TITLE: LOST CARGO
GENRE: Science Fiction/Fantasy
Jane Fogg swore under her breath as a shadow passed overhead. She adjusted her Nikon and trained the camera on the red-shouldered hawk across the creek.
“Stay there, you little bastard," she whispered. “Just stay put.”
The sharp crack of branches breaking came out of the woods across the water.
Miss Snark's First Victim
If you started with the "Stay there" sentence, I would be hooked.
ReplyDeleteI agree with M.T. Lead with the dialogue. Love the reference to the Nikon.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI am so feelings this. I've been there done that. I'm definitely hooked. I can't wait to find out what the cracking branches is about.
ReplyDeleteAgree with M.T. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. Perhaps drop shadow line as it doesn't seem really connect to the rest (what shadow? the bird's?)
ReplyDeleteDitto M. T. Murphy's advice. The camera-wrangling isn't interesting until we know what the stakes are, so shuffle your first two sentences to somewhere after Jane's emotional plea. Then we know why we should care.
ReplyDeleteYes, I was wondering why the shadow made Jane upset, but then there wasn't mention of it again or what it could be. I tried to connect it with the red-shouldered hawk across the creek- perhaps that's what caused the shadow before it landed again? Because I was trying to figure that out, I guess I stumbled a bit there. Either leave that part out or make the connection, but otherwise I would continue reading to see what's in the woods.
ReplyDeleteConcur with the switch of the first and second para. With changes, I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. There are subtle hints of tension here because of word choice. I like that. But when I read what's actually happening (i.e. she's taking a picture of a bird), I wonder why I should care.
ReplyDeleteIf whatever is breaking the branches fulfills the tension I suspect, I'd read on.
I don't mind the order. I don't like that last line. Reads awkward for me. It's hard to be hooked when the last line throws you out.
ReplyDeleteI'd read a little more since the beginning interested me.
Instantly liked Jane Fogg--anyone who'd curse at a hawk has to be fun. If this is in Jane's POV referring to her by first and last name doesn't work.
ReplyDeleteI'd start with the dialoue. It brought me into the story more than your current beginning.
ReplyDelete