TITLE: FUNdraiser
GENRE: women's fiction
It was never supposed to get this out of hand, Sophie Whitman thought.
She peeked at the forty-something vice detective assigned to interrogate her.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like your opening and it immediately begs an answer to: what? what's going on? what's out of hand?
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I didn't like was the choice of the word "peek." Is she hiding under a blanket? Is the vice playing hide and seek?
I also like this, but I'd put the character's name in the second sentence. "Shphie Whitman thought" feels a littel clunky.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
I might even start with her action: "Sophie Whitman xxx at the forty-something vice detective assigned to interrogate her."
ReplyDeleteSomething, though, about the wording in that sentence is a bit clunky. At first I thought it was 40 plus detectives, then I thought the 40-something guy was a vice, as in deputy, detective. I know I'm slow, but there might be a way to word it so the reader knows exactly what you're talking about from the get go. Remember, readers are going to skim the first paragraph and if it doesn't absolutely grab their attention, they will put it down. You don't want to give them any reason to hesitate.
I like this. "Snuck a glance" or something like that instead of peek, maybe? Peek seems to imply that the peeker is hiding behind/under something. And if she has someone assigned to iterrogate her, I don't think we'll find she's hiding under something? Unless she's wrapped up in a blanket to keep warm or something like that (which could be the case, so then peek is fine!).
ReplyDeleteI want to know what Sophie did or saw that she needs interrogation! :)
I like your beginning, but suggest a few changes:
ReplyDeleteIf we're in Sophie's point of view, I would drop the "Sophie Whitman thought."
"Peeked" seems kind of cute, like she's a little shy or ditzy and peeking around a plant on a desk. Do you want her to seem cute?
I would rewrite to say:
It was never supposed to get this out of hand. Sophie Whitman peeked at the forty-something vice detective assigned to interrogate her.
I concur with Grant H. reworded it is much stronger and more compelling...glanced comes across much stronger than peeked.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued and would definitely read on.
I liked it. The first sentence is kind of bland and ordinary, and then the second sentence gives it a kick. You might rewrite, though, as H. Grant suggested. It makes it even stronger.
ReplyDeleteI agree with H. Grant as well! The only thing is that I do like the spacing you have in your original submission. So I'd just make one minor change to H. Grant's sugestion:
ReplyDeleteIt was never supposed to get this out of hand.
Sophie Whitman peeked at the forty-something vice detective assigned to interrogate her.
Good luck!
I like HG's suggestions - peeked does seem a bit coy, perhaps use something like stared or glanced.
ReplyDeleteH Grant took the words right out of my fingers!
ReplyDeleteI think you could switch the place of these two sentences and have a much stronger opening.
ReplyDeleteSophie Whitman peeked (peered/glanced/etc) at the forty-something vice detective assigned to interrogate her.
It was never supposed to get this out of hand.
I'm intrigued!
nice!
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