TITLE: Out of Time
GENRE: Middle Grade
When thirteen year old Charlie Wells moves onto the North Carolina plantation that's been in his family for 200 years, he thinks his life is over. But, when he and his new friends discover a time machine hidden deep in the woods he realizes it's just getting interesting. By accident they arrive on Charlie's same plantation 150 years in the past. Within minutes one is forced into slavery while another is accused of being a Yankee spy. The two others must set out on foot to find their friends and the key that will take them home, before they're history.
Miss Snark's First Victim
At five sentences, this is much too long for a logline. However, you've got a great story concept going here. Boil those sentences down into one or two snappy lines and this could be great!
ReplyDeleteFor example, those first two sentences could be combined into something like:
"When thirteen year old Charlie Wells discovers a time machine on his family's 200 year old plantation, ______________________."
Great story idea - best of luck!
I agree, it's a great storyline. I would love to read it right now. It is a little long, but I thought it was very interesting. ;-) T
ReplyDeleteLove the idea. However it is a rather long. You seem to set up your story first which isn't needed. You could also focus more on Charlie instead of what happens to his friends. I don't know if he's the accused Yankee spy or was forced into slavery, or the one looking for the way home.
ReplyDeleteYou need to distill this into two sentences, or three at the most. Focus on what is important to Charlie and his friends. When Charlie and a friend stumble upon a time machine hidden on his families' plantation, they find themselves trapped in the past, one a slave, one an accused spy. Can they find a way to escape both their prisons and time itself?
ReplyDeleteonly better
This sounds like a fun and great read! Just trim it down as the others have suggested.
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing. Good luck and great job.
What they all said about length as a logline. But I'll say it makes a perfect pitch paragraph for a query, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely too long. Check out Authoress' post from a bit ago that links to Holly Bodger's site.
ReplyDeleteFive things in a logline: main character, inciting incident, conflict, goal and consequences.
From what I can tell, there are two inciting incidents, two conflicts, and two goals. If you narrow things down to one, you'll have a good logline.
Thanks for all the great comments! Agreed, it's too long. I'm going to work on it and see what I can do.
ReplyDeleteI love this! Could you maybe condense the first few sentences with something like, "When Charlie Wells and his friend discover a time machine behind a family-inherited plantation, they're accidentally sent 150 years into the past." A little rough, but something like that would get right to the meat of this. I'm really intrigued!
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot, although I'm curious about the origin of the time machine and how it works. But that's one of the things that makes me want to read this book.
ReplyDelete:)
Agree with eveyone's comments above (you guys are not leaving much for me to say!!!) I would also add that you need to focus on Charlie here. What is HE going to do in order to find his friends and what/who is going to stop HIM?
ReplyDeleteHi, Author here. Here's my revised attempt. I'd love feedback on it, if anyone's inclined! Thanks again for the help and all of the comments!
ReplyDeleteWhen thirteen year old Charlie Wells discovers a time machine on the plantation that’s been in his family for 200 years, he and his friends get a history lesson they won’t soon forget, or possibly even survive. With Charlie in custody, accused of being a Yankee spy, the others set off on a rescue mission that leads straight through the heart of the Civil War. Can they reunite and escape the past, or are they history?
this story sounds awesome and has a lot of stakes for the mc and the secondary characters.
ReplyDeletei like the second log better.
i'd ready this story, and i don't even pick up mg's . this really seems like a cool story.
All that backstory is unnecessary. Parse it down and this is stellar premise. I'd read it!
ReplyDeleteI think for the log line you want to cut phrases like 'it will be a lesson they won't soon forget' as it doesn't really say anything about the story.
ReplyDeleteAnd in the second version, you omitted the line about one becoming a slave, and I think you should keep that because it ups the tension even more.
But a really interesting premise!
I like the sound of the story, but I think your logline needs some pruning. eg. the fact the plantation has been in his family for 200 years doesn't matter for the purposes of the logline. It may be important for the story (I'm guessing he runs into his family in the past) but it's making both loglines too long.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm wondering how this story is structured. It sounds like the focus of the story is the rescue mission, but if Charlie is in custody, does the POV switch to the others who are rescuing him? If so, maybe you need to mention one of them by name.
I hope you don't mind me squeezing a few words out of your second submission:
ReplyDeleteThirteen-year-old Charlie Wells discovers a time machine on his family's long-held plantation. Naturally he and his friends try it. They land in the civil war. Charlie is taken into custody, accused of being a Yankee spy, his friends plan a rescue mission, rift with wartime dangers. Can they reunite and escape the past, or are they history?
I'd read on.
The author here again - how about this one? Am I getting any better?
ReplyDeleteWhen thirteen year old Charlie Wells discovers a time machine hidden deep in the woods, he and his friends embark on an adventure through history. Within minutes, one friend is forced into slavery while Charlie is accused of being a Yankee spy, leaving the others to set off on a rescue mission that leads straight through the heart of the Civil War. Can they reunite and escape the past, or are they history?
I like the premise of this story, but I think you can tighten up the blurb quite a lot. Look for ways to cut words, consolidate ideas, drop extraneous information. Also, when I got to the end (one this, one that, two others something else) I was lost as to what was going on with the protagonist. Was he enslaved, accused, or one of the rescuers?
ReplyDeleteGod bless,
Diana
I think the last version is awesome. And I'm hooked. But I would cut the question at the end. It is not necessary.
ReplyDeleteThe premise is great! The second version is much better, but I still think you can condense and simplify. Do that and it will terrific.
ReplyDeleteThere seems to be too much info here. Try narrowing it down to the main plot info only.
ReplyDeleteGood luck
Since Charlie is the only one named, I assume he's the main character.
ReplyDeleteIn the first version, it's not specified who is the slave, who is the spy, and who rescues the others, I assumed that Charlie was part of the rescue team (since he's the only one named).
But in the revisions, Charlie is the spy who has to be rescused, which makes him seem like a very inactive protagonist.
If Charlie is the main character, then I'd like to see what he does to convince people he isn't a spy, or whatever it is he does. Show him being active rather than passive.
Unless one of the friends who helps with the rescuing is actually the main character, then that should be made clear.
I LOVE this story. I agree with the above comments. This is way too long for a log line and too much detail. Keep it focused on Charlie and what Charlie must do.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one who sees 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure' here?
ReplyDeletethat's not necessarily a bad thing...