TITLE: Ink Wash
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Sixteen-year-old Katie moves to Japan and crosses paths with her school's arrogant and gorgeous kendo star, whose drawings come to life in dangerous ways.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
This was really good and succinct, but we need a bit more of a goal/consequence version of it. Something like:
ReplyDeleteSixteen-year-old American Katie [something more specific than "crosses paths with"] her Japanese school's arrogant and gorgeous kendo star. When his drawings come to life, she must stop them before [stakes].
Why is drawings coming to life a problem for her? Why are they dangerous to her? Why is it her problem, not his?
ReplyDeleteOoh, I like the idea of drawings coming to life but I'd love to know what makes them dangerous to her.
ReplyDeleteLike the others, I think this is good but would be even better with a sense of her goal.
ReplyDeleteI think this sounds great. I thought loglines were supposed to be one sentence as well, and if that's the case, this one nails it. Just enough plot and a nice hook.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck! :o)
I agree with S. Kyle Davis - you are missing the goal and the consequences. I'd also like to see you make this personal to Katie. How do his drawings affect her? How are they dangerous TO HER?
ReplyDeleteI liked this because I can infer that the "dangerous ways" mean danger to MC. I'm already thinking of miniature dragons or warriors running off the pages...
ReplyDeleteSounds like a Manga story! Should be appealing to teens who enjoy Manga/Anime. However, I'm not sure what Katie's conflict is. Does she like this boy but he has only disdain for her? Are his drawings evil, and Katie has special powers she uses for good? I think we need more details about who Katie is, what she wants, and the conflict that faces her.
ReplyDeleteGod bless,
Diana
Drawings coming to life sounds great. However, I don't see her goal and conflict.
ReplyDeletePerhaps it needs some work, technically, but it makes me want to read the book. :) Really all you need is to take out "crosses paths" and give us a verb with a little more conflict there, I think.
ReplyDeleteThis DOES sound like an anime/manga! :) I'd read it to find out more, but I agree that it needs more of a specific conflict and a consequence.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me want to read the book too, but another line about what Katie has to do about the drawings coming to life and what will happen if she doesn't would make this perfect.
ReplyDeletethis is almost there. it sounds like a cool story, too.
ReplyDeletei'd make the dangers personal to Katie and I think you have it.
This got my attention, but then dropped off at the end and left me unsure about what's actually happening. Why does it matter that his drawings come to life? I assume that she has to do something to stop him, but need more info to figure out where this is headed.
ReplyDeleteI think you can integrate all the comments into a better logline. I liked the succinctness.
ReplyDeleteInk Wash is intriguing.
After your last two words, 'dangerous ways,' I think you have an opportunity to say Katie and the boy's feelings to each other change, when she decides to help him battle the drawings. In this way you nail the conflict, goals and antagonist.
I liked it. I do have questions, but would like to read the story to find the answers.
ReplyDeleteI'd like more specificity about what's dangerous about the drawings, but I'd read this because I like the concept.
ReplyDeleteI'm not into manga, but I love this! Revise logline with goal and stakes and you'll be in great shape.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comments above, and though I wouldn't ordinarily comment just to say "I agree," I really liked the idea of drawings that come to life so I thought I'd second (third, fourth)the notion that telling us more specifically how or why that happens - or at least giving us a few more words of detail about it - would be helpful.
ReplyDeleteI like this. I think what it means for your MC is important to add. Good job
ReplyDelete