TITLE: GREYSKIN
GENRE: YA Paranormal
There's a dead girl in the trunk and all I can think about is how white the trees are. There ain't no street lamps on this stretch of road, but still the trees glow like they're lit from the ground up.
"Not much farther," Jack says. I want to tell him he's driving too fast, to slow down so I can get a better look at the trees, but I know we've got to hurry. This dead girl won't stay dead for long.
"Hey," says Jack, grabbing my knee and squeezing it. I like the way his hand feels there, but I can't tell him so. Jack's five years older than me. Mama says it ain't right, me running around with him all hours. But I like Jack, and I like the way his hand feels on my knee. "You okay, Charlie?"
I smile because he calls me Charlie, and not Charlene. Charlene never did fit me, but only Jack gets that.
"Yeah. I'm alright," I tell him. My fingers itch to reach out and grab his, but I can't. Ain't right, Mama says. And I don't know how Jack would react. That's the worst part.
"You done good tonight. Couldn't a done it without you." It's dark in the car but his smile is lit up by the dash lights. Jack takes his hand and puts it back on the wheel, the ghost of his touch left lingering on my skin.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hooked!
ReplyDeleteVery well written. I like that the accent isn't overdone on the two characters.
Good luck with SA!
Well, this is a bit on the creepy side. The comment about the dead girl not staying dead hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice in this a lot. And the girl's longing for something she realizes she has to wait for, according to Mama.
The only thing that stood out at me was the last sentence. The "left lingering on my skin" doesn't sound right. Depending on your meaning, it should either be "his touch leaves lingering on my skin" or else "his touch lingering on my skin". But that's my opinion, and it may not bother others.
Good luck.
I really like the voice of this. I'm not a big fan of accent or slang, but it didn't bother me. I'm definitely hooked and would keep reading!
ReplyDeleteInstantly hooked. The last sentence didn't bother me at all.
ReplyDeleteSince I've read the rest I can testify that this opening is brilliant. I had to find out what happened and really, this isn't even the best of the rest. :)
The accents are one thing I think were handled very well. It gave a tone and demographic placement that lots of novels overlook. It was refreshing.
Great opening line and then twist with the "girl won't stay dead for long" ! I'm totally hooked.
ReplyDeleteSO hooked! Love this! I agree with everyone else, I love the voice and the way that you gave us a sense that they have accents without actually writing them that way. It's all in the words they say.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely want to know about the dead girl and why she won't stay dead, and Jack.
Great job!
This one is the strongest of the lot for me. Clear, crisp, vivid writing, and an opening that hooks you in. I want to read more!
ReplyDeleteI remember reading this opening from another contest and wanting to read more. I like the voice a lot (even if I immediately heard Sookie Stackhouse's voice in my head, lol).
ReplyDeleteGood job!
Really like this. The voice stands out as being different from a lot of YA (and I read a LOT of YA), and the opening line alone makes me wish I could download the rest of the story to my Kindle right now!
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot, too. "This dead girl won't stay dead for long," is awesome. Honestly, I stumbled over the ain'ts and would rather you use those in dialogue only, but that's just me. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI am hooked, just like the rest :)
ReplyDeleteThe accent doesn't bother me and it usually does! I'm impressed!
I want to read more of this!! haha
Definitely hooked! I love creepy. :)
ReplyDeleteLove it! Love the voice and the immediate conflicts (the dead girl and Charlie's affection for Jack). Good work!
ReplyDeleteHooked! Great job.
ReplyDeleteAlso hooked! Great voice, great writing, great mood and tone. I can feel the creepiness, I can feel her need and yearning for Jack. I was instantly there in that car with them and I hate that there isn't more to read!
ReplyDeleteLoved the opening line! I have to say I thought the MC was a guy until I read the name though.
ReplyDeleteLoved the opening line and the voice throughout. Interested to see where this will lead.
ReplyDeleteAh man, I loved this! Fantastic voice. Great opening.
ReplyDeleteMust...read...more...
Hooked!
Mostly hooked. This is one of my favorites--love the voice. I did think a couple of the accent lines were a little over the top, and it was a little jarring, moving from the first sentence to the second. That said, if you stay consistent throughout the rest of the piece, I think it could grow on me. Well done, and good luck!
ReplyDeleteWow! I was hooked from the get-go, especially with the line "This dead girl won't stay dead for long." That line is such a hook, that I would actually like to see it moved up to the first paragraph. I would definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteAt this point, it's practically fangirling, but I had to say I was hooked too. :) Congrats on having such a great entry, and I just loved the voice. Good luck with the SA!
ReplyDeleteI like the TRUE BLOOD feel to the voice. Would definitely keep reading. Dead girl in the trunk who won't stay dead? Um, hello page two...
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! The last line was cool too with the ghost of his touch. Creepy!
ReplyDeleteVery nice. Illuminates a lot, and you have a very strong voice from the very first sentence.
ReplyDeleteI love this, and the first line is fabulous. Nice work. :)
ReplyDeleteI think the comments in here says it all. Your two lines about the dead girl are what carries this whole page cause as I keep reading, I keep wondering, "So who's the dead girl? AND WHY WON"T SHE STAY DEAD?"
ReplyDeleteI have a terror about zombies so you definitely got my attention lol
Very cool! I was done reading this before I even realized it. I think Zombies are the "next big thing" right now, too . . . I would keep reading through this. The first line is great! Loved it (of course, I'm partial to zombies anyway) :)
ReplyDeleteHooked! This is awesome and I definitely want to read more. Excellent voice!
ReplyDeleteDefinately hooked and would keep reading. I love the first sentence. I would consider taking out the accents, though. 250 words of ain't and accent is tolerable, but I'm not sure about 300 pages.
ReplyDelete