TITLE: THE GHOST WRITER
GENRE: YA Ghost Story
Ever since seventeen-year-old Tessa James moved to Manchester, she's done her damnedest to ignore the rumors of ghosts in the theatre next door, even when letters in a foreign language--and her own handwriting--appear on her nightstand. But then the accidents begin and they're much too similar to the notes to brush off.
Miss Snark's First Victim
First - nothing to do with the logline, but "The Ghost Writer" was a 2010 movie with Ewan McGregor!
ReplyDeleteSecond - the logline tells me about ghosts and accidents, and little else.
Grab me with something that will make me want to pick the book up and flip through the chapters. What happens to Tessa? Does she go ghost hunting? Is her life in danger? Something . . .
Now, beyond that, I'm intrigued. I love a good ghost story, so . . .
Why include details that are unimportant? Why a foreign language? And why does she feel compelled to act? Is she or some one she loves in danger?
ReplyDeleteIf this is Manchester, England then it's not a nightstand in her bedroom, it's whatever a nightstand is in UK English. And if you're mentioning the location I'd like to know why it's so important.
ReplyDeleteIt's all a bit woolly and vague - I'd like to know more about what the notes actually say.
Wonderfully creepy about the mysterious letters in her own handwriting. I think it would be great if you made it known what the accidents are and how it is similar to the notes. You can focus on this instead of the details of where she lives and the theatre next door.
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ReplyDeleteCreepy! Is there a reason Tessa is so set on ignoring the rumours? What does she have to do and why are the ghosts interested in her? Sounds spooky :)
ReplyDeleteI totally disagree with the other commenters...you've given some unique details to your story with the handwriting and foreign language info., you state the protag and what her conflict/goal is and implied consequences...either the killings continue or she becomes a victim herself if she doesn't get to the bottom of this. I'm totally hooked and want to read this. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteI think this is an awesome start. I'd like to see you change the 2nd line to something more like, "When accidents begin that are too similar to the letters to ignore, Tessa must blah blah blah [goal] or she will blah blah blah [consequences]."
ReplyDeleteAnd it is called a nightstand or bedside table in England but you should use the term Tessa would use and not the term they use in the UK .
Never ever heard it called a nightstand in the UK. Bedside table, yes. If she's an American moved to England then say so.
ReplyDeleteI love the creepy image of letters written in her handwriting. But I do want to know more about what those letters say, what she needs to do, and what the consequences are.
ReplyDeleteI loved this - I only got hung up on the last phrase: "they're much too similar to the notes to brush off" - I just got tripped up on the wording. Maybe "But when the accidents begin, just like the notes said, she can't brush it off any longer"
ReplyDeleteThe mysterious stuff all seems to be happening in her house, not the theater next door. Perhaps include something that makes the connection between the two.
ReplyDeleteI love ghost stories. Anyway, what is Tessa doing about these letters and the ghost? What's in it for her and what is she going to lose if she solves whatever it is she must solve?
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this well written logline.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
I liked it too. I'd suggest including, if possible, the consequence if she ignores the letters.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely add what Holly suggested. I really like this concept and the title.
ReplyDeleteGenerally I have little interest in ghost stories and YA for that matter...
ReplyDeleteand I find this really, really interesting.
I like the idea of the notes left in another language and in her own handwriting. But you lost me after that. I think maybe pick an accident that draws her into the conflict and what she may lose as a result.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Definitely beside table. I do hope it's set in England! I liked this. A lot.
ReplyDeleteWOW! Thanks for all the awesome feedback guys! The story actually takes place in Manchester, NH - sorry for the confusion! Glad I found that out now and not later :) Also, great points about consequences. I can see better now that those were missing. Is the revised version below a bit better?
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Ever since seventeen-year-old Tessa James moved to Manchester, NH, she's done her damnedest to ignore the rumors of ghosts in the theatre next door, even when letters in a foreign language--and her own handwriting--appear on her nightstand. But when accidents much too similar to those described in the letters begin, Tessa must find a way to put a stop to both or she just might be next.
I'm super intrigued by (what I think is) the premise of this story. The original logline made me wonder if Tessa is schizophrenic—like maybe one of her other personalities (who speaks other languages?) is purposefully causing the accidents. Even if I'm wrong, I'm still intrigued. :)
ReplyDeleteI love the idea behind this, especially the notes in her own handwriting. That adds a layer of suspicion to the story: is Tessa the ghost herself. I think you need to give us more of what the stakes are and what Tessa's role is in stopping whatever might happen. Lose some of the detail in the logline, and focus on the character's journey more.
ReplyDeleteI liked the second logline much better. Good inclusion of NH, because I was assuming Manchester, England too. I think the new version is a little long, but I'm not sure what you could cut. They're all good details.
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