The Garden of Eden intrigues me but the rest does not. I think it's too wordy for a hook, but that's just me. Not sure how I feel about the first lines being about waiting and dying.
Seth Ivanov clung to life on the riverbank of the Garden of Eden.
(okay, clung to life is way too cliche but you get the idea)
Sorry, not hooked. But I think it's the way it's written, not the idea. Too many names n' places all piled up together, until I couldn't create a picture in my mind. ㋡
I want to know why he's waiting to die. But, I'm wondering how much forward motion this opening will have if he's waiting and not doing. So I'm quasi-hooked.
Perhaps you're trying to get it to the 25 words min but I see this as really rushed.
I think it would work with more build up--don't be afraid to put us there and then hit us with he wants to die (and I don't mean a bunch of flowery description either.)
Last clause here is, of course, provocative. Great sense of place as well. I'd keep reading if only to see how he wouldn't die.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I'd keep going!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the kind of book I'd love to read, so maybe I'm biased, but the setting and the mystery hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI might keep reading. It's intriguing. But I'm still waiting for the real hook.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Is he really Russian?
ReplyDeletehooked. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI remember this from...was it an SA contest? Anyhow, this on its own wouldn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteI have no reason to care where he is when he wants to die. Not hooked
ReplyDeletei don't like mysteries in general but i really enjoyed this first sentence. i'd read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked line and sinker.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading
ReplyDeleteGood one! Hooked. I like the sense of place and good immediate tension.
ReplyDeleteWaiting to die in the Garden of Eden? Cool! Hooked!
ReplyDeleteThe Garden of Eden intrigues me but the rest does not. I think it's too wordy for a hook, but that's just me. Not sure how I feel about the first lines being about waiting and dying.
ReplyDeleteSeth Ivanov clung to life on the riverbank of the Garden of Eden.
(okay, clung to life is way too cliche but you get the idea)
Definitely would keep going!
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteBut I think it's the way it's written, not the idea. Too many names n' places all piled up together, until I couldn't create a picture in my mind. ㋡
hooked, love the setting. :0)
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked--setting and waiting to die. How could someone not like that?
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I'd read the next sentence.
ReplyDeleteMark in the Seattle area
Intriguing! Waiting to die where life began. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on because of the idea of being in the Garden of Eden waiting to die. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI want to know why he's waiting to die. But, I'm wondering how much forward motion this opening will have if he's waiting and not doing. So I'm quasi-hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot totally hooked, but I'd give this a little more.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing to me is that he wants to die. Put that first and the location after.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you're trying to get it to the 25 words min but I see this as really rushed.
ReplyDeleteI think it would work with more build up--don't be afraid to put us there and then hit us with he wants to die (and I don't mean a bunch of flowery description either.)