TITLE: Hidden in Shadows
GENRE: urban fantasy with romance elements
As assassin Lorna hunts for her father's murderer, she struggles to master her newfound shadow power. But enacting her revenge would destroy any chance Lorna has of living a happy life when she falls for a target, leaving Lorna torn between murder and love.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think I'd like to see some examples of escalating conflict and some more integration of the tantalizing hint at "shadow power".
ReplyDeleteSort of an "after THIS, THAT, and THE OTHER, she doubts whether her crusade for revenge is actually the right thing to do." Only, not worded as terrible as I did there. Bleh.
Choosing between "murder" and "love" isn't usually a problem (sure, they both have dry cleaning bills) so I'd like to know more about why this choice is actually hard for her.
And, again, more about the shadow power thing! That's the most interesting thing in there, and I have no idea what it means or how it's used or how she got it!
I think there's a lot here that's strong. But, I'm missing the link between Lorna falling for a target, and hunting down her father's killer. It seems like there's a connection here, because you're telling us that this is compromising her revenge plan. So, I'd either link them more clearly in the logline (the revenge, and her falling in love with a mark) or conclude the logline differently, so that we don't need to know that.
ReplyDeleteDon't you exact revenge rather than enact it?
ReplyDeletesee: http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/revenge.html
I wanted to know if she was falling for 'a' target (just some guy she's supposed to kill)or 'her' target (aka her father's killer.)A little change, but I think it makes a big difference.
ReplyDeleteAnd in the end, will she be a happily married assassin, or does she give it up for the guy she loves?
Why would enacting her revenge destroy her chances with the target she fell for? Is there a connection, is teh target related to the mc's father's murder? If so, add that in the logline. As to the wording, I would cut: "any chance she has of living a happy life when she falls for a target" and make it as smiple as this: any chance she has with a target she falls for.
ReplyDelete"struggles to master" is not tangible enough for a goal. If her goal is to get revenge, you need to come right out and say, "Assassin Lorna wants to avenge the murder of her father."
ReplyDeleteAfter that, tell us who is going to stop her from reaching this goal. Falling in love is not a conflict unless the person she loves flat out tells her to give up her goal or lose him instead.
I don't think assassins hunt murderers; don't they like---assassinate?
ReplyDeleteI agree: what is this shadow power? it is the most intriguing idea in the logline. Please expand.
how can an assassin ever have a happy life? Aren't assassins loners who stay away from people so they won't be detected? Falling for a target just doesn't work for me, but see what others say.
Too vague. Master her newfound shadow power? Enact her revenge? Destroy any chance? Torn between murder and love? (Okay, that last one is a bit intriguing - should I love this person or murder them?) I think you can be more precise and make this sound much more appealing.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why carrying out Lorna's plan for revenge would ruin her life here. Is the target she falls in love with her father's murderer? I think making this clearer would make your logline stronger.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how struggling to master her shadow power connects to the love and revenge side of the plot. I suspect that detail would make this logline come together and hook me.
ReplyDeleteIs Lorna an "assassin" proper as in a murderer for hire? If so, she is a particular type of sociopath and I might not have too much sympathy for her as a MC unless she's like Dexter. If she is just after her father's murderers, she is an ordinary revenge killer and is probably not thinking of a happy life when it's all over. She is likely near to committing suicide by cop and is probably very depressed and obsessed. So I am questioning the motivation and characterization for this one.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a cool story. I like that she's an assassin and am intrigued by the shadow power. I thought the goal was to avenge her father's murder, but I'm not sure what was conflict and what was consequeces.
ReplyDeleteAnd I also think it should be exacting revenge.
Very enticing plot. Clear up the "target" issue (as the above comments suggest), maybe tease a bit more on the shadow power, and I think you really only need to use her name once in this... not three times. Other than that - great job1
ReplyDelete