TITLE: The Persephone Paradox
GENRE: YA Contemporary Mythology
"I can tell you've been clenching your teeth," my dentist says, leaning in so I get an extreme close-up of her pink-masked face. The headlight on Dr. Fallon's forehead gives the impression she's mining for something worthwhile in my mouth. She obviously doesn't know--there's nothing worthwhile about me.
She continues her excavation, wedging my jaw open with latex-clad fingers. "How old are you now, Zoe?"
My response is lost in the suctioning of my spit, but the woman is fluent in phlegm.
"Seventeen? Hmm. I've never seen so much gum recession in someone so young before." Dr. Fallon says this not with the sympathetic or scolding tone I'd expect, but with fascination.
I'm a prodigy in all things disturbing.
At least my hair's not receding, I think, but that gives me no comfort. Grey strands already infiltrate my natural black hair, making me look like a witch. Wrinkles radiate from the corners of my eyes as if some sadistic crow stomped on my face. And now my gums are shriveling, too? Just what will I look like in ten years? I wonder.
Then I realize it doesn't matter. I doubt I'll even still be here.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hmm...I'm not hooked, but this is not bad.
ReplyDeleteI think this would be better if it wasn't so overwritten. Sometimes simple sentences - especially when we're being introduced to the MC - have a greater impact with the reader.
Good luck with the SA!
This feels little over written to me too. I think if you are more assertive with the doctor's responses, we the reader can think that he is a little odd instead of having the narrator state it.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I am interested why this girl is in some Benjamin Button scenerio with her body being old. But not enough to keep reading. The writing stops me.
This intrigues me, and I like the writing. But I think you could tighten it up just a tad. My dentist, for example, would simply tsk and say, "you've been clinching your teeth. (I'm not sure of the spelling of that word, actually).
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'm a little unsure of is her description of her hair. Why would having a bit of grey in it make her look like a witch? I think there'd have to be more than just the hair going on for that comment to be appropriate in that particular spot.
I'd keep reading. Good luck!
This is well written and you get an immediate sense of Zoe's voice and how she feels.
ReplyDeleteGreat job and yes, I would read more!
I liked many things here: the story question - why is she aging? The way you snuck her age in naturally. "the woman is fluent in phlegm" - that's a great line.
ReplyDelete"there's nothing worthwhile about me." I immediately thought this was going to be a story about a self-absorbed, whiny teenager. Oh, poor me. When I read on I could see why she's that way. But she seems so resigned and defeated by her fate.
I'd definitely read on to see where this is going. I liked the voice and it's an original premise. Good luck!
SheilaJG
I like the voice here. "Fluent in phlegm" is great. I already get the feeling that Zoe doesn't think much of herself. In fact, the witch comment emphasizes that - it shows the reader how "lowly" she thinks of herself. And I think that's also an image that comes to a teenager's mind when thinking of streaking grey hair, so it fits, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on because I'm curious to know what's causing this pre-mature aging.
I love the line, "I'm a prodigy in all things disturbing." I am intrigued by Zoe and want to learn more about her. Why is she aging too soon? The last line is powerful and I like that it stands alone.
ReplyDeleteYou've got some great lines in here, as stated in the above comments. The problem I have is it seems a little too brooding and depressing. Personally, I wouldn't keep reading. However, I think that there is definitely an audience out there that would continue!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I enjoyed this. The voice here is great. I loved the lines, "she is fluent in phelgm." "I'm a prodigy in all things disturbing." I don't think it is over-written. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I like the voice and the last line will make me keep reading. Good job!
ReplyDeleteGreat writing and nice word choices too! Excavate, infiltrate, radiate, sadistic crow. It certainly isn't run of the mill writing.
ReplyDeleteAnd yet . . . I think it's that Zoe never speaks in dialogue. We get her thoughts through narration, and that's kind of what they sound like - narration. I know there's not really room to speak with a dentist probing her mouth, but even a grunt or mispronounced word would add to this, I think.
I'm not hooked, but I wouldn't put it down, either. The good writing would pull me along for a few more pages.
Hooked! I don't think this is over-written at all. I really liked the creative descriptions.
ReplyDeleteI AM hooked! The voice is original...both funny and depressing. I want to know what's going on with Zoe. The last line is the clincher for me!
ReplyDeleteI love the character's voice and want to learn what's put her in this place. I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteThe character definitely sounds interesting, but I'm wondering why we start off in a dentist's chair. The line, "I'm a prodigy in all things disturbing" is great and I'd almost rather start there. I'm much more connected from that point on than I was with the opening.
ReplyDeleteCould be smoothed out in places, but I love the voice.
ReplyDeleteI'm kinda grossed out by dentists, but I think it's a great opening. You open the story in a unique way (seriously, how many books begin with a dentist digging into the main character's mouth?), show some humor and also intrigue me by saying she doesn't even know if she'll be there in 10 years. I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I love something that makes me laugh...and you got me with fluent in phlegm. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteJust the line "the woman is fluent in phlegm" makes me love this! And I get a sense that this book will be full of fun little phrases like this!
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot - nice writing. I disagree with the overwritten feedback - I think that my dentist would say the part about tooth clenching exactly like that. And I was drawn in by the last line along with the implication from the tooth clenching that she's under a lot of stress.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the anti-adjective peeps. I believe this would read more smoothly if it were streamlined a bit more.
ReplyDeleteThe third paragraph was my favorite (& the reason I'd keep reading a bit more because I like the author's voice). I liked the 'graph about her aging issues, too. Given my phobia of all things dentist-y, this is definitely something I'd have given a chance when I was in the target audience.
While I'm not completely hooked I am interested enough to read on. Nothing makes me more sympathetic towards a character than a dentist scene Ugh:) Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteInterested--yes. I thought it sounds like she's getting old prematurely, not necessarily witch, but I thought it worked.
ReplyDeleteI liked this too, and found the last line intriguing. I'd keep reading, but I'm wondering how important the dentist is. We hear a lot from him but he's very generic.
ReplyDeleteI'm sort of on the fence as I found myself skimming this sample a bit so not everything caught my attention but certain lines did such as:
ReplyDeleteMy response is lost in the suctioning of my spit, but the woman is fluent in phlegm.
I'm a prodigy in all things disturbing.
I found these lines hilarious so I wanted to keep reading and the last line was very intriguing to me. So overall, I would want to keep reading just a bit more to see what else would happen :)
I'm very intrigued (hate dentist appointments o.O) and would read on. Nice voice!
ReplyDelete