TITLE: INSOMNIA
GENRE: YA Supernatural Thriller
It'd been four years since I'd really slept and I suspected it was killing me. I could just imagine my obituary: Parker Daniel Chipp, a 16-year-old junior at Oakville High School, died of sleep deprivation. Or would it be listed as something lame like 'natural causes?' Either option was weak, but it wasn't like I had a choice.
While most people got to rest, enjoying their own dreams, fantasies--even nightmares--I had to stand on the sideline. Being a watcher sucked, especially when everyone else was a dreamer.
The worst part was, once you caught my eye, I couldn't get free. No matter how much I wanted to escape, I was stuck with you for the night.
Like last month when I left the Oakville City Library and made one of my biggest mistakes--meeting the eyes of the library's janitor, James Albert Flint. It only took a week for the police to arrest him. I would've helped them, but they'd never believe some punk kid had witnessed Mr. Flint murder his wife in a dream. He might be behind bars, but I couldn't escape the images he left me with.
Watching the dreams of strangers was always a risk. But it was so late, and I was so tired--finding someone else to make eye contact with before going to sleep seemed like more work than it was worth. Besides, the old geezer probably had nice, boring dreams.
The instant his dream began I knew I'd been dead wrong.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Like the setup, like the voice - this is an intriguing and awful power for anyone, especially a teenager, to have. I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDeleteI like that you've taken the dream cliche and given it a unique twist. Very interesting. I'd read on!
ReplyDeleteThis is a really interesting concept and the voice is strong. There are only two things I see that might hold this back. 1. The title's been used before 2. You start with a lot of backstory about how he's a watcher, and that left me with the impression that he doesn't want to make eye contact with anyone. However, in the second to last paragraph, you make it seem like he wants to make eye contact with someone. I can't really reconcile that to fully understand his power. Does he sleep when he's in someone else's dreams? Is that why he makes eye contact with the geezer instead of making eye contact with no one? And if he does get to rest when he makes eye contact, then the opening about sleep deprivation is...off. Also, we're not in the scene where he makes eye contact with the old geezer, so that came as kind of a shock to me. Like, this character must be somewhere in the physical world, but I'm not given any of those details. I'm not in a scene, I'm just being fed his backstory and then jumping into a dream. It leaves me wondering if this wouldn't be more interesting if you showed us the geezer, showed us them making eye contact, and then pulled us into the dream in an active manner. It lets the backstory about not sleeping or having his own dreams unfold on its own that way. Just a thought.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot until the end, when I got confused about whether the 'old geezer' was the janitor or someone else. And as k.Cooper mentioned, I'm also left unsure whether he wants/doesn't want/has to make eye contact with people.
ReplyDeleteBut I think if you just tightened it up and clarified it a bit more this could be great - I'd still definitely read on.
Good, but oh, how do you avoid comparisons to Lisa McMann's books? I'd keep reading, but this has to be done very well to make it work.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued by this and want to know more. The last paragraph had me confused because I didn't know if mc was still talking about Mr. Flint or a new character that he was currently watching.
ReplyDeleteAlso, does he need to make eye contact to fall asleep? What happens if he doesn't? I would keep reading to see if my questions are answered. I love the first sentence and "Being a watcher sucked, especially when everyone else was a dreamer."
I like this. A lot. I like Parker's voice. He was an interesting fella in the beginning and by the end he was REALLY interesting. Good maintenance of intrigue while still maintaining a typical teen voice. Good job! :D
ReplyDeleteI love the line, "Or would it be listed as something lame like 'natural causes?'"
I really like the concept here and would keep reading, but I too was confused as to whether the "geezer" was the janitor or someone new. Also, I'm not entirely sure if I'm understanding how Parker's power works. He can't sleep unless he participates in someone else's dreams? Could that be clarified a bit?
ReplyDeleteGreat concept, hopefully you have read the Wake trilogy by Lisa McMann.
ReplyDeleteI think a more effective beginning would be having a scene where he looks at someone and experiences whatever it is he experiences when he is watching their dreams. That way the reader gets to see what happens to him, and the effects of his ability instead of being told about it.
Good luck!
I haven't read any of the other books people have listed, so the premise sounded original enough to me (my first thought was of The Machinist). Granted, I don't really care so much about premises as I do about writing, and I like the style and the voice here.
ReplyDeleteThings that do stop me:
1. The first sentence misrepresents what's going on. He does sleep, if I understand correctly, just in other people's dreams. If he knows he's a watcher, then he should also know that his non-normal sleep is normal for him.
2. The description of the janitor's dream makes it sound as though all dreams in the MC's world are literal. I feel like that's a common fallacy and an easy translation of dreams used mostly by TV shows and movies. Granted, I'm saying this because my dreams are, well, never literal representations of either my thoughts or what has gone on in my life.
All that being said, I would definitely read on.
I wanted to add one other thing that's been nagging me about this story... In an average day, we make eye contact with a lot of people. So, if all it takes is eye contact to pull Parker into a dream, he'd be pulled into several in one night. If he's already tired, he would have already looked someone in the eye for the day and could just go to sleep...instead of purposely making eye contact with the old geezer. Is it the last person he makes eye contact with before he goes to bed, then? Technically, then, he'd either have to fall asleep and right into the dream the second he makes eye contact with the geezer (in public), or the last person he'd make contact with would be his parents (if he went home first). And if that's the case, that implies that he has to fall asleep, but your opening says he doesn't sleep...and basically I'm getting all muddled in what's a very confusing concept. Interesting, but I see the potential for a ton of plot holes. Clarify his power up front. Does he sleep? Even dreamless sleep is sleep... And what about the eye contact pulls him into the dreams of this old geezer and not the dreams of the many people he's been around during the day? Without that...I don't think I'd read on. But maybe looking at it from that perspective will help you refocus the opening. Also, I'd really go for an active scene. Parker sitting in the physical world, him making eye contact, and then him going to sleep and finding himself in this old man's dreams (or however it works). An active scene showing us the powers can clarify a lot better than you telling us his powers (which is what this opening does right now). Hope this helps. I came back for a second comment, so you know I'm interested, but I'm not hooked right now.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the feedback and comments everyone. Keep in mind, this is just the first 250 words...I think most of your questions would be addressed within the next page or 2 of the manuscript.
