TITLE: Braver
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Leyik's head was forced underwater. A stream of bubbles rushed past his face as he screamed. He didn't have much time left.
Leyik struggled to move his head above the water, but strong hands gripped his neck with such power that they could have easily broken his spine. He thrashed his arms and legs against the jagged metal tank, but couldn't break his shackles. His body buzzed from what felt like ten thousand pinpricks in his fingers and toes. Little specs of light burst into his vision from a spasm of blood vessels in his brain. He started convulsing, moving his body in desperate attempt to flood his lungs with oxygen. Finally the reflex to breathe was too great to be controlled. He opened his mouth and sucked in water. A moment later a man with a shaved head pulled him out of the tank. A slap across Leyik's face accompanied his violent gasp for air.
A barrage of questions came before Leyik could clear the water from his lungs. "Who are you working for? What is your mission? What are you planning on doing with VANGUARD?"
What the hell is vanguard? "I don't know what you're talking about!" Leyik coughed. "What did you do with Mike?" The man threw Leyik to the ground. He wore a white lab coat that covered the length of his slender form. Thick-rimmed glasses rested on his pale, sunken face. The scientist walked across the room to switch on surgical lights above a medical table.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This beginning really pulled me in. The way the author describes Leyik as he practically drowns is incredibly vivid. Opening the book with a torture scene is a powerful way to jumpstart the action. Assuming the author keeps up the quality of writing and the strong visuals this beginning shows, the rest of the book will be excellent.
ReplyDelete- Lauren Smith
So hooked. Me. Am. I is so hooked.
ReplyDeleteFrom the bubbles.
Seriously, though - I really enjoyed this and I think this is the beginning of a rock solid urban fiction book - it seems to even have a few extra elements string in that lend a peek at what could be. The conflict is in your face which is nice, and then the hero sounds so appealing.
I think you will go far!
Thanks!
That's a great opening! You stick us right in the middle of the action.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence doesn't live up to the rest of it though. Leyik's head was forced underwater - is a rather bland statement. Maybe use stronger words. The scientist forced/plunged Leyiks face into the tank of cold/hot/slimy water. Play around with it. It's your first sentence. Make it as strong and vivid as the rest of the piece.
And you have him screaming with his head underwater, which means he'd be taking in water right away, and later he is holding his breath.
Perhaps go through it sentence by sentence and do as much showing as you can so the writing is as strong as the story.
Not convinced this is the best place to start your book - especially since it centers on the action and not the characters. I'd want to know what Leyik is thinking and feeling emotionally, rather than just details about his physical symptoms.
ReplyDelete(And maybe it doesn't appeal to me just because water torture has been so much in the news as an interrogation method.)
The end of this scene is a tad hackneyed - the evil scientist demanding to know the main character's mission. What subtracts from the realism of this scene is the almost comic-book appearance: lab coat, slender, thick-rimmed glasses, pale sunken face.
And - believe it or not, this is a big and - the reader has no idea this man is a scientist (anyone can wear a lab coat) until you, the writer, announce it in the last sentence. This is the writer injecting himself or herself to get across information, and it breaks the flow enormously. You can have Leyik figure out he's a scientist, or he can have a name tag that says Joe Doe, PhD ... but as is, this is a factoid that you've shoehorned in. (There's a medical table - he could just as likely be a doctor.)
I hope this makes some sense. You write well, but I think some of these things could keep an agent from moving past the first page.
we definitely have action. uhhhh scientist and surgical lights and medical table, my stomach's turning and i'm worring what's next for the MC.
ReplyDeleteVery vivid description of what the MC is experiencing -- I got totally caught up in the scene, wondering what would happen.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if the opening might be stronger if the antagonist was identified, as in "The man forced Leyik's head underwater." Otherwise we spend a little bit of time wondering what was forcing his head down.
A couple of other places where I got stopped: "A slap across Leyik's face accompanied his violent gasp for air." I stumbled over "accompanied"; it seems so long and formal for the situation. Perhaps something more immediate, like putting the slap at the end of the prior sentence and then something like, "Leyik violently gasped for air." (Not perfect, I know!!)
I also stumbled on the next sentence because I didn't know if the questions were coming from Leyik's mind or elsewhere. Perhaps identify the protagonist again to make it clear, like "The man barraged Leyik with questions before he could clear the water..."
But I loved the tension of the scene, the mystery of who these men were and why the interrogation. Nice job!
Well, MI3 opened with a great torture scene, but we were already invested in that character. I'm not yet invested in Leyik, so despite how vivid this is, it's more a clinical than an emotional read for me.
ReplyDeleteWhich means I'm concentrating on how things are happening, and I'm not getting a clear and logical progression of events. The first paragraph confused me, especially in context with the next. It seems Leyik's head has just been pushed under. Why is he screaming (underwater)? And who is telling me he doesn't have much time left (shouldn't he have a couple of minutes, at least?) -- the narrator or Leyik?
In the second 'graph, he's convulsing and moving his body to draw oxygen in, but it isn't until the next sentence that the reflex to breathe can't be controlled. The convulsing isn't really in response to an attempt to flood the lungs with oxygen, so the word choices for me are off there. Plus, he seems to get to this point rather quickly, even if he did foolishly scream all his air out.
