TITLE: Undecided
GENRE: YA
His music is too loud. Not exactly a problem, except that it’s louder than mine. I jack up my iPod, but my tiny portable speakers can’t drown out the noise.
Especially since they aren’t just competing with music, but laughter, splashing, screams. Fun. That’s what’s on the other side of the fence.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Definitely hooked. Great beginning.
ReplyDeleteIt's present tense, but I like it anyway. Like that the fence is separating the MC from fun.
ReplyDeleteReally great beginning. I'm hooked. I want to find out what's fun, and why the mc doesn't have any.
ReplyDeleteI like it. Not exactly my type of thing, but it's good nonetheless. :) I like the voice a lot, and I'm curious about the situation.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I want to know more about what's happening on the other side of the fence and why the MC isn't included.
ReplyDeleteI like it, but the second paragraph feels a bit awkward. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteLike this. Seems like she's missing out on something, and I want to know what.
ReplyDeleteI'm sort of hooked. I may be a little too old to read it as intended and, for me, it seems to use "except" and "but" too often. The sense of the MC missing out on what's going on is clear and does leave a desire to know more. The M
ReplyDeleteC's frustration also comes thourgh. I would work on clearer sentences without loosing the freshness of the voice.
Too wordy for me. Not sure you need to describe iPod speakers for the YA set.
ReplyDeleteIf Undecided is the real title, I think that would be cool.
I'd read a little more to see what this is about. I don't even know the MC's gender yet.
Hooked. You've set up both external and internal tension. The reader knows this story is going somewhere. Nice!
ReplyDeleteHooked - it's so hard to hear fun sounds when you can't go participate. I'd read on.
ReplyDelete