TITLE: Wilder Times
GENRE: YA
Katrina Hayes was dying. She was sure of it. It was tachycardia. She remembered reading about this in health. Rapid pulse. Dizziness. Chest pain. Sweating. She was going to keel over any second, face down on the polished concrete. Right in front of Jackson’s locker. Which was perfect. Because then he would know what he had done to her.
Unless.
Unless she killed him first.
Which only made sense. Why should she be the one to die when this was all his fault?
She took a deep, cleansing breath and told her heart it had to slow down. Seriously. It was dangerous to have it beating so fast. Katrina looked at her wristwatch—synchronized to school time. Only one minute left. So she quietly counted every one of those seconds, warning her heart to beat only on her count, nothing more.
The buzzer sounded. She was late. She pounded her fist on Jackson’s locker. Then she reached into her pack and pulled out a purple dry erase marker. She glanced down the hall. It was clear. She quickly scribbled on his locker:
U R DEAD!
Then she ran up two flights of stairs and down to the end of the corridor. Math. She slipped into her seat while Mr. Gardner was writing at the board. Thank you Converse, she thought. She hadn’t made a sound. Her classmates didn’t notice her either. Three minutes into class and their eyes had already glazed over. It was that bad.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This one lost me. I thought I was sympathetic with the protag at first, but then, well, I don't like people who make death threats. You might need to explain what the conflict is between them with a sentence or two to get across why she makes the leap to murder. Also, there's a tense slip in the begining that pulled me out. I like it, but it's a tough sell.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely lost here. I like the writing, but at the same time I felt like the MC feels a bit on the dramatic side and not someone I would care enough about to keep reading. I think if you tone and slow down the opener it could be much better and concise.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the melodramatic tone of the first paragraph and I liked the voice of the piece. The death threat didn't bother me either, especially since it was written with a dry erase marker. How serious can that be? Permanent marker in red much more menacing.
ReplyDeleteI got lost with the buzzer and school time. When she only has one minute left, I assumed school was about to be let out. So, when I read "She was late." I was confused. Maybe a sentence stating--last for math or something along those lines--this would be cleared up.
I want to know why Jackson must die and would read on. Good job
I like this. I love the drama and melodrama--it just works for me. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read on to see what exactly Jackson had done to warrant a death threat, but Katrina so far isn't entirely sympathetic or trustworthy.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph basically sets her up as a hypochondriac and/or melodramatic, which granted, a lot of teenagers are, but you want to be careful if she is going to be your hero. Maybe she's an anti-hero.
I'd read on, but if Jackson didn't do something pretty bad, I can see myself not being able to really get into Katrina's character.
That said...you have the teenage "voice" nailed and I like the title.
I'm very intrigued to learn about what Jackson has done, but it seemed like she recovered far too quickly from almost dying.
ReplyDeleteI like the teenaged angst of the first paragraph. I too got lost with the buzzer paragraph. I would read on but her anger at Jackson has to be justified, or I wouldn't put up with her drama for long. Good job.
ReplyDeleteLove the title!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the first paragraph, but then like the others felt like the bell ringing became a disconnect.
It was hard to get back into it after that. Plus I had a totally different picture of why she felt like she was about to die. I, like some of the others, also pictured Jackson being there.
I definitely don't mind the threat on the locker, but I am confused at why she's doing it.
The voice is great and I would definitely continue reading!
I too don't mind the death threat (for now) or the melodrama. I didn't think Jackson was present.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think you could break up the first 'graph and make the choppiness work better for you.
Also had problem with buzzer 'graph, but for different reasons than above. She knows she has one minute left and counts out all 60 seconds to calm her racing heart (rather detailed). So why does she seem annoyed when the buzzer sounds and she realizes she's late? Why does she pound her fist on Jackson's locker? She knew she'd be late.
One more nitpicky thing: add comme between Thank you and Converse.
I am intrigued and would keep reading.
I didn't feel that the MC was really dying, but rather that she was exaggerating, which made it believable to me that she would recover so quickly. I definitely agree with the others, the death threat in YA needs to go.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep on reading to find out what happened to her classmates.
I like unsympathetic and untrustworthy narrators :D
ReplyDeleteThe "dying" melodrama helps gives some internal consistency for me re: the death threat scrawl. I might consider including a brief internal monologue moment about why she does it in dry erase (because she IS just being melodramatic, as opposed to scary).
But overall, I'd read on :)
I liked your voice and the writing. Everything was clear to me and I didn't get lost. The melodrama was spot on for YA, IMHO. I would keep reading. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI loved this! I saw her as being melodramatic, and maybe even a potential stalker type who just might kill Jackson. And that's what pulled me in. Would she really kill him, or was she just being a teenager. Either way, she'd be an interesting character to follow, and that matters more to me than whether or not I like her.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get why she pounded on Jackson's locker, since it seemed she knew she would be late. And I didn't have a problem with writing a death threat, whether in dry erase or blood. If that's how the story goes, that's how it goes. There are almost no no-no's in YA any more. I'm hooked!
I was lost, or something didn't connect with me. Is she being overdramatic, or is she a hypochondriac, or is she really dying? Also she has just told herself to slow down so she doesn't "die" and then later we read that she's zipping down the halls and up two flights of stairs and nonchalantly sitting in her desk.
ReplyDeleteI need a little more bite of conflict to relate to the MC and action better.
I liked this! The melodrama in the first paragraph made me laugh. We've all felt like that, haven't we?! I liked the voice, too. I want to read the rest!
ReplyDeleteI guess I must be the only one, but I didn't like the use of tachycardia in the 1st paragraph. And I had to read the piece several times and then read the comments to get an idea of what was going on. I was lost. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis opener would be much, much stronger without the entire 5th paragraph ("She took a deep, cleansing..."). That whole paragraph feels unnecessary and repetitive and since I don't even understand why she's doing that, I disconnect with the character. I think this writer will lose a lot of editors/agents at that point.
ReplyDeleteThe tachycardia and cleansing breath threw me out of it. My mother-- a nurse-- talks like this but a teen?
ReplyDeleteConverse? The shoe? I don't like having to assume I know what the author meant.
I'd read on. I got lost a bit after the buzzer and in the frequency of the word "was" but it didn't make me want to stop reading. :-)
ReplyDelete