TITLE: Blood Dreams
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
In Blood Dreams, a free-spirited vampire and guilt-ridden incubus combine forces to stop the dream-walker that threatens to destroy 80 years of peace between humans and non-humans. But can they preserve the peace and still hide the secrets that threaten to destroy them?
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is okay, but I admit I'm pretty over reading about secrets that destroy. It seems every paranormal romance is about vague, destroying secrets and beings out to save the world. Can you get more specific?
ReplyDeleteYes, we need more specifics. I don't feel connected to the protag(s) at all. Also, I would rephrase the last sentence so you are not asking a rhetorical question.
ReplyDeleteI was in until the "secrets" bit. I know you don't want to give away the ending of a book, but something more specific would be helpful.
ReplyDeleteHow does the secret threaten to destroy them? Is it the keeping of the secret, or the possibility of not keeping the secret?
Avoiding rhetorical questions is probably a good thing in a log line, I think.
I would delete 'In Blood Dreams'. You're using up 3 words for the title of your book. Use those 3 words to give us more info on why we should read this. Maybe names? What is an incubus? How do they combine forces and why is it important? Are they arch-enemies? Little details but they might make this 'good' logline into a 'great' one.
ReplyDeleteQuestions in a query are always tricky. It is better to leave them out.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel the conflict or see a voice. And 'combine forces to stop' is one of those lines used too often.
I agree that you need to get rid of the title and the question at the end. I'd also like to see more of the stakes. Why do they need to keep the peace and keep their secrets hidden? And are their secrets going to destroy them or is the dream-walker going to do it?
ReplyDeleteThe biggest thing I'm looking for here is a protagonist to associate with. A group of people isn't drawing me in the way focus on an individual would.
ReplyDeleteWho is the vampire?
ReplyDeleteHow does the dreamwalker plan to destroy the peace? By doing what?
And if he does break the peace, what will happen?
Perhaps instead of - can they preserve the peace - you say - can they stop him - from doing whatever it is he's doing (specifically)
I don't much care for the old vampire theme, but I did find this interesting. I would want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThere is some repetative words in here you might want to reconsider: "that threatens to destroy," and "peace" are both used twice. You could use the second of each as an opportunity to find stronger, punchier phrases. Other than that, I would want to read this...
ReplyDelete