TITLE: Jake, Son of Zeus
GENRE: Fantasy
When the idea of giving up his immortality first came to the front of Jake's mind, it seemed to have been waiting there his whole life, just behind M.A.S.H. reruns and the words to The Brady Bunch theme song.
It meant that he could have romantic nights uninterrupted by self-important jinn.
He could go home knowing he would never again find pixies in his daughter's swing set or trickets in his shoes.
He could be mortal, free.
But not yet.
Now, Jake was standing stiffly between two tall rows of bookcases, breathing bubble-gum scented air. He looked down the empty aisle.
He was probably about to die, but he shifted his stack of books to his other arm and walked to the end of the shelves anyway.
He tried to hum a Christmas carol, hoping that the sound would keep him calm. He used to drive Rachel crazy with Christmas carols, and he'd stamped out that habit so long ago that he couldn't bring a single tune to mind.
No one was there.
Jake turned back, knowing what would be waiting with dark eyes and perfect peach skin between the two walls of books. He could feel the thrumming anxiety in his chest that meant the other world was near.
Thirty years of running and hiding from them had taught him that running and hiding worked only half the time. The other half, you were possessed or electrocuted or shoeless until help came.
Miss Snark's First Victim
LOVE. Awesome. I totally want to read this, the end.
ReplyDeleteI like this. Totally would want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I would suggest is changing the sentence "Jake turned back, knowing what would be waiting..." to "Jake turned back, knowing dark eyes and perfect peach skin would be waiting..."
I second coffeelvnmom's suggestion, and I also think you should change the "and" in this sentence here: "...and he'd stamped out that habit..." to "but."
ReplyDeleteOther than that, this seems like a really fun story that I would love to read more of! :)
My word, I love that first line!
ReplyDeleteI did get a bit confused, though, starting with Paragraph 5. Is he in a bookstore, a library, or where? Why is the air bubble-gum scented? How is he "probably about to die" if he hasn't yet given up his immortality? Is Rachel his wife, his sister, or maybe the daughter he spoke of?
It seemed like a delightfully fascinating situation, but I needed more clarity to really get into it.
I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe little bits of backstory, work well to give us a good foundation of Jake's life. But are not distracting.
Hooked. Love the idea that he wants to give up his immortality, but not yet. I want to know what he has to do.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea behind the last paragraph, the first sentence works, not quite sure the last one does. Maybe too many ors? Not sure.
Good job, would read more.
I liked this but the immortality question and the "about to die" is confusing. Love the little glimpses of what his world is,, i.e. pixies and trickets. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI loved the immortality statement combined with the references to modern TV shows. It tells us right away when and where we are.
ReplyDeleteThe 'jinn', 'pixies' and 'trickets' give us a taste of a hidden world within the modern setting. His physical reaction to the 'nearness' of the other world is a nice touch.
I love the first sentence of the final paragraph. The last sentence contains powerful images, but needs to be re-worded in order to make more sense.
Aside from a little fine-tuning it's a very intriguing idea. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest issue would be that I'm not a fan of the title.
I'm intrigued enough to read on. I do wonder about him thinking he's going to die. An impossibility if he's immortal. And if he can't die, why do I need to worry about him? Perhaps he should be worried that he might be captured and tortured for all eternity, rather than dying. Then I might feel for him.
ReplyDeleteBut I do like the idea, and there's enough quirkiness here to keep me reading. So I guess I'm hooked.
I am hooked. Love that first line. The first sentence felt a little long, but overall, that first line about the idea of giving up his immortality hooked me.
ReplyDeleteLove that last paragraph. Nice work. Best of luck to you!
i liked this. good voice and humorous. but i wasn't sure why he felt he'd probably die if he was still immortal, and i see others brought this up, too(though we know with most immortals there is something that can kill them, i suppose... so they're never really immortal are they?).
ReplyDeleteTotally utterly hooked. I love the first line, which gives us such a good idea of Jake in so few words, and I love the tension in the library (I'm guessing he's in a library?). I guess that's one thing that could be improved, we aren't sure where he is, but there's so much suspense in the air that it hardly seemed to matter. I want to read more.
ReplyDelete