TITLE: Touching the Surface
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
(Stuck in the after life)
Seeing the eagles lessened my earlier anxiousness and Trevor's instantaneous awe of them filled me with delight. I turned to look at him, feeling hopeful again. That's when I saw his newest T-shirt. Now can we complicate things?
I bit my lip to keep from laughing out loud. "Scraping the bottom of the barrel for slogans?"
"Come here." He wasn't asking.
I wanted to comply. I wanted to run. The look on his face, soft and hard at the same time, seemed to incapacitate me so I didn't move a muscle.
He strode forward as if he knew I couldn't move. He was mere inches from me now and I couldn't break away from looking into his eyes. The shadows of the eagles danced over us.
"It isn't fair." His voice was a groan, deep and gravelly.
He reached behind me and wrapped the end of my ponytail around his finger until it swirled back over my shoulder.
"What isn't fair?" It sounded more like a squeak.
"It doesn't matter whether it's in life or the after life, it seems that Oliver is always getting the things that I want the most."
He leaned down and whispered his lips kissing my ear, "Elliot, take down your hair."
He only wanted me because he was jealous of this brother again. I cocked back my arm ready to lambast him with a right hook and we disappeared. What a stupid time for a Delve.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This was good. Powerful. But I want to know how she feels. But it's good. Maybe I wouldn't change a thing...this is a tough one.
ReplyDeleteLiked.
ReplyDeleteYou raised plot questions and the unresolved sexual tension helps move the story forward.
It seems interesting, and like they have to do all kinds of world jumping, which is neat. I liked the language of contradictions, and that he only wants her because his brother is interested. I don't like him very much, with they way he commands her to do things, but I suppose that's the point. A few grammar things - need a comma after ready in the 2nd to last sentence, and after whispered in the 2nd to last para.
ReplyDeleteWell, dang it…this left me hanging. And not just wanting more as in wanting another piece of chocolate, another spoon of ice cream. This time, ‘wanting more’ of this story means (to me), Another breath, Another heartbeat. Gaaaahhhh!
ReplyDeleteThis has some rough spots, awkward phrasing such as the first sentence. These are easily fixed. But, man alive, I love the premise and the heated implications in this one.
Love it – and if you haven’t figured it out – want more!
I liked it. He didn't seem too demanding to me. I mean, he did, but he wasn't mean about it.
ReplyDeleteThough I want to know what his shirt said! Why mention it if you don't tell us? Or wait... does the shirt say, "Now can we complicate things?" I thought it was her thoughts. (Why is her name Elliot?)
So yeah, I liked it...but I'm sort of confused, too.
I like the tension, and I like him! I actually like a guy who is sure of himself to demand things - and it didn't seem mean. I agree some rough patches and grammar fixes. But your unique world has piqued my interst. I would want to know more, too!!
ReplyDeleteThe shirt did say..."Now can we complicate things?" It was in italics, but for some reason that didn't translate. :o)
ReplyDeleteShe's Elliot cause that was the name she was born with *giggle* She just came out that way.
Thanks for all the helpful advice and the compliments. I'm always looking for ways to make the story stronger and fresh eyes always helps.
Hi Kim - is this the book you shared in NYC at our table? I really like the pony tail twisting and him whispering in her ear. I also like how she won't move - she's not a weakling.
ReplyDeleteIts a small world after all LOL! Thanks so much. How are you?
ReplyDeleteI liked this too, but was confused at times, and some of the wording was halting. I was confused though becuase this is a "First Kiss" competition, and not a hook competition, and you only had 250 words to do it justice, which I think you did. Based on the kiss scene and no other questions I might have, I think it was really good.
ReplyDeleteThanks...there is a lot of half kiss in there before they get it right. I tried the later attempts, but they really didn't work out of context in the 250 words and I'm sort of a believer that its the shiver right on the edge that gets to me. :o)
ReplyDelete