TITLE: DARE YOU TO MOVE
GENRE: YA
He moved his mouth closer until his lips touched mine. It felt like they were on fire. Every inch of my body was scorching and there were goose bumps, lots of them. His hands slid gently to the back of my neck, pulling me closer. I'm not sure who opened their mouth first (I think it was me) but his tongue slipped past my teeth just barely like he was asking my permission-- which I gave.
In just a matter of seconds, there were zero inches of space between us. It was the most amazing feeling. I had no idea how much I wanted this. And how much I wanted it to be Justin. After awhile we broke apart, but only enough so our lips weren't touching. His hands still rested on my face.
He smiled a little then touched his lips to the side of my neck. My eyes closed again, inhaling his scent of ivory soap and cinnamon gum. I knew it well, but it was different tonight.
"72 seconds." Sarah's voice rung through my ears.
My eyes barely glanced sideways and I saw the stunned-to-silence expressions of a room full of people who could potentially make my life miserable. My heart started pounding. I looked back at Justin, completely freaked.
It was too late. I couldn't undo it.
"Excuse me," I said, then I took off running for the steps.
"Ellie wait!" Justin called after me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked this. It was very well put together and I was there with Ellie the whole time. Nice.
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought it was too cliched - lips on fire etc, but I liked it when we found it it was in public. Woo hoo Justin.
ReplyDeleteI think this flowed very well. My favorite part is the "72 seconds" thing. Funny. I also liked the public humiliation, and her running off (Cinderella-ish...I like that). I love the ivory soap and cinnamon.
ReplyDeleteI would consider changing the "fire" and "scorching" things - I think it would be stronger if you used more precise language there.
Thanks everyone for the great comments!
ReplyDeleteI almost gave up with the lips on fire, but I'm glad I stuck in there. :)
ReplyDeleteA couple of things:
ReplyDelete-The goosebumps seem out of place. This is generally a feeling associated with cold, not heat.
-You say he pulls her closer after their lips are touching. How much closer can they get?
-The description of there being no space between them comes after his tongue is in her teeth. I'd remove this since it's pretty obvious.
-I'm not sure how he can kiss the side of her neck while his hands are on her face. Seems awkward.
I like the fire imagery but I would cut one of them - either the lips on fire or every inch of her body scorching, IMO. Unless you draw the two together - his lips feel like they're on fire and he kisses her until the fire has spread over her, something like that. I love that it's in public, and I love the 72 seconds comment - hilarious. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteI agree with @Holly Bodger's points and especially the goosebumps which almost made me stop reading. Also, a lot of was/were. The ending of this really intrigued me, however. A few tweaks and you're there.
ReplyDeleteThe kiss part of the scene wasn't bad, though it didn't really drag me in either.
ReplyDeleteThat said...the whole set up...the snippet like it is, the way you gave it, really makes me want to know what's going on!
So the kiss didn't pull me in, but the story sure did!
I guess I don't really get the mechanics of the scene. They're sharing this fantastic, albeit somewhat cliche, kiss, and then this group of people pops up out of nowhere? Or did she know they were there all along? If that's the case, then shouldn't she have realized what she was doing? *scratches head*
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not a huge fan of that title. The band Switchfoot has a popular single by the same name.
I liked this a lot except for this sentence: "I'm not sure who opened their mouth first (I think it was me) but his tongue slipped past my teeth just barely like he was asking my permission-- which I gave." I had to read it twice to understand it.
ReplyDelete