Pages

▼

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Logline Critique Session One: #16

TITLE: Embrol
GENRE: YA Science Fiction

To stop the renegade alien sent to Earth to control her, eighteen-year-old Olivia Ryan must join forces with the boy responsible for her mother's death.
at

15 comments:

  1. sbjamesOctober 21, 2010 at 1:34 PM

    I like this concept but I think the sentence needs rearranged. Start with Eighteen year old Olivia Ryan...

    ReplyDelete
  2. FunnyGirlOctober 21, 2010 at 1:34 PM

    Nice! Specific, conflict-ey. The only thing I'd love to know is why must Olivia be controlled?

    ReplyDelete
  3. annalisagOctober 21, 2010 at 1:34 PM

    Ooh, I like this, especially the last part about teaming up with the boy responsible for her mother's death. I think it would be even better if you could succinctly fit in why a renegade alien is out to control her.

    ReplyDelete
  4. TamiOctober 21, 2010 at 1:56 PM

    Good and succinct. I think it'd be even better with a little more detail (and I like having the MC first in the loglines - makes it easy to tell who I should be rooting for).

    I'd read more.

    ReplyDelete
  5. HuntressOctober 21, 2010 at 2:22 PM

    I like this but I think it could be better.
    The premise is clear but the voice is lacking, give me something that paints a picture, punches it up.
    That said, I would read more.

    ReplyDelete
  6. MelOctober 21, 2010 at 2:39 PM

    I like this. It's short and to the point. The conflict is clear. I'd definately read more.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Holly BodgerOctober 21, 2010 at 3:20 PM

    You've done a great job at getting almost everything in a short sentence. The only thing that could use more is the consequences. What happens if the alien controls her and why does she want to stop it from happening?

    ReplyDelete
  8. BarbaraOctober 21, 2010 at 6:48 PM

    Good, but why must she be controlled? What do the aliens want from her? I think that's all that's missing.

    ReplyDelete
  9. UnknownOctober 21, 2010 at 7:43 PM

    With just that last part in the logline I would be interested in this story to see how realistic the characters and the storyline are. If done right, this could make for great conflict.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nya RayneOctober 21, 2010 at 8:27 PM

    Hooked! Give me more!!

    ReplyDelete
  11. E. ArroyoOctober 21, 2010 at 10:01 PM

    Seems incomplete. Join forces to do what?

    ReplyDelete
  12. theflightytemptressOctober 22, 2010 at 12:29 AM

    I think it's fabulous as-is. I can make assumptions about what's going to happen, and if they're not precisely true, no big deal.

    I would read this.

    ReplyDelete
  13. SSOctober 22, 2010 at 3:37 AM

    Short and sweet and awesome. Would absolutely read this.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Marne AnnOctober 23, 2010 at 10:51 AM

    This logline is a great start and I love the conflict the heroine has to overcome. You might consider giving a "why" to the first part. Why is the alien wanting to control her? But that is my only suggestion. Good job on this.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Abby AnnisOctober 23, 2010 at 11:43 AM

    Thanks,everyone! Your comments have been very helpful. I've been working on rewriting it, trying to inject some voice and squeeze in the main consequence (and not have it sound totally cliche and overdone), but I'm not sure it's working. This is what I have so far.

    Eighteen-year-old Olivia Ryan is an alien with superpowers—not that anyone bothers to tell her this before a renegade alien shows up with the intent to use Olivia’s dormant power to wrest control of the universe from its creator. To stop the renegade and protect everyone she loves, she must embrace her abilities and join forces with the boy responsible for her mother’s death.

    64 words in this version vs. 25 words in the original

    What do you think? This one has more detail, but does that really make it stronger?

    ReplyDelete