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Thursday, April 22, 2010

50 Words #17

TITLE: Azrael's Curse
GENRE: Science Fantasy

"You've been here everyday for a week, mate," the shopkeep said.

"Good stew." Sam kept his face carefully shadowed. He had thought he could say it with a straight face.

"You waiting for someone?"

Sam said nothing, just slurped his stew.
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11 comments:

  1. fictionwriterApril 22, 2010 at 9:25 AM

    Think this would be more effective if you started with:

    "You waiting for someone?"

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  2. ClaireApril 22, 2010 at 9:50 AM

    I'd give it a few more paragraphs to see if it picks up. Sam appears to have a sense of humor or at least a sense of irony and I like that.

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  3. M.T. MurphyApril 22, 2010 at 10:20 AM

    I agree with fictionwriter. The last two sentences would be a great start and the first four could be worked in later.

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  4. Bethany ElizabethApril 22, 2010 at 11:44 AM

    Yuppers, I'd like it better if it started with the third line also. 'the shopkeep said' just seems to ruin the flow, and there's this little voice in the back of my head going, "Why couldn't it be shopkeepER?" Not that you should listen to the voice in the back of my head, necessarily. :D

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  5. fairchildApril 22, 2010 at 11:53 AM

    Not much happening. The genre suggsets there's potential, but based on these 50 words, I wouldn't read on.

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  6. Jean Viola RyanApril 22, 2010 at 1:48 PM

    not hooked. Seems to be a lot of words not telling me anything important.

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  7. Jill WheelerApril 22, 2010 at 2:00 PM

    I think it is "every day" and not "everyday". I'm not sure why he's trying to keep a straight face. Is the stew that gross?

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  8. Writing CatsApril 22, 2010 at 4:00 PM

    Not hooked, though with the title and genre, I should be.

    I agree with the others about scraping the first three sentences. And why would he have trouble saying "Good stew" with a straight face? Slurping his stew threw me also. That is something you'd have to do on purpose, since stew is not very, um , slurpable.

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  9. Sarah LaurensonApril 22, 2010 at 5:22 PM

    I'm confused, so not hooked. Why would Sam hide his face if he thought he could say it with a straight face? Seems like there's a missing word or a logic issue. Or maybe it's an issue with when he thought what.

    And not sure how he can shadow his face as I have no description to hang that hat on.

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  10. JaneApril 22, 2010 at 6:31 PM

    I like these exchanges in the order you have them. You show Sam lying, then you hint at the reason for it. Intriguing.

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  11. jjdebenedictisApril 22, 2010 at 7:26 PM

    You've set up a nice tension between what the shopkeeper wants (an explanation) and what Sam wants (secrecy.) I'm hooked.

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