ReplyDeleteYes, it's the last person he makes eye contact with before going to bed for the night. No, it's usually not his parents (not home much). If he didn't make eye contact with anyone, all day (a difficult task, but he's tried it) he would see the dreams of the last person he made eye contact with the previous day. No, he doesn't actually sleep--or to be more accurate, his brain doesn't. He compares it to being forced to stay awake and watch t.v. all night long, every night. His brain never enters the deeper levels of sleep or R.E.M. sleep.
I hope this answers some of your questions. I'll ponder ways to introduce more info earlier, but it is a lot of information to take in at once (at least in the first 250). But you've brought up some excellent points. Thanks all!!
I read this just before your explanation appeared, and while the explanation helps, the fact that you needed to give one indicates this opening isn't doing what it should.
ReplyDeleteThe problem, I think, is that you're trying to explain his power. As you said, it's too complicated to explain in 250 words. So don't explain it. Cut the whole opening. STart with him wherever he is when he sees the old geezer. Have them make eye contact, then show whatever happens when your MC makes eye contact with people. The reader sees it, gets a feel for it and understands a bit of it before you ever explain. Then you can explain a bit in a slower scene later on, and showing the connection to the geezer and what your MC sees will be much more interesting than what you have here now.
It's a great concept, but it needs work.
But I think you would get at least a few of those answers if you read the book jacket. Which I always do when I'm considering something. So you would probably go into the novel with some idea of what it's about, and having certain expectations. I think the fact that you don't understand all the rules of his ability (or curse) in the first 250 words is totally fine. It would be a lot to fit in, and I'm sure you would find out more about it in the next few pages. I would definitely keep reading just to figure out how his strange powers worked - for me, that's part of the hook.
ReplyDeleteI keep coming back because I so want this to work...but I think Barbara nailed it on the head when she said the fact that you need an explanation shows the opening isn't doing what it should. (And you can't rely on back cover copy, because the copy writer won't necessarily explain everything). Pretty much every one of the writers here (myself included, although I'm not in this contest...still finishing up the WIP) could say that "if you read 2 pages more or 5 pages more, you'd get it." Problem is, the point isn't making the reader *get* it in the first few pages, it's *hooking* them with a scene. You don't want to start a book with something that raises so many questions on page 1. It makes the book hard to parse. You want them asking *just enough* questions so they want to see what happens. Happens means action that shows, not more explanation that tells. And, quite frankly, since your last sentence leads us into the dream, I'd hope pages 2 and 3 are more about what he sees than what his powers are, so I wouldn't count on finding answers there...I'd expect the weird dream to raise more questions.
ReplyDeleteBest recommendation I can give, as I said before: start with the scene where he's choosing to look the old geezer in the eye. The fact that he's choosing whose dreams he's delving into will raise enough questions on its own without the insomnia and the diversion of the janitor. Just feed us the info that he chose the old man because he's "safe" and then jump into the bad dream. You can show us how tired he is from the lack of real sleep and delve into an explanation after he wakes up, when presumably he'll have to figure out what to do with the information he gains from the dream. Draw out the explanation. Get the powers in there in small units that raise the questions you want the reader to have. Don't try to load it all up front. If I saw him picking the old geezer for his dreams, I'd wonder what his powers were. That's only 1 question, rather than leaving me with questions about insomnia and Mr. Flint and how his powers worked. I'd be shown how his powers worked. He picked a geezer; didn't look anyone else in the eye; went into the geezer's dreams. Instantly, I infer that he delves into the dreams of the last person he sees, no explanation necessary. This is why show vs. tell is so powerful. If you can pull that off, I have a feeling this concept will sell!
I don't think the point is understanding every "rule" of his ability in the first page. I think the question is, are you hooked? Are you wondering how his ability works? Do you want to read on? I want to read on. I'm hooked. You've done your job.
ReplyDeleteThere's no point saying 'I'll explain more on the next 2 or 3 pages' because if I'm a reader in a bookshop I'm not going to get past the first page if I find it confusing. I really like this, but you need to clarify more.
ReplyDeleteyes, this is great.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hooked
Hey, Secret Agent here! Great premise! Good voice, too. I would hate to be Parker. My one comment: you don’t directly ground us in the present moment, so I was jarred when you started talking about some geezer so quickly after talking about the janitor.
ReplyDeleteLike this idea a great deal... don't know why but I'm stumbling over the tense usage in the third para... feels a little passive to me. I know you're staying in past and that's cool... but it feels like it would be more intimate with the reader to be in present? Or rather than breaking that fourth wall and talking directly to the reader: once I catch a victim's eye? Not right, but you get the idea...
ReplyDeleteI like how he craves sleep and dreams of others but is afraid of it too... though there is some confusion... as pointed out by others, perhaps knowing the juxtaposition of needing and fearing should come up in the beginning...
I don't have too much to add to this discussion. I agree with others that this is an interesting premise, but I was really confused by this opening. I agree with the comments that you should start by showing us a scene where he meets someone's eye and gets sucked into a dream. By starting with backstory, the opening is confusing. Plus, it sounds like you're starting after the inciting incident, which is witnessing the murder.
ReplyDelete