TITLE: BROKEN
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Caleb and Sarah are at a fundraiser, pretending to be dating. They've been talking about his music.
"I'm pleased that you're impressed. You are impressed?"
"How could I not be? It's more than that, Caleb; I'm captivated. You have to tell me what your inspiration was?"
"Hmmm, some other time. Looks like your redheaded friend is coming back." He pushed off the fence and started for his car.
I'd had about enough from the little wanton excuse for a girl. In a spur of heated impulse, I grabbed a fistful of Caleb's shirt and jerked him toward me. I squeezed my eyes shut, blocking out the glares forming. Blindly, I curled my hand around his neck and pulled his face downward. My lips fit naturally to the contours of his mouth. And then the world melted away. I floated while the only thing that anchored me to earth was the liquid fire that spread from my lips and slid over my face and down to my toes. Shocked at first, the curve of surprise on his lips disappeared before he answered in his own way.
Up-stager.
His hand slipped to my lower back and pressed my body against his. He parted his lips with a sigh and assaulted mine with a biting tease. When I opened my eyes and the sparkling stars fades, he pulled his head back and his wicked smile broadened.
"Now who's playing games?" He whispered the throaty question as his lips brushed against my cheek.
Miss Snark's First Victim
THIS WAS AWESOME!!!! This is the first one I've read that the girl took control. AND I LOVED IT! Not only that, but this does a might-good job of illustrating their personalities. I have no comments. This rocks.
ReplyDeleteLike Chantal, I like the girl taking control too.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to be dropped into a scene, so some questions come up because we don't know all that took place before.
Careful about using people's names in dialogue. In real conversation we do it sparingly. for "... your inspiration was?" I don't think you need a question mark. Instead of "fades" I think you meant "faded".
Who's glaring? That got me curious. Loved words like "fistful" "up-stager"
I like the last line "Now who's playing games?" but might change the rest to, "he whispered in a throaty voice as his lips brushed against my cheek."
I really liked that she took control, also. The like about inspiration felt a little forced to me, but it might not if I read the rest of the dialog from Sarah. It just seemed a little stilted or formal for teens. But overall I really liked it.
ReplyDeleteI have another favorite!
ReplyDeleteI was confused about the wanton excuse for a girl part...but I'm assuming I'd get that if I wasn't starting here.
Also, the liquid fire seems cliche, to me...and the "shocked at first" seems to jump briefly into his POV...but I LOVED the rest of that line, and the "Up-stager."
Hahaha!!!
And that "some other time" about his inspiration made me think maybe he wants the pretending to be real, and I like that, too.
I was into this one. Great job. I agree with not using first names in the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteLove it! Lots of fun an lots of action! The girl has gumption.
ReplyDeleteI like the characters and the way they act and react. Her sudden spontaneous action really grabbed me, too. (And I loved his reaction.)
ReplyDeleteThe actual description of the kiss and its effect, however, was too metaphoric to be as interesting as what was really, physically going on. (World melting away, floating, anchoring - these are effects. Give me the sensations that cause this, and I'll feel it for her.)
absolutely perfect. Nothing I'd change
ReplyDelete