Not really getting this one. The scare quotes, plus a hurricane doesn't really hiss and roar when it's kilometers away (when a hurricane is far away, it just looks like banded storm clouds). Unless you mean the eye of the hurricane, in which case, it's hissing and roaring on top of your head right now. Makes me question the situation too much.
Not hooked. MC "observes" and the rest is description of a hurricane which doesn't match with any mental image I have of a hurricane (or how a character observing one would act).
I'm not hooked—yet. I like the second sentence best so far. I wonder if you could start there and find a clever way to insert your character into the next sentence.
I'm nearly hooked. I think this might work better if you flipped the sentences around and reworked them. Put the hurricane first, with the roaring, and then give the observer second.
Not hooked. The second sentence is strong. The first, not so much. If the "thing" isn't the hurricane itself, but something within the storm, describe it. If it is the hurricane, then I think you can get rid of your first sentence and start with the second.
Not hooked. Thing in quotes didn't bother me. It's easy enough to take the quotes out. But if it the biggest hurricane in human history, a titan in modern times, I want to see it. Don't tell me. Show me.
Not hooked. Confused about why thing is in quotes. Is it not really a thing? Missing an 'a' in front of few kilometers. I do like the second line, but it doesn't match the roaring and hissing of the first sentence, so I'm not grounded. Does he have a name?
Why is "thing" in scare quotes? Now I'm not convinced it actually is a hurricane, but an angry kitten. It's roaring and hissing.
ReplyDelete"thing" in quotes, hissing that you can hear kilometers away? Sorry, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot really getting this one. The scare quotes, plus a hurricane doesn't really hiss and roar when it's kilometers away (when a hurricane is far away, it just looks like banded storm clouds). Unless you mean the eye of the hurricane, in which case, it's hissing and roaring on top of your head right now. Makes me question the situation too much.
ReplyDeleteI get the quotes mean the hurricane is unnatural or abnormal, but that he's merely observing it takes away from the urgency and drama.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
A bit too abstract, ambiguous, IMO.
ReplyDeleteI agree, don't quotation thing. It just doesn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. MC "observes" and the rest is description of a hurricane which doesn't match with any mental image I have of a hurricane (or how a character observing one would act).
ReplyDeleteI can sort of see where you're trying to go with this, but I am just not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked—yet. I like the second sentence best so far. I wonder if you could start there and find a clever way to insert your character into the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'm nearly hooked. I think this might work better if you flipped the sentences around and reworked them. Put the hurricane first, with the roaring, and then give the observer second.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. The second sentence is strong. The first, not so much. If the "thing" isn't the hurricane itself, but something within the storm, describe it. If it is the hurricane, then I think you can get rid of your first sentence and start with the second.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteHaving "thing" in quotes immediately took me out of the story. ㋡
Eh, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNope, sorry. "Thing"? In a first sentence?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Thing in quotes didn't bother me. It's easy enough to take the quotes out. But if it the biggest hurricane in human history, a titan in modern times, I want to see it. Don't tell me. Show me.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Confused about why thing is in quotes. Is it not really a thing? Missing an 'a' in front of few kilometers. I do like the second line, but it doesn't match the roaring and hissing of the first sentence, so I'm not grounded. Does he have a name?
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't really hook me, sorry.
ReplyDelete