TITLE: MICHELANGELO LIVES FOREVER
GENRE: MG Novel
Avery Smith Gibbons knew two things were true at 12:00 noon on Sunday, June 14th.
1.) She wanted to make her mark on the world.
2.) Her grandma was dying.
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The attic was Avery’s favorite place. The large room ran the length of the house,
Miss Snark's First Victim
A very different beginning. It's unusual. I'd read more
ReplyDeleteLike the voice. Would read on to see where it's going.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. This beginning is a bit jumbled to me. Is there any connection between 1 and 2? If my grandma were dying, I'd be upset, not thinking about making my mark on the world. And I'm not sure I like the abrupt transition between the opening and then a sentence about Avery's favourite place being the attic.
ReplyDeleteI like that you have gone your own direction with the beginning, but it is a big gamble if you don't instantly connect with the reader. If you show exactly how Avery wants to make her mark and why that ranks higher on her list than grandma's impending death in those three lines, then I'd be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like that she is determined to make her mark, but not sure I am pumped up to read more about her grandma. Also wondering what the two statements have to do with each other...Then you slow down by describing the attic. No action.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't really hooked, but I don't dislike it. I like the two points, but 'She wanted to make her mark on the world' is kind of a mellow statement, and her name invokes an image of a more dynamic person. So maybe rephrase it to be more active or definite? Unless she is more mellow, like it's something she might like to try one day.
ReplyDeleteI do like the different beginning, but agree that I don't see the connection between 1 and 2. The grandma dying is pretty heavy. To me that would overshadow the general statement above.
ReplyDeleteBut I'd keep reading
Hooked. I love the opening, and to me, it doesn't matter that there isn't a seeming connection between the two listed items. The connection is that they are the two things Avery knows to be true at that point. For me, that's enough.
ReplyDeleteNot sure I see what the 2 beginning lines have to do with the second part, but I'd definitely read on to see where it goes . . . so I'd say, yes, I'm hooked. :)
ReplyDeleteI like the voice. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI would almost skip the first part and start with the attic. I'm not sure why the date is important, and I don't really yet care about what she knows to be true. I wanna hear more about why the attic is her favorite place.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Narrowing down a particular day slows the reader. Numbers will do that. I would play on the drama of her grandmother and leave out the exact day and time.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Huntress. I also would not numerate the two things, it makes it seem like a shopping list and takes away from the stark contrast they make.
ReplyDeleteNice voice. I'm not fond of these types of beginnings. Love the title.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked though.
Hooked-ish. I like that the date and time are so specific. It gives the feeling of that moment being forever frozen in her mind. I also like how the two points of her list seem unrelated. It makes me wonder why those are the two things she knows to be true.
ReplyDeleteGoing from that intro straight to the attic thing kind of unhooks me, though. After the clarity and power of Avery's thoughts in the opening, finding out the the attic was her favorite place seems like a let down - like letting the air out of a balloon, if that makes sense. Maybe just put her in the attic and show us that it's her favorite place rather than telling us that up front.
Mmmm... I liked the set up, but then you completely break the mood by switching scenes. Feels like a bait-and-switch. I might read on, but my temptation to stop reading would be operating on a hair-trigger for the next paragraph or so.
ReplyDeleteI have to say I agree with the others. Don't most young kids want to make their mark on the world in some way? So that doesn't really tell me enough about her. And then, her grandmother is dying...but you're going to tell us about the attic instead. It leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I would read on a bit more, though, to see if you pull the three ideas together. If you didn't pretty quickly, though, I'd be done.
ReplyDelete