Then I think Leyik would have to cough before he could answer questions. And if he's pulled out of the tank, where does he land (in a chair, on a table, on his feet?) that he can be thrown to the ground later?
In all, I'm afraid, while the writing is vivid, the setup here is a bit too trope-familiar for me.
You could cut your first paragraph entirely. The second one kind of gets the point across, and it does it much more vividly. And I 100% agree with previous commenters when they said this opening was too cliche. It's not pulling me in, because I feel like I've seen this before. And I've seen it one too many times. What makes this unique? What about it makes your story unique? I'm not seeing that here.
ReplyDeleteIn your opening scene, there are a few things you need to do, and one of them is to prove that this story belongs in the genre you say it does. There's nothing Urban Fantasy in here. Nothing fantastical at all. There's a mad scientists drowning someone for information. Maybe you're better off starting when Leyik gets caught (presumably happens before the scientist does anything with this "Mike" character). Give us time to get to know Leyik and care that he is being tortured. Then this scene will matter. And, even if you can't show the fantasy right away, there may be something you can do to better emulate the genre in a different scene. You're also missing tangible goals and motivation/conflict here. You should have at least one of the G-M-C trio in every scene. And a main goal can't be "don't die from drowning" because, well, that doesn't extend beyond this scene (I sincerely hope). So, try a different starting point. Give us something that is simultaneously less cliche, indicative of genre, and indicative of the main character's main goals and/or conflict. Your writing on a sentence-level is strong enough, so I'm sure you can do this.
The first sentence is past tense and it makes it sound like Leyik doesn't know what's going on or why he's underwater. But in the second paragraph we find out that he's being interrogated by the man with the shaved head, which Leyik would certainly be aware of.
ReplyDeleteThis whole opening is very well written, and Leyik's struggle as he's underwater is vividly written. I'd definitely keep reading.
RE: title—Not convinced it’s the most effective title. I definitely think there’s a better one, and I always think a title should do a little bit (at least) to hint at the genre; this is something you could title a book in any genre.
ReplyDeleteAs for your text—
Leyik's head was forced underwater. A stream of bubbles rushed past his face as he screamed. He didn't have much time left.
This could be more effective:
“[The man behind?] Leyik forced his head underwater. A stream of bubbles rushed to the surface as he opened his mouth to scream. [Or something like this—don’t be passive, make things more specific, etc.]
He didn’t have much time left.” [Take note also of the paragraph reorganization.]
Leyik struggled to move his head above the water, but strong hands gripped his neck with such power that they could have easily broken his spine. He thrashed his arms and legs against the jagged metal tank, but couldn't break his shackles. His body buzzed from what felt like ten thousand pinpricks in his fingers and toes. Little specs of light burst into his vision from a spasm of blood vessels in his brain.
I would cut the entire original paragraph in half here.
Some additional concerns—I think there are too many descriptions here, particularly in the last two sentences. Choose one effective description and go from there.
As for the first sentence: “Leyik struggled to lift his head, but…” That captures everything in that first phrase. Then no comma after the second “but.” Cut “what felt like.” (I also think the first description is stronger than the second.)
He started convulsing, moving his body in desperate attempt to flood his lungs with oxygen. Finally the reflex to breathe was too great to be controlled. He opened his mouth and sucked in water. A moment later a man with a shaved head pulled him out of the tank. A slap across Leyik's face accompanied his violent gasp for air.
That first sentence—change to “His body convulsed.” We know why a body underwater would convulse. Cut out “to be controlled.” Start a new paragraph with “A moment later…” Change “out of” to “from” (use as few words as possible).
Up until this point, we’ve not seen any kind of emotional response from the man in the tank, and so you should integrate one or two really interesting and evocative mental responses to the text. I think this is a great place to start, as long as you’re opening at least a miniature window into his mind.
A barrage of questions came before Leyik could clear the water from his lungs. "Who are you working for? What is your mission? What are you planning on doing with VANGUARD?"
Cut that first sentence.
I also don’t believe that this man would throw so many questions at Leyik—I don’t believe that a man who had just been in the process of drowning would be expected to follow and/or answer all of these questions. Start with the vanguard question.
To be continued . . .
What the hell is vanguard? "I don't know what you're talking about!" Leyik coughed. "What did you do with Mike?" The man threw Leyik to the ground. He wore a white lab coat that covered the length of his slender form. Thick-rimmed glasses rested on his pale, sunken face. The scientist walked across the room to switch on surgical lights above a medical table.
ReplyDeleteWouldn’t he cough before speaking? He would need to catch his breath and mitigate the effect of the shock, etc. I also think it would be more interesting to cut the first sentence and cut the first part of the dialogue and go straight to “What did you do with Mike?” We don’t know whether Leyik is involved and this raises tension.
I don’t buy the throwing to the ground part.
I don’t need the descriptions of what he’s wearing, especially from Leyik’s position on the floor. The one detail that would be effective is the surgical lights above the medical table. That speaks enough about something that may come.
Good opening overall—it just needs to be a bit more effective and evocative, a bit tenser. I need to sense the paranoia on the page.