TITLE: The Tooth Fairy's Assistant
GENRE: Middle Grade
"How much further Dad?"
"Twenty five miles. Please Owen, stop pestering me. I need to concentrate on my driving."
Dad always has to concentrate extra hard on everything. Owen, be quiet, I'm thinking. Owen, settle down, I'm trying to focus. Owen, Owen, Owen. He does look a little more white-knuckled than normal though. Probably all the accidents on the road.
It's raining pretty hard, about as hard as it ever does in Washington. Usually it just mists here, like you're all wrapped up in a cloud, but today it's pouring. That must be the reason for all the problems they keep reporting on the radio. It's really weird though, because it seems like we're just barely ahead of the trouble every time.
….Watch for a jackknifed semi northbound on Route 3 at Finn Hill Road …if you can even get there folks, that twelve car pileup still blocks all traffic west of Silverdale…
We were turning onto a floating bridge now. From up here I saw that down in the middle of the water the bridge split in two.
"Hey Dad, why would they build the bridge like that?"
"Huh?"
My dad was so focused on the road ten feet in front of him that he hadn't noticed what was coming. He looked up and gasped. "Oh no you don't! I see exactly what you're up to and I won't have it! Do you hear me? I will not have it!"
"What?"
"Not you Owen! Hang on!"
Miss Snark's First Victim
LOL! I want to read more. HOoked!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with SA!
I love this. It's hooked me for sure. I want to know what's going on. Love the characters and the voice.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
The title made me think this was too young for this age, but I really liked the piece. I definitely was hooked and wanted to read more. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteLiked it. We all know Dads like that.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it was just me but I didn't quite get the line, 'From up here I saw that down in the middle of the water the bridge split in two.' Are they on that bridge?
Also, when the dad looks up and gasps he has quite a long line of dialogue. If they're in danger perhaps it should be shorter and to the point.
Good work overall and best of luck!
Hooked! I want to know why all the accidents are happening as they pass through.
ReplyDeleteIntrigued!
ReplyDeleteNeed to add some missing commas, though.
I also thought the paragraph about the floating bridge didn't make much sense. I don't understand about the bridge being split in two.
ReplyDeleteThe title seems too young for MG.
There is some trouble with your tense. The passage starts out in present and then shifts to past. Keeping things consistent is important. You may want to check the rest of the manuscript to make sure this isn't a recurring problem.
I'm wondering about the title. It does sound young for MG. The writing is good, a few missing commas, but good overall.
ReplyDeleteAuthor here! Thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate it!!!
ReplyDeleteLately I've been feeling kind of "meh" about the title myself. I had a few that I was considering, so my crit partner had her 7th grade English classes vote and that was the top vote-getter. A close second was Holliday Academy: Date with Destiny. Is that any more appealing do you think? Thanks again everyone, this has been very fun! So many of the entries were just fabulous!!!
Great start! You might want to show some of the accidents they're passing on the road, rather than telling us about them, but otherwise, good stuff!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked, but I agree that this needs a better title. I like your second title better, but even that sounds a little girlish. What's special about your MC that qualifies him as a tooth fairy assistant? Can you work that special quality into the title?
ReplyDeleteThe start was slowish. I think when you want to hook a younger mind you just need to engage them faster. It's what kids are used to, ie., instant gratification, more action. So why not rearrange this piece and start at the immediacy of the imminent accident and a rather borish father doing what he does best - being a terrible driver who has his kid sitting on edge because of his driving.
ReplyDeleteVoice is good and your writing is okay too.
You make the statementment about the accidents on the road and to that extent I agree with Barbara. If you make reference to accidents you should be more distinct about declaring this road to be scary...
good luck.
ZP
The title caught my attention.
ReplyDeleteThis starts in present tense and switches to third. I want to know more about the accidents and what's happening.
Hooked.
The title didn't really do the writing justice, especially since this is from a boy's POV.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise I'd keep reading.