TITLE: spirit called
GENRE: urban fantasy
Leah is with a daemon, Ruen, who has never experienced human emotions. They are laying in the sunlight.
His smile disappeared when my hand inadvertently slipped under his
shirt, my palm on the bare skin of his hard chest. He froze.
As a creature mesmerized in the stare of a predator, I hardly dared to
breath. His sudden groan caught me by surprise, the deep rumbling vibrated
my fingertips and the hand on my cheek slipped to the back of my head. He
pulled me to him.
There was nothing gentle about this kiss, his mouth on mine. His hand held
my face to his, the other hand trapped between us.
In that time, there was nothing of the conflict or of the rapier. There was
nothing of the sun or the earth. For me, there was nothing but the taste of
his mouth, the scent of his skin. And the deep sounds he made in the back of
his throat.
He shuddered and pulled his mouth away. We stared at each other with me on
his heaving chest. He shook his head as if to clear it and blew out harshly.
"Better?" I asked. "The kiss, that is?"
His mouth snapped shut and he swallowed. Hoarsely, he said, "Oh, yes,
definitely the best I've ever had."
I pushed away. He let his hand fall from my head, and lightly brushed my
cheek as I moved away but tightened his other hand around mine.
"Uh, let go," I said.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This works pretty well, methinks. There's a run-on sentence in the first paragraph ("His sudden groan..."), but that's an easy fix.
ReplyDeleteA few phrases in the fourth paragraph struck me as (a little) clunky: "pulled his mouth away" and "blew out harshly." Not sure what you could do to fix them, and you might decide you like them as they are, but just thought I'd point them out.
Good luck with this.
I liked the otherworldly feel I got here. And I'm wondering where the tension at the end is leading.
ReplyDeleteI like that her hand "inadvertently" slipped under his shirt. Oops! Hate it when that happens. :-)
ReplyDeleteThird paragraph--nice descriptions that I'm sure make sense in context with the rest of the story. What does his mouth taste like? What is the scent of his skin? Those little details would make this pop.
Good job
The language felt just a tiniest touch over done, but that may be because it was all by itself - no build up.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise I did feel that sense of passion and newness.
I don't tend to like high metaphorical sweeps ("In that time there was nothing of the conflict or the rapier, etc.") but this is short and gets to physical sensation pretty quickly. I think it would work if the references to conflict, rapier, sun and earth meant something to me specific to the story.
It's a weird scene. I'm not sure if she likes being kissed or not. There are no emotions to make me understand. On the other hand, it is intriguing because he reacts so differently from other males.
ReplyDeleteI wondered how her hand can get under his shirt "inadvertently". What is she doing?
Then, there's a spelling mistake. I think it needs to be "breathe" not "breath".
I think you mean they are "lying" in the sun. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked his comment at the end, seeing as he's never kissed anyone before. And I liked the dialogue while they were kissing but even then I didn't get a sense of how the girl felt about the kiss. And if it was so encompassing as you said, I'm surprised she was able to deliver a line like "better?" It makes it sound like the kiss was no big deal to her.
I really like this Ruen guy. It sounds like an interesting story!
This scene works for me, but could use a little dressing. There is nothing to describe how she feels about it. It sounds like her kiss was an experiment, but not knowing what came before, maybe it is as it should be. Good tension at the end.
ReplyDeleteThe "Better?" referring to comparing kisses feels odd. Standing alone, after a passionate kiss, I'd think it meant "Are you feeling better?".
ReplyDeleteI agree with others that it's hard to put your hand under a shirt "inadvertently". Maybe that's her sarcastic voice though.
No problems with the kiss itself. You could tell it was new on his part, at least a new experience with emotion.