TITLE: Set 'Em Up, Joe
GENRE: UF
Just me, a bottle of Oban, and Pamela the bartender. Hard to tell which was smoother. I’d just had Pamela, so I reached for the scotch. I poured a double, leaned back in my barstool and watched as she started to close down the place.
Kooper’s Tavern was my kind of bar—it served booze. The patrons were, for the most part, young, and when I tapped into their collective pulse I felt alive. Human, almost. The last of the crowd had trickled out an hour ago, but some of their energy lingered on. Not much, but enough to keep my exhaustion in check. Course, Pamela’s blood had also helped.
I raised my drink and took a sip; the hint of smoke and sea salt teased my tongue. I took a few more, letting the booze work to settle my senses.
My life, by necessity, takes many turns. The latest was to this place—Baltimore. I’d been engaged in a bit of—let’s call it freelancing—in the D.C. area, when I’d received a distress call from an old acquaintance of mine. A body had been found along the Inner Harbor. Murders are cheap to come by in a town this size, so there’s nothing newsworthy in another one. Unless the victim happens to be missing all its major organs, devoid of over ninety percent of its blood, and sans fingerprints or any identifying markers. That kind of mess always makes the headlines. It also calls for my involvement.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nice opening and love the description. I have a couple comments: Make sure and check for typo's. Kooper's Tarern (I assume that's what you meant) was my kind of place-it served booze. Doesn't a tavern by definition serve booze? Two sentences had me pause: My life, by necessity, takes many turns - not sure this makes sense. Also, Murders are cheap to come by ... - didn't sound right. Just my humble opinion. Overall, I think you have a good story beginning. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you! My fault on the typo. I had to type my entry in the body of the email to get it to go through. Clearly I was worried more about getting it in on time than on checking for errors! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the input!
Based on this excerpt, the story deals with a vampire private-eye who investigates paranormal crimes. I like that hook, and it's the kind of book I would probably read even though I don't normally like paranormal. The excerpt helps that, too.
ReplyDeleteA couple of thoughts:
"I'd just had Pamela" made me think he'd just had sex with Pamela. That may be what you intended(since you clarify it with the mention of her blood later on) but I thought I'd mention it just in case.
I agree that the typos were distracting, but that does happen to all of us and it's easy to fix.
"Trickled," is also spelled wrong - which was more distracting to me than the typos.
The use of "sans" in the description of the corpse was a rhythm-breaker for me. It didn't seen to fit with the narrator's style your narrator uses - almost like Bogart started channeling Cary Grant for a moment. I'd consider a different word there.
That said, I like the narrator's voice a lot, and as a fan of Bogart and the old black and white detective films of the '30s and '40s, I like that you seem to be bringing that style into a paranormal - it's a neat juxtaposition.
Love the idea of this story, and your writing style sucked me in. Love the second para (minus typo of Taver) "The patrons were, for the most part, young, and when I tapped into their collective pulse I felt alive. Human, almost." -- love this! My absolute favorite line, and the first hint of uh oh, not human? I do agree with another poster that you can take out 'it served booze' and get the same meaning with better flow.
ReplyDeleteNot understanding "murders are cheap to come by" line. That makes me falter. And 'missing' instead of 'sans' would flow better.
Other than those tiny things and the typos I assume aren't there in the original, I LOVE this! I love snarky humor, and this feels full of that.
I thought the writing was vague and tried way too hard to set the atmosphere/a unique voice, but didn't succeed. There's way too much needless thought that didn't do anything for me in the first few paragraphs. The hint at Pamela's blood didn't draw me in either, particularly since I thought they were intimate before. I would cut the first three paragraphs and start with the fourth. And even the fourth needs a bit of tightening in my opinion. I absolutely adore paranormal women's fiction with investigators, but this one didn't hook me and I wouldn't read on.
ReplyDeleteI really like this opening. It gives us a solid sense of the narrator's POV and personality. In this short space it sets up the premise nicely without being a huge info-dump.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the typos. As a fellow "contestant" this time around, I know how hard it was to have to re-type to get your entry in.
Seems to be a lot of telling here with little or no action.
ReplyDeleteSuggest starting with action, danger, conflict, crisis. Something vital at stake, and start in the middle of a scene.
