TITLE: BACK TO ME
GENRE: Women's Fiction
A woman who has finally begun to disentangle from her longtime on-again-off-again boyfriend discovers he has advanced-stage cancer. Now she's not sure which is more frightening: facing that he isn't The One, or that he is.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm intrigued - especially by the last part. But I think you should introduce the character to us - she's to 'generic' at this point. Why is she pulling away from her boyfriend (give us a name). Is it because she wants to settle down, get married, have that white picket fence dream come true and he doesn't? I think we need to know a bit more about her and why she's pulling away before we can really care.
ReplyDeleteThis is very well done. The only things I'd do differently would be to give us more than just "a woman" (perhaps a name, job or age) and to make the inciting incident more clear. I find "finally begun to disentangle" a little vague. Did she dump him? Move out? Sleep with someone else? The consequences are scary if she dumped him only to realize that he's dying and he's the one. They aren't so scary if she has just sorta started to think about packing a bag.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree with Steena. We need more about this character. Right now it's just premise. Give us the plot elements that make up YOUR story, that make it unique.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued too, but I think the beginning is a little awkward/wordy. I agree with the others too that I'd like to see the woman as less generic.
ReplyDeleteI'd read this. I agree with the others about having a bit more information, but I love that last line.
ReplyDeleteThe last line is awesome. That alone makes me want to read the story. However the first line is too drawn out, plus we know nothing about the MC. Maybe (Description or job) name is thinking about breaking up with her boyfriend when he learns he has advanced-stage cancer.
ReplyDeleteI like this, but agree with the others about starting with the heroine's name, a word or two of identity, and more specificity. The second sentence is golden.
ReplyDeleteGeneric. Also, you're not supposed to include character names in loglines, so the formatting is perfect.
ReplyDeleteBut the story is generic.
Very nice, and I don't think it's generic at all. How often does something like this actually happen? But I do think it wouldn't hurt to do a one- or two-word descriptor to give us some sort of idea who/what she is.
ReplyDeleteThe second sentence is great. The first sentence seems to undercut the conflict/consequences of the second sentence to me. The first sentence made me think she'd already decided to move on (i.e., he's not 'the one'), making her decision more about what role/how involved does she stay in his life.
ReplyDeleteGreat start!
I like the second sentence, and the premise sounds interesting, but I was a little confused, because the first sentence makes it sound like she's already moving on, but the second sentence seems to contradict that. That could just be me, though. :) Also, I think getting something in there about her age or what stage of her life she's in will give a little something more to connect to.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments so far! My weakness is definitely apparent. I was just so caught up in the word count and keeping it super short, I think I left out some important details.
ReplyDeleteI've done a revision:
Still in love but feeling like a doormat, a young woman struggles to move on after breaking up with the commitment-phobe she's been dating since college. When he calls months later to tell her he has advanced-stage cancer, she's not sure which is more frightening: facing that he isn't The One, or that he is.
I like the second one better. The first one had me thinking - same old same old - until I got to the end. Whatever you do, keep that last line!
ReplyDeleteThat last line is in my query too, so I'm excited everyone likes it! :)
ReplyDeleteI like the second version better. It brings it more to life.
ReplyDeleteI like the 2nd one a lot better, but I think you need to transition into the "hook" line a bit smoother. Maybe it's the lack of a reaction from the MC to the pronouncement. I know this is a logline, but it still feels a little jarring to me. Don't go overboard here, but maybe add (literally) a word or two to smooth the transition a bit more.
ReplyDeleteIt's not the genre I read, but I'm interested. Sounds sad :(
ReplyDeleteLog lines are tough because they're really not supposed to be that long. It's easy for us to say "add more detail!", but I think you only need to tell enough to be intrigued.
ReplyDeleteAs such, I personally like your first one better than the second, as the second gets into too much detail for me.
I think the first could be tightened (take out “begun to”, “her longtime”), but otherwise pretty dang good. Women's Fiction generally isn't my cup of tea, but I could see where this would catch eyes.
The last line is brilliant and honestly, you could probably get away with a weaker first line because the last one is so compelling.
ReplyDeleteHowever, that's not the point of this exercise, so here are my comments.
I think you should combine your first and second attempts. I feel the first line in the first attempt is a bit weak, while the second attempt is too wordy, potentially lessening the impact of the last line. I would go with:
"A young woman is struggling to move on from the commitment-phobe she's been dating since college, when she learns he has advanced-stage cancer. Now she's not sure which is more frightening: facing that he isn't The One, or that he is."
Or something like that. I don't think you need the bit about breaking up because if she's trying to move on, she's obviously broken up with him.
Great job.
Thanks again to everyone for their comments! I'm so happy that everyone liked the last line, because it's something I've had in my mind since the first day I wrote this manuscript. It's really the heart of the entire story...which is harder: convincing yourself the man you've loved the past seven years isn't The One, or facing that he is and that he might soon be gone forever? It's loosely based on a very real part of my life, and writing this manuscript was a huge part of how I processed this situation as in unfolded years ago.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, all of that is just to say that I'm absolutely thrilled everyone loves the second sentence, because that's really the crux of the whole manuscript!
Also, Bron, I think you might have nailed the perfect mix between the first and second. I hope you don't mind if I use it! :)
ReplyDeleteSorry for not responding to this before. Only just read it now! I don't mind at all. :-) I'm glad to think I helped. Now if only I could figure out my own logline...
ReplyDelete