TITLE: Red Dirt Girl
GENRE: YA
You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. You can't squeeze a drop of anything; not juice, not pulp, not even a slimy residue. Trust me, I tried. I know, it was a pretty immature thing to do, but I bought a bloated, redish turnip the size of a small apple and squeezed the bejeezus out of it. When it wouldn't give an ounce of juice, I shoved the hard vegetable under my foot and tried to stomp on it but it just rolled around under my flip-flop, collecting gravel.
I rubbed it against the pavement. Even more pissed off, I let go and the color returned to my fingers. I tossed it into the weeds. I had no use for it. I couldn't get it to sweat despite the unseasonable ninety degree heat. With a meager sense of satisfaction, I noted it didn't get me to sweat either...or sweat more then I already had. Due to the bizarre early spring heat wave and the fact that Decatur High School doesn't have air conditioning, (that's the South for you) I'd already soaked my shirt through before second period. So, maybe I did sweat a little bit in my fight to prove this idiom wrong, but it didn't make a difference. If I hadn't picked up the other end of the phone the night before, the night before everything changed, if I'd just continued reading my English Lit assignment, I wouldn't have heard them.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The writing is smooth and the first lines are entertaining. But I have to admit this doesn't feel like the beginning of a story to me. The turnip encounter just doesn't feel significant enough.
ReplyDeleteYou had me at "Trust me, I tried." How can you not hook a reader with someone actually trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip? I loved it! And it tells us a lot about the main character.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely, positively would keep reading - eagerly.
I liked the turnip beginning but felt the writing lost focus with the sweat. I needed a little more idea of the story after the turnip... but a great beginning.
ReplyDeleteI like the writing, I'm just not sure where the story's going. I'm not sure what led to this turnip squeezing, or why I should care about it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the voice in the second paragraph strikes me as a little more adult than in the first.
The last sentence seems key to the plot, but I had to read it twice to make sense of it. Still not exactly sure what it means for them mc.
Fun voice. Good flow.
ReplyDeleteCannot imagine stomping a turnip in flip flops. Makes my feet hurt.
"idiom" seems out of place given the rest of the language. {that's the South for you} seems more of an As you know, Bob statement, but not an egregious one.
The tone changes completely with the last sentence.
Thanks for sharing your work in such a public forum. That takes guts.
ReplyDeleteMy comments are just a quick impression, as if I were browsing in a bookstore.
Like: The way she tries to squeeze something--anything!--from a turnip. SHOWS me what she's like: determined; literal-minded.
But... Turnip-squeezing does go on a bit too long. I want to get to the mystery of what the phone call is sooner.
Would read on a bit more to see what the "heard them" is about.
I think the cliche of squeezing blood out of turnip turned me off. Suggest you start with Due to the bizarre early spring heat wave...
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree with YA writer. In my opinion, you should just start with "Due to the bizarre..." unless the turnip incident is really central to the plot line.
ReplyDeleteBut I think the voice is intriguing.
Thanks for sharing!
I found the first paragraph interesting and amusing. Turnip abuse isn't something I witness every day.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph lost me. Way too many "I"--which is a challenge with first person narratives. I rubbed, I let, I tossed, I had, I couldn't . . . and so forth. Rewrite and rephrase some of these to make the story flow better.
The transition from blood to sweat was confusing to me as well.
That being said, I do really like the voice and I want to know what the phone call was about that led to the poor turnip dying in vain.
Good job!
I wasn't hooked--it did not seem believable to me that someone would try to literally squeeze something from a turnip. I could see keeping the "trust me, I tried" for the tone, but that level of detail threw me into disbelief.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if this is the right beginning for your story, amusing as it is. But...BUT you only had 250 words, and that is difficult for anyone to make assumptions about where the heck it could be going. SO, I would keep reading, due to the voice alone. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI liked the start with the turnip but agree it went on too long. I started skimming and missed the bit about the phone call, which sounds like it's the important part of your beginning.
ReplyDeleteIt also felt like there was a tense shift. At the start you're talking about trying to get blood out of the turnip and it sounds like something you've done in the past. But then that's where the story starts and it didn't quite gel for me.
I would keep reading based only on voice. You certainly have talent, that's for sure. I'm a little concerned that the story isn't starting in the right place, though. (Also, and I'm just being nitpicky...I live in the South and I'm quite sure all the schools have air conditioning. I mean, school starts in early August, for Pete's sake, there HAS to be AC)
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph, but the large 2nd paragraph did nothing to pull me into the story. Instead of being told about the phone call, why not start the story there? If that is the inciting event.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the beginning paragraph, good imagery and a lot of emotion. But it seemed to continue on for too long for me until we reached the "opening" problem, with the protagonist picking up the phone.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I liked the voice and the turnip squeezing. The writing flowed well. But, I did think the turnip part went on a bit long.
ReplyDeleteWe finally got to its end and what I assume is the cause of all this turnip testing-the phone call she overheard last night-and unforunately in that critical part, the smooth flow was broken. I think the sentence is just too long. I wanted it to grab me but it didn't.
Not hooked. Too much turnip, and no motivation.
ReplyDeleteBesides, Turnips are purple-and-white, not reedish (that's a beet).
Ha! I had to google to find out that half the world does say "Blood from a turnip" instead of "Blood from a stone"! Never ever heard "blood from a turnip" used before now and that is amazing since I spent a year living in a shed in a turnip paddock when I was a child. Apparently the Italians use the "blood from a turnip" quote in Italian too. Silly me.
ReplyDeleteLast sentence is golden here. More of that please!
I'm with MacDibble, thought it was "blood from a stone" haha. But I found the turnip thing amusing and the voice good. Not quite sure where the story is going, but I'd definitely read on :)
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Great writing, nice humor, but the turnip bit went on too long, then there was all that sweat. The last line seemed to be important, but I couldn't connect it in any way to all that turnip squeezing. There was nothing to pull me in.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I have always heard the idiom as "you can't get blood from a stone". So, while I knew in a academic kind of way what she was doing or attempting to do, the whole thing seemed absurd.
ReplyDeleteStill, I like the voice. I'd just probably start with the NEXT scene.
Maybe you have to be a southerner to know "you can't squeeze blood out of a turnip." I grew up hearing it. Heck, I grew up having to take raw turnips in my school lunch instead of carrots. So apparently I'm turnip-biased.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments - good imagery and voice, but goes on a bit long. I also wondered not only about whether it's a regional thing, but also whether the target audience (young adults) would know what that was.
ReplyDelete