TITLE: Out of My Body
GENRE: YA paranormal
Prickling. In my fingers, like ants gnawing my skin from the inside. Not here, please. Not now. But the tingling spreads like fire through my arms, chest, legs.
Maybe, if I really hurry, I can make it.
I scramble to rise from the chair and bump my hip against my desk. I know it's hard because of the loud way the desk screeches on the classroom tiles. But I don't feel pain. I'm already numb, horribly numb. I only feel my head and my unblinking eyes. I've got just a few seconds left to make it to the bathroom.
Ack, everybody's looking. I'm so the center of attention right now--even Mr. Doherty has stopped doodling numbers on the whiteboard to stare at me. "Ms. Reinhart, are you okay?" he asks, holding his blue marker in midair.
I don't answer, just reel forward. Pass Aaron Carter's desk. Stumble over Lindsay Narayan's backpack. Reach the door--kudos to me.
My hand flies to grasp the handle.
Too late.
My fingers pass straight through the handle. Through the closed door. And at the same time, the thud of a limp body crashing against the floor shocks me.
Oh, God.
I'm already out of my body.
Un-kudos to me.
Slowly, I look down. My own self lies on the tiles, eyes rolling back, hands pulled against chest like a begging puppy. "No, no, no!" I yell, but of course no one hears me.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hooked. Great character dilemma, fascinating dilemma, etc. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteOne sentence confused me. "I know it's hard because of the loud way the desk screeches on the classroom tiles." What's hard, your hip or the desk? Don't you mean "solid" here? If the only way she knows she bumped the desk is because of the sound, describe the sound first and then reach the conclusion. Something such as "I scramble to rise from my seat. The desk screeches on the floor. I've caught my hip on the desk--at least that part of my body is still solid."
Also, "I'm so the center of attention right now" is redundant.
Wow. I'm interested. Good voice.
ReplyDelete"Un-kudos to me." --Nice line/voice. The voice/white space move it along and give it life. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI like it! The falling-out-of-your-body thing surprised me, that wasn't what I expected. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I was immediately pulled in.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I might change is taking out the last names of the two she runs into, unless you mean for the character to be named Aaron Carter (brother of a Backstreet Boy.
Totally in love with the line 'Un-kudos to me.'
ReplyDeleteHooked.
I love the "Un-kodus to me" line! Not so much with the "Ack, everybody's looking." It seemed a little too flippant considering the drama that appears to be unfolding.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so "Un-kodus to me" is pretty flippant, too, but I sort of saw that as dry humor. "Ack" is more...flippant flippant. :D
Otherwise, very nice.
Cool opening! I liked it a lot. The whole thing worked pretty well.
ReplyDeleteYou might set "Not here, please. Not now' into it's own paragraph to give it a bit more effect/power. And cut the Ack - center of attention bit. It can be tightened a bit, but overall, I'm hooked.
Lots of great tension in the opening to keep the reader interested and the kudos part is funny. Well done.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a really fun read! I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI got sucked in right away, too. I agree the line spacing helps with that--nice, short, punchy lines. Great voice and a surprising turn of events.
ReplyDeleteI agree the "desk screeches" and the "Ack" lines are a bit awkward, but I like, "I'm so the center of attention..." Not crazy about "my own self."
I'm curious as to whether this girl has a siezure disorder and if she has out-of-body experiences every time. I'd definitely read on. Nice job!
This totally grabbed me.
ReplyDeleteHooked me. Great job.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this one. It's great how you describe her losing her body. I didn't expect that either.
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing. I'd read on.
This is super fun! I definitely want to find out what's going on with her. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteI like this - I want to know what's making her separate from her body. Nicely done :)
ReplyDeleteHooked. Nice voice. I would read more!
ReplyDeleteGreat submit!!!
ReplyDeleteReally good set-up with lots of tension right off the bat. Loved the tone of the MC - but would only say, wasn't too in love with the "Ack" usage...as I think you could find something better that matches the rest of your great story!
Just like everyone else, really loved the "Un-kudos to me." line - really spot on!
Good job - I'd definitely read more, for sure.
Good luck in the contest!
I really like your writing style here. It's very interesting the way you've set things up. Good job! I'd definatly read on!
ReplyDeleteLove the action right from the start and that it comes from the main character. The reader is pulled into the character's dilemma all the way through - I'd want to know what happens to her next and what the story could be about. Well done.
ReplyDelete