TITLE: Imagine That
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Sixteen is not so sweet for Mallory Strong. Her father's affair and the subsequent unraveling of her parents' marriage have tested her faith in love. When she lets herself fall for her childhood friend, Gus, and he betrays her, she struggles to overcome her anger and find forgiveness – before her heart closes to love forever.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Excellent first line. Good way to introduce her age, name, and initiate potential conflict.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled over '...find forgiveness.."
Who is she forgiving? Herself? Gus?
Other than that picky comment, I liked this. Good job.
I like this too, but I might lose the last bit about her heart closing to love forever. On the one hand, I'm just being picky and thinking she's only in high school - there's lots of healing that can go on later in life. But also I just think it's plenty strong without it.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the first line is very strong and with the suggestion that the last line is good without the "before her heart..." portion.
ReplyDeleteNice job.
I think this is strong, except I'm not seeing the goal here. She needs to overcome her anger and find forgiveness (the obstacles) so she can... get with Gus? Find happiness in being alone? Move to Vegas and become a line dancer? (kidding) Seriously, I like this, but make the implied goal a more stated one. Other than that, great job!
ReplyDeleteThe consequence of her heart closing to love forever is too high-level and generic, and therefore seems overwraught. I'd say trust and love are both at stake, and you don't mention anyone else in the picture other than Gus, so who is it that she's got to overcome her loss of trust/belief in love for? Mention them and that might then play into the consequence portion better.
ReplyDeleteI thought this worked pretty well. I agree about losing that ending (before her heart closes to love forever) but I also think you can't end it at 'and find forgiveness.' You do need something after that. Perhaps tell us what she does to overcome her anger and find forgiveness? I don't know, but it needs something there.
ReplyDeleteSeems too easy for her to go from father's betrayal to falling for another guy; wouldn't she be really well-defended after that? Maybe have Gus pushing for a relationship but she's afraid? That would set up the conflict more clearly.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others who mentioned, whose forgiveness? She didn't do anything. She has to forgive her father for his betrayal, but that might take years. Maybe her mother for allowing it? Maybe make this clearer?
Actually, marriages usually unravel before an affair, not the other way around. Maybe she finds out about her father and the conflict is about keeping the secret, but then...that's another story.
Anyway...this has a lot of potential and could be a great story.
Good luck with it.
I think you've shown the plot really well, but I'd like to get a sense of what makes this story different from others like it and/or what makes Mallory a unique character.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else. This sounds like a solid character arc but we need the outer goal here, not the inner one.
ReplyDeleteA bit bland for me ...
ReplyDeleteI like where this is going, but I agree that we need the outer goal.
ReplyDeleteLike some other commentators, I'm left wondering what makes this story different. There's plenty of YA Contemporary that deals with the issues you're writing about. You're going to have to give a stronger hook that what you've got.
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself: What makes this story different?
I love this. You are clearly a very talented writer.
ReplyDeleteExcellent first line. The plot, however, sounds like so many dramatic teen love stories, so you need to make it stand out. Divorce, betrayal, feeling lost and confused are very commonplace -you need to make us care about Mallory by the conflict/incident or through her voice, which isn't strong enough here.
ReplyDelete