TITLE: Adventure Society
GENRE: Action/Adventure/Treasure Hunting/Diesel Punk
Moonlight illuminated a lone figure’s path through the halls of the darkened mansion. The young woman stalked a prey that she knew lay beyond.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nothing wrong with this, but prob not provocative enough for a first line. The best opening lines I've seen give reader a sense of character and plot even if the specifics aren't spelled out...
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked by this. It may be a genre thing. I'm thinking it's going to be yet another paranormal story, which I'm oversaturated with right now.
ReplyDeleteHmm. I'd read a little more to see if it kept me, but there's not enough here to make me go WOW so far.
ReplyDeletetoo general and too much like so many others...not hooked
ReplyDeletei think the word for this is "overwritten". Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe narrative seems a bit distant. Almost a mood piece. I'd read some more to see if it picked up.
ReplyDeleteLot of description--start with the second sentence and drop the mystery in the first about the 'figure' just to clean it up. I am kinda hooked, though.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to find out what diesel punk is. But for my preference, and this is just me, I'd identify the woman first, as in, "moonlight illuminated the young woman's path." and then "the lone figure stalked a prey."
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Not much going on. Diesel punk? That's new to me.
ReplyDeleteNicely written. But too wordy to hook me. I had to stop n' slow WAY DOWN to really see it. ㋡
ReplyDeleteThere's some action here, but it feels distant, a little less imminent. I'd suggest tweaking to help us feel a stronger connection to the young woman.
ReplyDeleteShe's too distant for me. Giving her a name instead of 'the young woman' would already help, IMO.
ReplyDeleteFeels a bit generic. The first sentence is overwritten.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's a bit too wordy. But I would read on to see what's going on.
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was, "purple." Is the lone figure the woman stalking, or someone else?
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked by the genres, but not by the opening lines. They're too neutral and descriptive to draw me in. I'm also confused whether the "lone figure" and the "young woman" are the same, and what exactly the prey is beyond.
ReplyDeleteI'd be more hooked if you brought me into the mind of the woman from the start. What's she seeing and feeling? Why is she out of bed stalking something?
too broad. try narrowing down the characters problem and introduce it through immediate circumstances...then, you'll have me.
ReplyDeleteI did not connect with the protagonist. I am not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe POV didn't hook me. It felt too distant.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked per se, but I'd give it a little more.
ReplyDeleteThe first line felt overwritten and the voice passive.
ReplyDeleteStart with the action.