TITLE: Mourn the Sun
GENRE: Adult Sci-fi
I was barely eight years old when they came for me.
The knock on the door went on for quite some time before I realized that whoever it was actually intended to wait for us to open it. When I did, I found in the hallway the strangest sight I'd ever seen.
The sight of a man in uniform actually inside our building, on purpose, was a shock. This was a uniform I'd never seen before. All dark, serious colors and little ornamentation, the fabric looked heavy, whole, and clean. Never-been-worn clean, not simply what you call clean because you just washed it and that's as good as it's going to get anymore. Another man hovered behind him.
For all he looked so important, he was fidgety, his eyes darting up and down the hallway. I swear he was scared someone was about to jump him. A patsy. Easy pickings.
Still, you couldn't trust anyone in uniform.
I offered no greeting. We weren't big on formalities in Abenez, the most notorious neighborhood in the slum that was Mexico City. To my mind the "what do you want" was implied in the opening of the door. So we stood there for quite a space of time, staring at each other, his nose wrinkling in slow, measured increments.
In his defense, it probably did stink; there was already a group of spectators forming behind him and I'm sure at least one person there wasn't washed, probably several.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the mystery of the opening here. The idea of a person showing up at your door in a uniform can hold a lot of meanings and this in turn gives the reader plenty to consider with what may happen in the plot next. I also liked the ending where the spectators are gathering, which will build the scene up for the reader as they want to learn where it progresses.
ReplyDeleteI'm really impressed. Nice work. Great use of language. I like his nose wrinkling in stages. I like the implied "what do you want" with the opening of the door.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked!
Hm ... Interesting. I like the way this opens and I like the tone of the door opener, even though we know so precious little about them.
ReplyDeleteI like the mystery of the man at the door and ... is the other guy actually hovering? Like ... as in hovercraft like?
Thanks!
Nice work using third person to explain something well that an eight year old would not have put as well--good POV call.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a little dialogue from the uniformed guy, though? Wouldn't he have said something?
This is terrific.
ReplyDeleteApart from some redundancy in 'graphs 2 and 3, I think this is a strong opening.
ReplyDelete"actually" is repeated in pretty close proximity.
When I did, I found in the hallway the strangest sight I'd ever seen.
The sight of a man in uniform actually inside our building, on purpose, was a shock. This was a uniform I'd never seen before.
I would strike the first sentence entirely here, along with "actually" in the second sentence. And I would combine the last two sentences:
The sight of a man in a strange uniform inside our building, on purpose, was a shock.
Great opening. I like the level of detail, and you're building some great conflict."For all he looked so important" is a little awkward. Also, I don't think you need the info about Mexico City quite yet--it feels a little like an info dump. Overall, however, I enjoyed it. Excellent first sentence.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to contradict other commenters, but I didn't think this was particularly strong, and that's mostly because of your opening sentence: I was barely eight years old when they came for me. This start implies that everything below it is backstory, being told from sometime when your POV character is now older. It's not written as a scene, and by that I mean you take away some of the immediacy of the situation by opening that way. Because if your first-person narrator is alive to tell the story about what happened to him when he was eight, that means he survives. Instant tension killer. And since he's not acting like he loses something else (a loved one, some token of importance, etc.) in this scene, there's no reason to worry, and thus no real tension. Also, it tells the reader the officers are there to get your POV character. Without that first sentence, we wouldn't know why the men in uniform were there, so we as readers would have more reason to worry from the start. To be emotionally in the scene. So, my recommendation is to save the "I was eight years old info" until the end of this scene and start with the knocking. There are some grammatical issues in here, a few redundancies, and overall I think it could use a little polish on a sentence-structure level. Also, you have two men who you continually refer to as "he." We need a way to distinguish more clearly between them. Which "he" is wrinkling his nose in that second to last paragraph?
ReplyDeleteAuthor here. K, I really appreciate your analysis. It brings up a question for me. This book has a "prologue" which says simply:
ReplyDeleteThis is a private memoir and not intended for any other audience. If you have found this, in spite of my efforts, please destroy it immediately.
Knowing this is a "memoir" before this scene, does that change your assessment of the impact of the first sentence, or does it reinforce the lack of immediacy?
