TITLE: The Political Princess
GENRE: Young Adult
Sydney Fischer stunned her best friend when she boldly stated that she was giving up on boys. No, girls weren't an option either, but boys were downright irritating.
Mainly Conner Samuels.
She loathed Conner Samuels. Just enough that she was probably in love, which was the worst feeling of all. Sometimes the line between love and loathing was very thin, if not non-existent.
Either way, she was pretty sure she loathed Conner. Which was a surprise since for years he was her main crush, the boy she would change her entire schedule around just to pass by him in the hall between second and third periods. And let's be honest, between fourth and fifth, fifth and sixth and so on. She had always gone out of her way to see him flash his pearly white smile as he said hello to her, even if it was for a brief second. It was his smile and his hello saturated with sexiness that sent her heart rate into a tizzy and made life worth living.
Until this morning. When she showed up at his locker.
Her.
Thelma Mitchel.
And she kissed him. With tongue.
And he kissed her back.
That's why she loathed Conner Samuels.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think this is very cute. I like the voice a lot. Great job. Can't wait to see how Sydney handles this situation.
ReplyDeleteGood strong voice.
ReplyDeleteReads more like Chiclit than YA, though.
Love the voice too! I'm certainly wondering where this story is going, and why he is such a bad kisser. :)
ReplyDeleteI really liked this! I wanted to go ugh! for Sydney when she described the kiss. Very cute!
ReplyDeleteToo much on and on in the beginning, but a punchy closing. Here's what I think would work:
ReplyDeleteSydney Fischer loathed Conner Samuels. Which was a surprise since for years he was her main crush, the boy she would change her entire schedule around just to pass by him in the hall. She had always gone out of her way to see him flash his pearly white smile as he said hello to her, even if it was for a brief second. It was his smile and his hello that sent her heart rate into a tizzy and made life worth living.
Until this morning. When she showed up at his locker.
Her.
Thelma Mitchel.
And she kissed him. With tongue.
And he kissed her back.
That's why she loathed Conner Samuels.
I like the voice--it's very tart and moves along nicely and gives me some insight to the MC. I think what threw me the most is--well, you make it sound like she's not WITH Conner, and yet since he kissed someone else, she now loathes him. I'm not making the leap here. Loathe would be appropriate for a cheating boyfriend, or even an ex, but I don't know about a cruch.
ReplyDeleteThe entire piece is telling. Nothing happened. Not even the kiss, because we're told about it after the fact.
ReplyDeletePerhaps start with walking down the hall with her best friend and use some dialogue. She can go on and on about Conner. Then they reach his locker and there 'she' is. And she sees the kiss, and we see the kiss because we're in her immediate POV, and then we see her reaction to the kiss. All much more interesting than hearing about it second hand.
You've got an interesting character with an interesting voice, as well as an inciting incident. Use them to your best advantage. Give us some dialogue, action and reaction, rather than telling us what happened.
This voice is great but I agree with Sara. You need to get to the action a little bit faster.
ReplyDeleteToo much telling for me. I'd rather see Sydney watch Conner's locker and see Thelma Mitchel show up to kiss him, hear her state that she's giving up boys, see her best friend's shock, etc.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if we've just read that the line between love and loathing is very thin, why is it weird for Sydney to loathe her crush?
This reminds me of You Wish by Mandy Hubbard.
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice, too. It sounds very believable.
I like the voice, too, and I would keep reading at least until the next page. This reads like a prologue, and though the lack of visible action doesn't bother me, I want to be put into the scene (as opposed to into Sydney's mind) really soon.
ReplyDeleteAs opposed to what some of the above comments say, I'd say that telling isn't always bad. In this case, it really gives you a chance to shine with the narrative voice.
My main question is about the conflict. The title seems to imply that Sydney will get her revenge on Conner through high school politics. If that's the main drive of the plot, I'd try to work that in as soon as possible, in the first or second paragraph. (For example, Sydney gives up on relationships, and so decides to become class president instead. To, I don't know, abolish school dances. Hopefully, you see what I mean.)
I enjoy reading about early loves and the heartaches that go with relationships at that age but for some reason I don't empathize with Sydney. Seems like the others who have commented before I did like the character so I am probably in the minority.
ReplyDeletePerhaps I am reacting to the one-line paragraphs. Sometimes the rhythm created by this technique can work well. Here it just seems overdone. Again, just my opinion.
I do like the description about love and loathing.
Although the intro has some nice writing and good voice, it's all telling and backstory. On one hand, I get why you need that backstory in order to get to the surprising kiss, but on the other hand... it didn't grab me much. It doesn't get interesting until the sudden kiss.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah -- I'd definitely give it a bit more! The voice pulled me in.
I like this a lot and did not mind that it was all telling. The voice made it fun and easy to read and I have confidence that the action will be starting soon. My only comment is that I found the one line paragraphs to be very confusing. At first I thought Sydney was kissing Conner for some reason. I had to read them about three times before I worked it out.
ReplyDeleteHey, Secret Agent here! You’ve got good clean voice going on, and it’s fun. This is ALL telling, though! Can we see them in scene together to convey some of this push/pull dynamic?
ReplyDelete