TITLE: The Practice of Wearing Skin
GENRE: YA paranormal romance
Sofia is about to "die" and be turned into a grim reaper by current reaper Theo. Humans don't remember when they come in contact with reapers.
"I love you Sofia," Theo whispers and I feel his cool breath on my neck.
I open my eyes again as Theo's hands slide down to my shoulders. He pushes me backward and I nearly stumble. The force of it pushes all of my breath from me, even more than that time Eden threw that bag of cement mix at me and I got smashed between the bag and the side of her garage. I don't see Theo anymore; I see the back of my head. Everything begins to split into red and blue lines, like those 3D movies, until they separate entirely and I'm no longer standing behind myself.
It's a lot like coming out of a thick fog when you're driving in the barest light of the morning, or emerging from the clouds in an airplane and seeing the curvature of the earth. It's like that one time that I flew with my mom to LA when I was nine and it was dark and I propped my blanket around my head and looked up at all the stars for hours, seeing and acknowledging every single one of them in turn until I drifted off to sleep.
If anyone is watching, they would see me disappear like the steam rising from your body after a hot shower on a cold winter morning but instead of the water evaporating, my body does.
But then, they won't remember anyway.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Interesting. And I want more.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely have a hook going here, whether it is the first page or in the middle of your MS, this is excellent.
The only changes I would make (subjective opine only) is in the second paragraph with the description of the bag of cement. In this case, I would change this image to something simpler.
Example: “…like the time a heavy cement bag crushed me against the garage wall…”
Something like that…overall, though, I thought this submission was excellent. I am hooked.
Good Job!
I think there are too many like the time... examples. I would pick a few. Also I agree if you keep the cement bag one, pare it down.
ReplyDeleteI agree, too many similes, but overall really great descriptions.
ReplyDeleteThis is very hooky, but I think you could really cut this down and still get the same effect. The entire bit about the trip to LA feels like it's slowing down the scene for me and isn't necessary, though I do like the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteIt also took me a re-read to figure out he'd actually pushed her soul out of her body. I didn't quite get it the first time through - I'm wondering if the cement example was too distracting. But it's a very cool concept and I'd definitley read more
I agree about all the similes. I thought they totally destroyed the mood you originally created. I was really into this and then the MC goes off into an unrelated story.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest keeping "I love you Sofia," Theo whispers and I feel his cool breath on my neck.
I open my eyes again as Theo's hands slide down to my shoulders. He pushes me backward and I nearly stumble. The force of it pushes all of my breath from me,
I don't see Theo anymore; I see the back of my head. Everything begins to split into red and blue lines,
and cut everything else, then move on to whatever you have coming up next. Think of it as someone telling you a great story, and just when they get to the exciting part, they say, - and that reminds me of the time I visited my grandmother. You don't want to hear about Grandma. You want to get back to the story. Stick to the story. It's a good one!
I liked this idea. It was interesting to read. I agree with the similes, they threw me when I was trying to stay in the scene.
ReplyDeleteGreat tone and mood in this scene.
The others have said everything I was going to say, so I'll just add that I LOVE your title:)
ReplyDeleteI believe you have way too many asides, and I'm a girl who likes a nice aside. If she's going through a crazy cool paranormal thing, tell me how it feels to her, not how it looks from the outside, not about how it reminds you of that one time in fifth grade or whatever. Maybe use your favorite one of these examples and likes, but all of them distracted me from the cool thing going on.
ReplyDeleteI do love the beginning with Theo :)
nice!
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