TITLE: The Chocolate Curse
GENRE: Thriller
Peta, a grieving location scout, takes a seemingly innocuous job on a documentary about chocolate. But when two men are murdered, she discovers the dark side of the sweet industry and must expose the killers before they end her career, or worse, her life.
Miss Snark's First Victim
in a documentary is all I think you need to change from on a documentary.
ReplyDeleteThis is clear and it works. I wouldn't mind seeing a little more personality here, maybe something that connects the grieving with something else - how grief affects her reaction to the threat, how the threat impacts the course of her grieving, something like that. But that's strictly optional, you've got the basics solidly covered.
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I like the little puns about dark and sweet... you had me craving chocolate! But why would a location scout try to solve murders? How is she involved in this? Did she witness something?
ReplyDeleteI stumbled over "location scout" because at first I didn't know what that was. Does that detail matter? I would have understood very well with just the 'takes an innocuous job.' Also, I would love to have a hint of why SHE has to expose the killers rather than do what most people would around murders--run the other way.
ReplyDeleteI like this premise a lot and think this logline is one of the best written ones I've read in this session so far. I would like to either know what a location scout is or see you take it out, because if her new job isn't being a location scout, does it matter? Also, if you're mentioning the grieving, I'd at least say WHY she's grieving, as I'm guessing that plays into why she hunts down the killers instead of leaving this to the cops. An agent isn't going to consider this believable until this includes the reason WHY Peta hunts down killers.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like it must have a quirky and/or original voice, and I wonder if you could infuse more of that voice in here, too.
While I like the premise of your story and your logline is excellent, I have some reservations about your title. It doesn't sound very much like a thriller. Could this be more mystery than thriller?
ReplyDeleteI like the context, but I don't understand how these killers could end her career as a location scout. Isn't that a project-by-project occupation? And how involved in the production is the location scout? I thought they'd be looking for locations, not hanging around the production.
ReplyDeleteJust a few small things. The title makes me thing I'm getting humorous fantasy. You might want to come up with something more ominous sounding.
ReplyDeleteCut 'seemingly.' It does nothing for you.
And add the reason she gets caught up in these murders. Did she witness them? Was someone she loved murdered? Was that murder and these connected? We need the why, I think.
And I think the 'end her career' weakens this because she's not even doing her 'career' job here, and faced with ending our careers or being killed, most people, I think, would choose ending their careers. Losing her life is much more powerful if it stands alone.
this one is short, 'sweet', and too the point. when i read the title, i thought it sounded more like a MG title, or something WF about getting fat, etc... i think it's almost too sweet for such a dark story. okay enough of stealing your chocolate language... but i did enjoy this one. it laid it out smoothly.
ReplyDeleteI think this is pretty solid in terms of laying out the conflict and the consequences. I'm just wondering WHY she has to expose the killers. Why her specifically? I don't think the logline necessarily has to answer that question, b/c that might make it too long, but if you can work a clue in in just a few words, I think that'd make it stronger.
ReplyDelete"Grieving" needs to go unless you want to explain it. Otherwise, we are waiting for you to tell us why she is grieving or for you to connect the grief to the consequences.
ReplyDeleteMy only other suggestion is to give us something more specific on the murder...something that draws her into the conflict. Are the victims her co-workers? Her friends? Two random guys she saw on the street?
Solid, sweet, dark, got to break for lunch. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know what location the two men are murdered in (the vats) making Nestles Crunch.
I'm confused about title and genre when all I feel from your writing is comedy and great at that. Would you consider a comic undertone to your mystery (thriller)?
If so, you could finish with or worse, her desire for chocolate.
I agree with the others who suggest removing "grieving". Otherwise, I think this really works!
ReplyDeleteMay I just say that I'm completely jealous at the "research" you got to do basing your story on protag who is doing a documentary on chocolate.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise and your logline is strong. Just needs to clear up a few things. At first the location scout threw me off, and I agree that the ending of her career isn't needed.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
I agree with the above--I stumbled on the phrase "greiving location scout." I would cut it. And why is she the one who needs to expose the killers?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your insightful comments everyone! I had some earlier versions that explained why she was the one to investigate (K. Cooper hit the nail on the head), but they were very long. I'll just have to work harder at explaining it in a brief fashion. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh and I'll review the title as well. It's the first one I came up with, and I haven't really thought about it since, but it seems to be conveying every genre but the one I'm writing!
Thanks again, this has been really helpful and I appreciate the time taken to comment.