Suggest starting with his view of the murder scene to draw readers in.
I really liked this and would definitely read further. And let me be the lone dissenting voice and say that i liked the "it served booze" line. It came across dry and humorous and felt like how your character might think (at least what we know of him so far.)
ReplyDeleteHm, I like the darkness of this - the cynical nature of the voice - it evokes a certain private eye/gumshoe type thing that makes it almost 1940s in nature. I like it alot.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
I'm with YA writer. I did think it was an info dump. Your MC sat on a barstool and explained the situation. Rather than explain, perhaps start with him at the murder scene and get right into the story immediately. All the back story will come out when it needs to.
ReplyDeleteI liked this- the writing and voice were well done though I must admit that I just kept thinking of Sookie instead of Pamela until you got to the murder investigator bit, that made me sit up and take more notice, though I never at any point before that felt bored.
ReplyDeleteNo offense to other opinions, but adult lit is different than YA. I read a lot of both and I don't think booze, sex with a paranormal twist and a grisly murder all in the first page would be considered as nothing going on in most adult books, but I don't read UF so I could be wrong for this genre.
I am intrigued, but I would've liked it to have started with more action, maybe at the crime scene or something. But as someone who lives in the Baltimore area, I'd love to read an urban fantasy based in my hometown!
ReplyDeleteI was completely put off by the sexual reference in the first sentence. I didn't read further.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice. However, I paused when he said he just had Pamela's blood. My take on that was that he had sex with her and also fed from her.
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence is too much telling for me, and I wondered if it would have been better if you opened the story there, showing us the dead body and why he was called.
I am curious about the murder and why he was called. I would read more
Don't get rid of the 'it serves booze' line. It's great and it gives us a good insight into your MC. I also really liked the 'Murders are cheap to come by' line. They both demonstrate a very unique voice.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, others are right in that there isn't much action here and there is a bit of an infodump at the end. If you actually visualise what is going on, your MC is sitting on a bar stool drinking while Pamela cleans up. Maybe the murder scene would be a better place to start. Or maybe you could start with your MC drinking in a bar in DC when he gets the calls about the murder?
I'd read on though because of the voice.
in my opinion forget the telling not showing nay-saying, but i'm not expert...
ReplyDeletethat said, this is like hard-boiled dectective meets urban fantasty vampire. i think the voice is terrific, that hard boiled stuff does a lot of telling and showing. this is not at all an info dump to me, and i was hooked and would keep reading.
Overall I liked it. :) "I'd just had Pamela, so I reached for the scotch" was a great line.
ReplyDeleteMost bars serve booze, though, don't they? Is this set in a future where other intoxicants are more popular and booze is an unusual choice?
"Murders are cheap to come by" read awkwardly to me. Do you mean that there was a lot of random crime, or that there are so many hitmen in Baltimore that the price of contracting a murder is lower than in other places?
I loved it and wanted more...
ReplyDeleteI loved the bits of humor,it served booze - didn't mind the fact that it switched from sex with Pamela to be blood - that was what made it different.
I'd read on.
I liked the first 3 paragraphs and they did a great job of luring me into the story. The 4th didn't work as well for me. The blurt of backstory, I suppose. It didn't blend somehow. I'd have preferred a segue from letting the booze settle his senses to steering his thoughts to why he'd come to Baltimore, a hollowed out cadaver with no fingerprints or identifying markers.
ReplyDeletePicky items in the first paragraphs: If the last of the crowd left an hour ago, why is Pamela just now starting to close up? "I raised my drink and took a sip" struck me as over-detailed. He'd have to raise it to sip unless he bent down and lapped from the glass. Maybe just "I sipped my scotch, letting the hint of smoke and sea salt tease my tongue."
I liked the "it served booze" line and the "I'd just had Pamela" lines too.
Sounds like a fun read.
Very helpful comments- thank you so much! Horror - could point about the segue. I did have a couple more lines in between those paragraphs, but deleted to get the most in as possible. I worked with an editor on my manuscript. We were torn between moving the "My life..." to the first paragraph and then going from there...or leaving as is. I'll do some more work on it.
ReplyDeleteAgain - very good to get the feedback. And good to know some readers like the "it served booze" and Pamela lines - that speaks to teh character's (Joe) humor and attitude. So I'll keep those lines as is.
