TITLE: Chaos Happens
GENRE: YA Paranormal
David and Bren had a near-kiss an hour before. Now they're standing in a field surrounded by Chaos power (in the form of fog) and it's making them feel giddy.
David pulled me close, his hand firm on mine. "Ignore her. Just pretend we're alone."
I couldn't see his face, but I could still feel the warmth of his smile. He wanted to be alone with me. Sane thought exited my brain and made way for girly bravado. "Which we could be in this thick fog. Maybe we should stick together."
His soft chuckle vibrated through me.
"Like this?" He whispered as he wrapped an arm around me.
In a totally weak move, I shivered. "Yeah, something like this."
"Mmm--" the deep rumble of his chest tickled me. "What about something like this?"
His lips were on mine before I could gasp--which really meant that I ended-up gasping into his lips. Such complete fail, but David didn't seem to notice.
His lips moved in a smooth, consistent rhythm. I couldn't figure it out and kind of wigged, fumbling like the world's largest kiss-idiot. David made-up for my obscene stupidity, though. He didn't stop until I figured out how to kiss back. And when I did, symphonies played in my head. David's arm tightened around me and I leaned into him, though his lips moved away from mine, drifting across my jaw line and up to my ear.
Miss Snark's First Victim
At first I was a bit confused, just some sentence structure things that had me re-reading some, but the last paragraph was really sweet and I enjoyed how he kind of taught her to kiss.
ReplyDeleteVery similar to the above - it's a tough place I think to pick up in. Couple of things seemed repetitive - his soft chuckle vibrating through her, the rumble of his chest tickling her. But I loved the last paragraph, it captures the awkwardness of that so well.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. Isn't this how most kisses happen? You're together, getting closer, and bam, it happens. You're caught off guard a bit (gasping in his mouth -- loved it), and then you hear music.
ReplyDeleteOne thing...because this is a younger woman, who uses some cool slang (largest kiss-idiot), would she really say "symphonies?" Unless she's into that kind of music, I'd find another word to describe what played in her head.
But overall, nice scene.
i must admit, I've never heard music during or after a kiss; i've seen colors with my eyes closed though.
ReplyDeletelast paragraph is mostly telling. maybe show us?
show her gasping into his lips instead of telling us.
like the sound of his words tickling her...more of that kind of thing would spice this up.
instead of his lips were on mine, maybe his lips felt soft and warm on mine or something to show what she felt
His lips moved...makes it sound as if they're separated from his body and what is a smooth, consistent rhythm? did he move his lips back and forth against hers? suck her lips like a guppy (the way they kiss in the movies these days) or do something else?
I think some of the lingo may take away from the story. (Such complete fail) if you don't get the reference, it may stall the reader. Love the way they work through the awkwardness. Very sweet.
ReplyDeleteLove the begining, love the dialogue. Hate the word "obscene", since it has such a crude sexual connotation.
ReplyDeleteI think the writing needs to smooth out a little more, but I really like the scene, the voice, the story, and all the potential!
ReplyDeleteI was a bit confused by who the other "she" was, but being dropped mid-scene, that will happen. I did love the "largest kiss-idiot" There was a few sentence structures that through out of the reading -"Sane thought exited my brain and made way for girly bravado." A little wordy IMHO. I think you could just say sanity. But very cute.
ReplyDelete