I disagree with Holly about the third sentence, though. "And she was to deliver it," makes it sound as if she has been ordered to kill him. Adding 'going' in front of 'to kill' would sound like she wanted to do for some reason of her own.
I am hooked. The only thing I'd change is the first word "She" to the name of the character. There's no need to be discreet about it. As is it almost makes it sound like you're trying to be discreet or coy, but it comes off as cheesy. Just supplying the name of the character would be perfect, I think. Good job!
A great way to get us hooked, but the three short sentences in succession didn't quite feel right to me. Maybe combine the first two and leave the third sentence short for emphasis? I'd definitely read on though.
I really like this opening. I would prefer to see the word "going" before "to deliver it" but other than that, I wouldn't change a thing!!!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'd like to see is a name instead of "She" right off the bat. Though I'm assuming that this is your main character.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, perfectly hooked!
Completely hooked.
ReplyDeleteThere's something about the first sentence -- it doesn't feel like an opening sentence. But still an an intriguing opening. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteVery good hook. I would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Holly about the third sentence, though. "And she was to deliver it," makes it sound as if she has been ordered to kill him. Adding 'going' in front of 'to kill' would sound like she wanted to do for some reason of her own.
Good conflict. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGreat, hooking opening. The second and third sentences could be combined, but that depends on the overall voice of the piece.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening to fit the genre and tone of the story. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI am hooked. The only thing I'd change is the first word "She" to the name of the character. There's no need to be discreet about it. As is it almost makes it sound like you're trying to be discreet or coy, but it comes off as cheesy. Just supplying the name of the character would be perfect, I think. Good job!
ReplyDeleteLove it!
ReplyDeleteA great way to get us hooked, but the three short sentences in succession didn't quite feel right to me. Maybe combine the first two and leave the third sentence short for emphasis? I'd definitely read on though.
ReplyDeleteI like this! It sparks immediate conflict and interest.
ReplyDeleteWhen can I read more?
I agree that using a name instead of She would make for a sharper and more compelling opening.
Well done.
ReplyDeletenice!
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