TITLE: Curse of the Granville Fortune
GENRE: Middle Grade Fantasy
I'd heard of signs of the apocalypse, but I didn't know that one of them was a crazy guy wandering out of a forest and into my favorite hangout. OK, it wasn't exactly the end of the world, but it was the end of the life I'd known for the past twelve years.
It started like any other day off from school. Dad left for work, for who knows how long, on some big court case. Mom was clipping coupons to save every penny possible. And my sister, Holly, and I had gone to the park to try out the new bike ramps. I was about to climb the biggest ramp when the vision hit me. Some people might think having visions was cool, but for me it was a curse.
I clutched the handlebars, trying to steady the bike. But my hands and arms tingled with a warmth that made me sweat like a freak. Not now! I couldn't have a vision here. Holly would think I was having a fit or something.
"J.B., what's wrong?" Holly asked, as my bike swerved.
I've never told anyone about the visions. I didn't want to be labeled a head case and forced to see some shrink. But I could feel Holly's eyes on me as my body shook. I didn't have a choice. I purposely missed the bike ramp and crashed into a bush, hoping the accident would cover up the strange things that were about to happen to me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteLike I said in the previous post, I'm not an MG reader, but I thought this was good. I'd completely read more!
Good luck with SA!
Hooked. I think your first sentence is a real corker. I like the voice and you manage to let a reader know your protagonist's age in a subtle and quick way. I also like your title. It sounds a little John Bellairs-esque, which I say as a wonderful compliment. It sounds like a title I would have gravitated toward in the school library.
ReplyDeleteVery hooked! I love the voice in this piece.
ReplyDeleteGreat action, great voice, nice intrigue. This is my favorite of the first 26. Great job. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Would definitely read more!
ReplyDeleteHooked. But, I would like to see the second paragraph tightened up a bit with more active verbs.
ReplyDeleteI like it. Good job on getting the MCs age in there so seamlessly.
ReplyDeleteYou don't tell us in this excerpt, but I'm assuming the MC is a boy. If not, it's going to be a shocker.
Nice opening paragraph. It caught my interest right away, but then you went into the past to set me up for the moment when the crazy guy walks out of the forest, which didn't interest me at all.
ReplyDeleteWhy not just start with the crazy guy coming out of the forest? It would be a much more interesting scene and get us right into the story. Or, don't mention him at all, start with the second paragraph, and let us be surprised when he shows up.
As is, you've given away all the surprises. I'm not going to go, "Ooh, cool!" when he has a vision, because you already told me he has them. I'm not going to go "Whoa! I didn't see that coming!" when the crazy guy walks out of the forest because, well, you told me it was coming.
My suggestion would be to cut all the explanation (because that's what it is - explaining to the reader, not story - you're main character already nows all these things about himself that he's telling me)) and just let the story happen. Your readers will still get it, and it will be a stronger story.
I feel cheated that you mention the apocalypse, but it's not that kind of a story. Suggest rewording the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteAlso some weak verbs and telling. Maybe tighten that up.
There is too much telling in this excerpt. I wasn't hooked until the last sentence. I'm hoping that you're going to show us those strange things, not tell us about them. I think this could be really cool, but it needs more show less tell. I would read a little further, hoping to be really drawn in with action.
ReplyDeleteI like this, I think you did a good job. There are a couple spots I would nip or tuck, but overall, great voice.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph completely threw me off kilter. I'd keep reading to see how it panned out but as is right now, it sounds like a flashback which disconnects me from the action.
ReplyDeleteGood MG voice.
I think you could cut most of the first two paragraphs, personally. I think that the guy is going to wander out of the forest right after where you cut off, so maybe keep the first line if that's true. The writing in the last 3 paragraphs is much tighter.
ReplyDeleteMaybe instead of the sign of the apocalypse being the crazy guy, it could be the MC's visions? Unless he's important later on, but I, too, was little lost with the first paragraph. Would have to keep reading, tho, to find out what happens :)
ReplyDelete