.
An explosion outside rattled the hut, my nerves, and the gloves
in my hands. I picked them back up, and pulled the makings of
stitches out of my kit.
"We’re winning,” he told me confidently. “We always win.”
“That’s good,” I commented neutrally. By ‘we’ I had to assume
he meant the other black-clad soldiers littering the field and aiming
their guns at Team Khaki. Whether that really was good, I couldn’t
say.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good writing and introduction to the scene. I think you can delete "neutrally" after commented. It unnecessarily tells the reader what they learn from her thoughts. Please take this with a grain of salt, but there is something about your title that is off for me. Others might love it. For me I didn't like the sound of it. Don't change it if you are in love with it.
ReplyDeleteThe title didn't put me off, but it didn't grab me either. Although, from what I understand the publishers will change the title anyway.
ReplyDeleteI was hooked with the "overdosing him to shut him up" line. I love the voice and the internalization. it definitely reads more romance than women's fiction though.
I was confused by her doctoring the man's wounds and then discovering that they were in some sort of mock battle. Why the real wound? Of if it is a real battle and the MC is being sarcastic I hope it's cleared up with word 251.
Good job
I love the main character. The second sentence of the first paragraph was great but I had to reread it. I might get rid of "In fact", which, followed by "since" seems unnecessary. Just start with Since.
ReplyDeleteI had a few issues with the repetitions. They stopped the flow for me. Charm and charming worked, but then fortunately and unfortunately didn't. Pain and pain stopped me in paragraph four. But these are minor issues.
Overall good writing and I'm hooked.
I really like this, but hate the title. I know it doesn't really matter, but thought I'd mention it. I know what you are trying to say with the line, "He shrugged, impersonating composure to the point of disinterest," but I had to re-read it. I think it may have been the phrase impersonating composure. Easy fix and I'm ready to read more!
ReplyDeleteThere's a lot of interesting things happening in this piece. The patient is a curious fellow. The medic has attitude. And you describe the treatment well.
ReplyDeleteBut the story starts up in her(?) head, which is an odd choice. Before we know where we are, or who's in the tent (including their gender), we have a bunch of internal dialogue.
I'd consider setting the scene just a little bit so we know who she's talking about.
I wasn't hooked, but I wasn't not hooked either. I think you have a lot of good things working here. I liked your MC and the situation you put her in. And there was a nice variety of dialogue and action.
ReplyDeleteWhat bothered me was the use of a lot of extraneous words, which are easy enough to get rid of or change. Simply, in fact, fortunately, unfortunately, even, hindrance of a rule, charitably, apparently, neutrally, confidently.
There were enough in this short sample for me to wonder what it would be like reading the whole novel. Perhaps get rid of as many as you can. Most are adverbs - ly words- and are easy enough to pick out. They really do take away from what you've written.
a bit wordy, which halted the flow and killed my interest, but like a previous poster mentioned, easy to fix. Need to loose the extra words, tighten up a bit, and I think this is fantastic...although I have no idea who the MC is, where they are, or how he got injured so horribly. What era is it? Recent? What is her rank? Is she really a doc or just someone that happened to walk by? The reader will draw conclusions if you don't give the info...
ReplyDeleteI agree as well, it was a bit wordy, but yet a little more description filtered throughout. Setting the stage a little more so we know why she is so tired.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and I'd read more. I feel I can relate with your MC. She came across very real.
Good job
This is an intriguing story, and I wanted to read more.
ReplyDeleteI liked the dry humour and the dialogue, but thought the language was a bit formal in parts eg 'breaking another hindrance of a rule'. Thought you could just get by with 'breaking another rule'. This would convey the same message but be clearer for the reader.
It's hard with only 250 words, but I really wanted to know where this action was taking place - obviously a battle field, but where - and in which era?
I would keep reading.
I felt like the description took me one way then another--charm/not;fortunately/not;in pain/not...It kept me from the story.
ReplyDeleteI really had no sense of where they were or why I'd care. That he's injured or she's annoyed isn't enough for me.
Yes I like your voice. I am not stopping to read after 250 words because you are establishing the character and setting me up to like her, and at the same time enjoying your writing style.
ReplyDeleteAmerican Idol, you'd be getting the yellow ticket to Hollywood.
How could the male character be charming when he's in pain? Or am I misreading it?
ReplyDeleteConsider cleaning up some of the LY's. A little overwritten...but I'm captivated enough to continue reading.
The title left me cold.
The writing is pretty good, but this doesn't grab me enough, and the "he" didn't come off as particularly appealing. If he's your leading man, then you want to make sure he elicits a visceral reaction from your reader from the first time we meet him. In this scene, he's too vague and almost passive--even when he's acting cocky. I can't picture him at all.
ReplyDeleteThanks! He's not my leading man, but he is a central character, and nothing if not cocky! Thanks to everyone for all the input.
ReplyDelete