I appreciate your help.
To answer your question: knowing it's a "memoir" written by your POV character reinforces the lack of immediacy. In fact, indicating it's a memoir automatically reduces some of the immediacy of the entire book because the main character ("author of said memoir") must have survived the events to "write" it. There are many books written this way, but the best ones have a reason for this introduction. Why do you feel having a prologue stating this is a memoir enhances your story? (I'm guessing if you have an answer to that question, it has something to do with why he wrote events down if he wanted to hide them. Thus the "in spite of my efforts" and "please destroy immediately.") BUT, if you don't have a good, strong, solid answer to that question (a stylistic choice isn't strong), then the answer probably is: it's not doing your book any good. I can think of several examples of books with this type of opening, and most didn't keep me excited. Keep in mind that this is just my opinion and it reflects the type of books I like to read. Use your best judgment on this.
ReplyDeleteI wanted more in the way of what happened when they came and got him. Why did they come and get him. Who are 'they?' Why does he open the door and not the parents? Does he have parents? What do 'they' say and do? Do they drag him away kicking and screaming? How is the crowd reacting? Watching in fear or ready to attack? There's so much potential for this opening scene and you don't show any of it. Instead, the MC chats with me. I was disappointed and wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteConsider allowing your MC to act and think and feel, rather than talk. Let the story happen, don't explain it. What did your MC feel as an 8 year old boy opening the door to the dreaded men in uniform? You have a lot here to work with. Use it.
I think if you remove the "they came to get me when I was 8" part, then there is no way you could adequately narrate this scene in the adult language and with the adult observations you use, yet align that with the age of the protag.
ReplyDeleteI don't have to think he won't survive to get interested in what is going to happen. They took him. I want to know where and why and how.
The tension isn't killed because he didn't survive...I expect him to survive, after all, he's the protag. I'm thinking they are taking him to fight in a war or be a drug mule or enter some underground slave trade. That's bad enough. I'm hooked.
But, Author, I think the prologue you mention is kind of gimmicky and detracts from the authentic voice you have in the opening scene.
Only my opinion.
Well I hate it when the mc dies, so I'd be glad to know off the bat that they didn't. ;)
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, I'd think it was a given that in 1st person past tense POV, the narrator had survived whatever in order to tell the story.
It doesn't bother me.
RE: the title—I feel as if this is another one-dimensional title . . . It doesn’t have that engaging kind of touch to it.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
I think this is a weak opening, for a few different reasons.
My two immediate thoughts:
1- You’re not starting the novel on a note of immediacy/urgency—you’re stalling the progress of the plot in exchange for information that we don’t need later.
2- Be careful about trying to create a sense of tension via narrative/exposition—that’s fake tension. Real tension comes only when we see immediate action, not action filtered through memory.
I was barely eight years old when they came for me.
The knock on the door went on for quite some time before I realized that whoever it was actually intended to wait for us to open it. When I did, I found in the hallway the strangest sight I'd ever seen.
The sight of a man in uniform actually inside our building, on purpose, was a shock. This was a uniform I'd never seen before. All dark, serious colors and little ornamentation, the fabric looked heavy, whole, and clean. Never-been-worn clean, not simply what you call clean because you just washed it and that's as good as it's going to get anymore. Another man hovered behind him.
For all he looked so important, he was fidgety, his eyes darting up and down the hallway. I swear he was scared someone was about to jump him. A patsy. Easy pickings.
Still, you couldn't trust anyone in uniform.
I offered no greeting. We weren't big on formalities in Abenez, the most notorious neighborhood in the slum that was Mexico City. To my mind the "what do you want" was implied in the opening of the door. So we stood there for quite a space of time, staring at each other, his nose wrinkling in slow, measured increments.
In his defense, it probably did stink; there was already a group of spectators forming behind him and I'm sure at least one person there wasn't washed, probably several.
I’m not sure how old the character is now or what gender s/he is, and the voice comes through only in spurts.
You’re not starting the novel in the best place—there are elements specific to the text here that could use some work, such as the extraneous details about the suit that don’t flow very well, and so I’m not hooked—I would have passed on this very early in the excerpt.