Definitely would keep reading. I want to know what didn't go as planned but still had the right result. I want to know who's speaking and already there's a good sense of voice as well.
Hooked. Nice tension, implied action. I'd get rid of the semi-colon. I'm also feeling a little conflicted about the word "quite." I *think* you can get away with it, since it's historical. Normally I'd suggest cutting.
I like this! Like everything. The flawless flow of the words kept me reading. I loved the voice. Hope it hooks an agent and gets published-soon, so I can read more.
Hooked. The assassination didn't go as planned? But the target is dead? Of course I want to know more. The voice is great, too. That's a tricky thing to do--give a sense of voice in 25 words or less.
Don't change a thing! I loved this just as it is and want to read more. The punctuation is fine and the second sentence shows a terrific voice. Resist the urge to be boring. Don't change it.
Definitely would keep reading. I want to know what didn't go as planned but still had the right result. I want to know who's speaking and already there's a good sense of voice as well.
ReplyDeleteHooked. The diction is intriguing, and the speaker's voice draws me to him.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Wondering how an assassination can not go as planned and still end up with a dead mark. Intriguing.
ReplyDeleteGood hook. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHooked. What the heck went wrong? I want to know!
ReplyDeleteOK. You got me. So what went wrong?
ReplyDeletehooked, though the quite so at the end of the sentence seemed too repetitive.
ReplyDeletehooked despite the last bit.
ReplyDeleteI'd give it a few more paras.
ReplyDeleteDifferent, I like it. I'm hooked
ReplyDeleteI had to re-read the last sentence, but I'd read a bit more to see how things had gone wrong.
ReplyDeletei also had to re-read the sentence. but i'm intrigued. i'd read on. the 'quite so' makes me think the speaker is british for some reason.
ReplyDeleteGood opening. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Nice tension, implied action. I'd get rid of the semi-colon. I'm also feeling a little conflicted about the word "quite." I *think* you can get away with it, since it's historical. Normally I'd suggest cutting.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely has the flavour of THE MAGICIANS AND MRS QUENT by Galen Beckett, which I really enjoyed. I'm definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteHOOKED!! OH YEAH!! ㋡ Nice work!
ReplyDeleteI like it!
ReplyDeleteI like this! Like everything. The flawless flow of the words kept me reading. I loved the voice. Hope it hooks an agent and gets published-soon, so I can read more.
ReplyDeleteDo you need a crit partner?
Partial hook.
ReplyDeletedefinitely hooked!
ReplyDeleteNice hook!
ReplyDeleteHooked! Love the voice, reminds me of Gail Carriger a little bit. Nicely done :)
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice of it, and how it plays with expectations.
The voice and the questions the second sentence leaves me with definitely hooked me. :)
ReplyDeleteHooked, as long as we find out very soon what went wrong. I think you could cut the "of course", but that's a personal thing. Love the title as well.
ReplyDeleteI loved this. PLEASE keep the quite so. It's a fabulous button. There's nothing wrong with the ; either :)
ReplyDeleteHooked. The assassination didn't go as planned? But the target is dead? Of course I want to know more. The voice is great, too. That's a tricky thing to do--give a sense of voice in 25 words or less.
ReplyDeleteI like it! Hooked. (Not crazy about the title, though.) I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'd give it a little more just to see what went wrong, but since historical isn't my thing, I'm not sure how much more.
ReplyDeleteNot to plan, but still dead, eh.
ReplyDeleteI didn't like the punctuation of the second sentence. I would suggest a full stop after dead.
Don't change a thing! I loved this just as it is and want to read more. The punctuation is fine and the second sentence shows a terrific voice. Resist the urge to be boring. Don't change it.
ReplyDelete