TITLE: Intersections
GENRE: Mainstream/paranormal
It was my fault--the accident. There's no way Win would have missed seeing that truck, especially at this intersection, where the land actually rises a few feet higher than the flat prairie around it.
Not if I hadn't blown smoke in his face.
It was my fault we were running late and had to take the Hard Road with its four lanes and faster speeds. It was my fault we went at all.
Now all I can do is sit on this chunk of granite near that old rockpile they call Buena Vista Mount and pray to all the gods in the universe that my husband came through as good as I did--or better. Because even though nothing hurts and there's not a scratch on me, I can't seem to move.
I don't remember how I got here, but I do remember the ferocity of the noise when I first opened my eyes, how the air around me vibrated with sirens, screams and shouting, with the scrape of metal and the whine of it being pulled apart. It's quieter now, but I still see the rescuers in their lime-green jackets and gray helmets scurrying about on the highway and in the ditch. Which is odd, come to think of it, because it's full-on summer, when the tall grass and weeds that surround Buena Vista Mount should totally block any view of the highway. Someone has trampled down a wide swath of the brush, leaving a chaos of footprints.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow - this is a tough one, I feel sad for the character but I am warring over what the heck is going on.
ReplyDeleteI really like the tone of the piece and I think it will make a great book! Good luck!
Thanks!
Start just before the accident. Let's ser her talk him into going wherever they're going. Show her blowing smoke in his face. Show the crash. If we spend time with your characters, we can relate better to them because we know them a bit. As is, a woman is sitting on a rock and thinking.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Barbara. I know nothing about your characters and although I would have sympathy for anyone in a crash, I need to like her. Or at least understand her better.
ReplyDeleteYou did nail the feeling of confusion, though. Where she thinks she knows what's going on, and seems all together, but as we hear her thoughts, we know she's not
I'm going to totally disagree with the two posters before me and say that I think it's probably important to the story that we don't see the crash. I have the sneaking suspicion something else is going on here, and the inciting incident hasn't actually happened yet. The crash itself probably isn't important in the grand scheme of things, but what happens next, probably is.
ReplyDeleteI agree, there's a lot of telling, but I really liked this.I assume she's dead and unawared of it.
ReplyDeleteThe name Win made me picture a female until she revealed he's her husband.
I would read more.
I like this. The writing itself is really good. Here's some of the phrasing that I liked: "where the land actually rises a few feet higher than the flat prairie around it;" "had to take the Hard Road;" "how the scrape of metal and the whine of it being pulled apart." "lime-green jackets and gray helmets scurrying about..." and "chaos of footprints."
ReplyDeleteI have questions about what is happening here (is she dead? a ghost?) but I don't think that's a bad thing at all for just the first page - and I'd read on for sure.
Excellent. I'm eager to read more.
ReplyDeleteI think this starts in a great spot. If I understand it correctly, she's dead, but doesn't realize it yet. You conveyed well, what I would imagine, is the numbed confusion immediately after death.
ReplyDeleteI don't know where you're going with this, but I'm hooked.
Huh. I came out of this pretty confused. She's sitting on a rock but she can't move? So how did she get into (or stay in) a sitting position? And how would she know there's not a scratch on her if she can't move to look?
ReplyDeleteIf there are rescuers, wouldn't they have told her how her husband's doing? If the rescuers can't/haven't seen her, wouldn't that be one of the big worries she has?
There was some nice writing in here, great descriptions. But I didn't get the story at all.
Outstanding first line, made me want to read more. I did want her to have a stronger emotional reaction after she says "It was my fault we went at all." Thinking that she might have killed her husband should be evoking a huge emotional response.
ReplyDeleteThe description of what she's seeing is well-written but slightly confusing -- I have the impression that she's elevated, but she expects the grass to be blocking her view of the highway. And the intersection where the crash is supposed to have happened is a few feet higher than the flat prairie around it. How far away is she from the crash site?
The writing is very well done and I think you've also conveyed her feelings to us well. I had the same feeling as Joie - that the crash isn't the best place to start, that something else is going to happen now that is the real start to the story. There's a bit of mystery in the fact no one has approached her on the rock, when she must be clearly visible and I would read on to find out what has happened to her and her husband.
ReplyDeleteRE: title—I like it, but I think it could be more specific.
ReplyDeleteAlso, all paranormal fiction is . . . paranormal fiction. There is mainstream fiction with paranormal elements, but then it’s still mainstream.
It was my fault--the accident. There's no way Win would have missed seeing that truck, especially at this intersection, where the land actually rises a few feet higher than the flat prairie around it.
I hate this kind of opening because you’re taking the easy way out. Either start the second before the accident or start the second your actual story begins, whatever it is—I would guess that it’s the moment your MC’s guilt starts to matter or the moment the paranormal begins to come through or whatever.
That last phrase—just say “where the land rises a few feet above the flat prairie.” Everything else is assumed in that statement and the use of the “intersection” term.
This can be stronger. Can always be stronger.
Not if I hadn't blown smoke in his face.
Him? Oh, Win is a boy’s name? I thought Win as in Winnie . . .
This is good, intriguing, but it will always be stronger in the moment.
It was my fault we were running late and had to take the Hard Road with its four lanes and faster speeds. It was my fault we went at all.
This is introspection—if we’re going to know that your character feels guilt, we need to see that. Don’t tell us what can be shown! This character (boy? girl?) would especially feel the guilt if she’s just sitting and thinking about this (again, introspection bad, being in the moment better). I’m just saying—this is an additional concern that keeps this from being as strong an opening as possible.
I do like the content and what it means here, but I’d much prefer to hear your MC think this in the moment.
Now all I can do is sit on this chunk of granite near that old rockpile they call Buena Vista Mount and pray to all the gods in the universe that my husband came through as good as I did--or better. Because even though nothing hurts and there's not a scratch on me, I can't seem to move.
Here is where things get tough for me because I don’t understand if you’re trying to show something important but secret or if you’re overdramatizing it. (I particularly don’t get the phrase “as good as I did—or better”. This to me means she’s alive, and I don’t see why she wouldn’t know that. Except she can’t move?) Considering the very good writing, I’m willing to give you a bit of leniency, but I still think you should show everything up to the second of the accident as it is happening and then skip to this. It will make this ever the more powerful.
I don't remember how I got here, but I do remember the ferocity of the noise when I first opened my eyes, how the air around me vibrated with sirens, screams and shouting, with the scrape of metal and the whine of it being pulled apart. It's quieter now, but I still see the rescuers in their lime-green jackets and gray helmets scurrying about on the highway and in the ditch. Which is odd, come to think of it, because it's full-on summer, when the tall grass and weeds that surround Buena Vista Mount should totally block any view of the highway. Someone has trampled down a wide swath of the brush, leaving a chaos of footprints.
This is great. (Still think it will be more effective to have the accident told as it is happening.)
This is written VERY well. I’m hooked—though I think the accident would have more urgency (and thus be a better hook) if you told it as it were happening. Regardless, though, I think these first 250 words have more of a hook factor together than most of the other excerpts—very well done!