TITLE: LOST CARGO
GENRE: Science Fiction/Fantasy
"Stay there, you little bastard," Jane Fogg whispered. She adjusted
her Nikon and trained the lens on the red-shouldered hawk across the
creek.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good imagery and voice here! Wasn't sure of Jane's tone right off the bat but you clarified that quickly enough to keep me grounded.
ReplyDeleteHa! What an enjoyable start.
ReplyDeleteThis is a nice beginning. I like the specificity - the kind of camera, the kind of hawk.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. I was confused about the tone, too, but once I got to the camera, I got it. I think it's the word 'bastard' that made me assume she was angry. Cutting it would eliminate the problem, but on the other hand, using it helps with the MC's characterization.
ReplyDeleteNot sure about 'bastard'. Do we find out later on why the hawk merits such a label? It feels too much for me - the hawk is across the creek, she's just taking photos of it. Has it lead her a merry chase for 3 days in the rain for her to get a picture of it? I dunno - I guess I'd read more to find out! But it also turns me off. And I swear a lot.
ReplyDeleteNo problem with the bastard--I might have said the same thing myself. I like this and usually I don't care for starting with dialogue. If she is a professional photographer she might be even more specific--her Nikon S60 camara. I'm guessing the setting is earth in the recent past or now a days--because of the bird, language and camara.
ReplyDeleteI like this opening - it says who she is and a lot about her personality, all in one sentence. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI think the best part about this opening is the "bastard" part haha. Definitely shows a great voice for the character. Other than that, I was honestly not too pulled in (hawk-searching/photographing is boring to me), but I might keep reading because of the bastard part, and since this is sci-fi/fantasy, I would be hoping for something fantastical to happen soon. But it better happen soon!!! Lol, so my overall verdict: got me a bit, but not totally hooked. Hope that helps lol!
ReplyDeleteI like it. I wonder if perhaps you don't need to mention "across the creek" right here? Minor detail, though - this works.
ReplyDeleteBecause of the dialogue, I'd already imagined her almost shouting it, so the "whispered" made me stumble. Also, I thought by the word choices that she was hunting the bird at first.
ReplyDeleteI know the bastard remark is to give a flavor of her character, but honestly, it turned me off because it didn't seem to fit. Hunting, maybe. Not photography.
I like the fact it sounds like she's hunting and then isn't. And honestly, if I'd been trying to photographs birds all day and they kept flying off, I'd probably swear at one too. I'm hooked enough to read the rest of the first page (assuming I could). Also did you have an earlier version of this where it sounded even more like she was hunting it? I'm sure I've read this somewhere before...
ReplyDeleteBron (different Bron to the one above)
nice!
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