More thoughts on the comments left...
ReplyDeleteI've read agent blogs, attended conferences, etc - and most agents seem to prefer a story that doesn't start with a dead body. I wonder if starting this at the point where Joe is standing over the body would work or not.
And someone mentioned this as women's fiction - it's not. I'm not sure if this falls under that category. It's adult urban fantasy or paranormal noir - but the main character is a male. Guess I need to research genres more...
Thanks again!
RE: title—interesting. There’s probably something clearer that could work as well or better, but it works for now.
ReplyDeleteAs for the text—
Just me, a bottle of Oban, and Pamela the bartender. Hard to tell which was smoother. I’d just had Pamela, so I reached for the scotch. I poured a double, leaned back in my barstool and watched as she started to close down the place.
Kooper’s Tavern was my kind of bar—it served booze. The patrons were, for the most part, young, and when I tapped into their collective pulse I felt alive. Human, almost. The last of the crowd had trickled out an hour ago, but some of their energy lingered on. Not much, but enough to keep my exhaustion in check. Course, Pamela’s blood had also helped.
I raised my drink and took a sip; the hint of smoke and sea salt teased my tongue. I took a few more, letting the booze work to settle my senses.
My life, by necessity, takes many turns. The latest was to this place—Baltimore. I’d been engaged in a bit of—let’s call it freelancing—in the D.C. area, when I’d received a distress call from an old acquaintance of mine. A body had been found along the Inner Harbor. Murders are cheap to come by in a town this size, so there’s nothing newsworthy in another one. Unless the victim happens to be missing all its major organs, devoid of over ninety percent of its blood, and sans fingerprints or any identifying markers. That kind of mess always makes the headlines. It also calls for my involvement.
I really like the voice here. I’m intrigued by different components of this—“My life, by necessity, takes many turns,” for example, and “when I tapped into their collective pulse I felt alive.” Urban fantasy for the win! Definitely.
But I think you’re starting in the wrong place (or, at the very least, not starting in the best place).
Agents don’t like dead bodies because most writers don’t add anything fresh to those scenes—that’s the challenge, but it’s definitely doable. Or move past all of this, move past the dead body to the moment that dead body starts to matter (for example, if this was a murder mystery, you could start with the scene in which your character finds the first clue that leads him to believe this isn’t going to be the typical murder case). The problem is that all of this is info that can be worked in later, and your goal in the first few pages—especially with urban fantasy/fantasy of any type—is to place us in the middle of the action and give us a sense of urgency. There are always exceptions, but as I’m reading this, I’m waiting for “it”—whatever it is that this novel is going to revolve around—to hit.
I think you have a great last sentence, so I would play with it and see if you could make it your first—“Some murders call for my involvement. The murders with victims who are missing all of their organs…” That’s not great, but you’re placing us into the story right off the bat.
I have really no specific comments about this excerpt as I think it’s very well written (I agree with the comment about picking up the drink to take a sip—obviously he picks it up; , which is why I most definitely would have kept reading, but when it comes to being hooked, I’m not just yet.
This is very helpful, especially the part about the opening. I'll work with your feedback, move opening lines and paragraphs around to see what might work. The more I think about starting with "Some murders call...", the more I like it. Something along those lines could work.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny because in the next two paragraphs, Joe (protag) states exactly why this murder is different - to him. Beyond the brutality of the murder, how this specific case is different (and why he's involved, etc).
I'll work on getting that in earlier.
I appreciate you taking the time to leave feedback on everyone's entry...it all helps!
I actually quite liked the double meaning in 'just had Pamela'. It's not like you led the reader on long or anything, but it's a play on words that I think says a lot about the MC.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is unquestionably solid and the MC establishes a voice very quickly. Now, this is just personal preference on my part, but I just don't like it when an MC breaks the forth wall by turning to the audience and saying "Oh, yeah, this is who I am and why I'm here". I know, it's very difficult to pull off exposition without doing it that way, and 99% of the people I know don't mind it one bit. I just, for some reason, hate it when a character basically addresses the audience directly. I'd prefer it if the MC's thoughts about his current task were realistically prompted by something.
That's just my opinion, though.