TITLE: Bound and Broken
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Psychic and empath, Zoe finds herself soul-bound to a vampire after a life-saving blood exchange. When the Queen of Nightmares shows up looking for revenge, Zoe finds herself danger. Will the newly bound couple survive the wrath of an ancient vampire out for blood?
Miss Snark's First Victim
I guess I want to know what "psychic and empath" has to do with this and who is the Queen of Nightmares seeking revenge on, or why. Also, is there a particular choice they face that tell us the stakes involved?
ReplyDeleteThere are some awkward patches here - you use "finds herself" twice, and using a comma after "psychic and empath" seems clumsy. Make sure this is as polished as your manuscript - you might need a friend's fresh eyes to help you catch these little errors.
ReplyDeleteI'm also not sure you're presenting the story in such a way as to really bring out its unique qualities. Since I'm not a fan of paranormal romance, I'm not sure what makes a book in this genre feel special, so I'm afraid my advice ends here - Maybe some other commenters more familiar with the genre can give suggestions which parts you should emphasize and where you need more of the details that really make your book special? Or maybe I'm wrong and this already accomplishes that?
This is definitely too passive. We need a clearly defined goal, which in this case, is probably something like "Zoe wants to save her own life and the life of her vampire love blah blah blah." Also, never ask a question in a logline (or in a query for that matter). And try to mention something that makes this really unique. Vampire romance is a really tough sell and you need to show that you're not writing another Twilight.
ReplyDeletedamn twilight always getting in our way...
ReplyDeletethis does seem a little passive to me, too, not to camp on what holly said, but i guess i did.
i would also not repeat a phrase finds herself. one because it is passive and two, it makes it even less of an impact. this almost sounds like sookie meets the queen of the damned...
I like that there's a 'Queen of Nightmares,' but why is she looking for revenge (I assume it's b/c Zoe saved this vampire that was supposed to die? it's unclear). Otherwise, I think it's quite good!
ReplyDeletePerhaps just add why the Queen of nightmares wants revenge. For what? And Zoe finds herself in danger how? What does the Queen want to do to her? And what must she do to save herself and her new love?
ReplyDeleteI was wondering too why the Queen of Nightmares wanted revenge. Did she want the vampire to die? Or did she want to be soul-bound to him?
ReplyDeleteI think you've laid out the consequences clearly, but perhaps not so much the goal. Is it just survival? Because, as others have said, that seems a little passive. If you can include a clearly-defined goal (eg. killing the Queen of Nightmares) before stating the consequences, this would be even better.
I loved this.
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to see the reason for the revenge spelled out, you have room.
The psychic and empath isn't clear to me. But I do love the queen of the nightmares, but I, too, would like to know why.
ReplyDeleteZoe being soul-bound to a vampire sounds very interesting. But I also wondered why the queen is looking for revenge and what Zoe plans to do about it.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. I think narrow down the main conflict...is it the couple or the Queen of nightmares and go with that. You may want to read it out loud to catch any typos.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
What is the Queen of Nightmares looking for revenge for? I'm also not clear on Zoe's goal.
ReplyDelete