TITLE: The Twins of Tessar
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Get back home and feed the chickens like I told you!
Yolanda ignored the voice in her head, clambered over the broken-down fence and ran across the fields, out toward the sycamore at the edge of MacGroder’s farm. She longed to climb into the arms of the old tree like she'd always used to do, to get away from Mama, to dream, or hide in a book. Yolanda wanted to go on pretending that everything was fine and she hadn't seen that boy's face staring back at her in the mirror this morning, but she knew, this time, she had to tell somebody.
She ran on past the sycamore and up toward George’s Mountain, the biggest of the lumpy hills that stood like a wall around the Huskaloosa Valley. Miz Becca, the old midwife, lived somewhere near the top, but Yolanda didn't know where exactly. As she trampled up the deer tracks at the foot of the mountain, she could still picture his face, especially his sparkling green eyes that looked exactly like hers, only brighter, more alive somehow. It wouldn't be easy to tell her about him.
don’t you go up there, talking crazy
I’m going, Mama, and you can’t stop me.
Yolanda climbed harder, remembering how she'd woken in a sweat, sat straight up and stumbled to the corner of her cabin she called the bathroom to get some water. Usually she avoided looking in the mirror, with its long crack that broke her reflection into two pieces that didn’t quite match up.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm hooked. I love this. I might skip the first sentence and just start with Yolanda ignoring, but this is good. I love it. I want to read more NOW.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning is pretty good, and I feel pretty grounded. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteFantasy is totally not my genre, but you've hooked me here. I love the description. The first italicized sentence is the voice in her head, the second italicized sentence sounds like her Mama. It seems like they should be the same voice. Is it hers or her Mama's? Great job.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great hook, but I feel like you could just do away with the first sentence. The bit about the mirror is great and because of the title, the reader can already start wondering what this is all about. Would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI love the foreshadowing about the mirror's crack splitting her face into two pieces that didn't match. That's just perfect.
ReplyDeleteYolanda has a strong, clear voice. Not sure if you meant to use lowercase with Mama's "crazy" thought - personally, I'd capitalize. I love how she's arguing with Mama in her head. Makes me want to find out more about their relationship.
Nice setting description too. I'd definitely keep reading!
I'm totally intrigued to find about the face in the mirror! I would definitely read more of this!
ReplyDeleteVery well written. Liked it and would read on to see what's going to happen. I agree that the crack in the mirror very creative.
ReplyDeleteGood job
I really liked the intro here. The writing is taut and we get a good sense for character and there's a clearly a mystery aspect to it. I would definitely read more. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first sentence because without it, we don't get what the voice in her head is when you mention it in the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, if the voice is Mama, and she can communicate telepathically, how can Yolanda ever escape her?
I like the insinuation of who/what Miz Becca is. Yolanda seems to know about her, but not know her personally since she doesn't know where she lives, and yet this is the person she must tell.
The last paragraph seemed a bit muddled and the writing could be cleaned up a bit, but overall, there's enough to make me want to read on.
Loved this. It's perfectly woven with excellent imagery and great suspense. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. Great voice. I'm hooked and I'd read more for sure.
ReplyDeleteI liked the italics for the thoughts, but is she telepathic, or just hearing the echoes of her mama's harping? And I liked the lowercase italics, but if you do it once, do it all the time.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I thought it was a good beginning. I want to know what's gonna happen next!
Wow. I really loved this. I'm very interested in finding out who that boy is, with the green eyes. This sounds very promising, I would definetly keep reading.
ReplyDeleteLiked the premise.
ReplyDeleteWould tighten it.
Last paragraph is too wordy.
Something's missing for me--it's not vivid enough for me I think.
I have to say, I would definitely read more of this! You could probably tighten it, just a bit to really increase the pacing and tension on this first page, but not by much. Nicely done.
ReplyDelete