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Thursday, February 24, 2011

Are You Hooked? #11

TITLE: KNIGHT'S PROMISE
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

Chalice's curse ended because her murderous gargoyle Shui is dead, but it was Aydin, the man she loves, who saved her life. He became a gargoyle himself just to do it. Now Chalice promises she will do whatever it takes to make him human again.

"You're coming with me, right?" I asked Rafe when he opened the silver veil.

He towered over me and scowled. "No."

A man of very few words. Well, not actually a man. Rafael was my guardian angel and a very grumpy one.

I leaned forward to peer through the filmy curtain that separated the physical world from the realm of angels. "I'm not ready to go there alone. It's too soon."

"Chalice, it's been over a month." Rafe closed his eyes and sighed so deeply I thought he'd collapse a lung if he had one. "But if that's what you want..." He held his palm flat against the transparent veil and the sigil on his hand glowed with his will. The surface began to solidify.

I grabbed his arm. "Wait."

His sigh came even louder this time. "Make up your mind."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You have no idea how hard this is for me."

The deep creases in his forehead smoothed as his eyes crinkled with the start of a smile. It made him appear almost human. "I can imagine."

"No, you can't." I sucked in a breath. "I can't face another monster."

"Then don't face it. Just kill it." Rafe's hand stayed in place against the veil, but he didn't reopen it. He waited for my okay. Rafe may not have much of a personality, but at least he was obedient. And extremely protective.
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11 comments:

  1. Holly BodgerFebruary 24, 2011 at 1:40 PM

    The logline completely lost me, but the excerpt did not. I thought it was well-written and liked everything except, "Rafael was my guardian angel and a very grumpy one." This line is talking TO the reader. This would read better if it was written from the MC's head instead.

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  2. PeterFebruary 24, 2011 at 2:33 PM

    I think I'd keep reading, but mostly because the story sounds interesting. I'm a little lost with what exactly Rafe is doing, especially since I thought he had a personality and then read that he doesn't have one. It was a little disconcerting there. Nor did he come across as 'obedient.' Maybe that's just me. I enjoyed the excerpt though.

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  3. texcatFebruary 24, 2011 at 3:01 PM

    Intriguing enough opening to get me to read on. And the logline is interesting in a what the—? way. I'm not sure I got a sense of connection between the two, though, and I think I want one.

    Otherwise, I like the rhythm and flow of your writing/voice. Good job!

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  4. scriptoblamFebruary 24, 2011 at 3:08 PM

    I like this excerpt. I enjoy the narrator's voice. That said, the logline left me completely confused - I don't know what is happening with the gargoyles. Also, I'm left wondering about the age of the narrator. The way she interacts with Rafe makes her seem pretty young, but the logline states that she's in love with a man.

    I'd read on - I want to know more about this mysterious veil and the realm beyond it.

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  5. RW RichardFebruary 24, 2011 at 3:33 PM

    I didn't realize gargoyles were so popular. This is the second one I've read so far in this group of twenty. It's an interesting concept.

    You drew me in with the hesitant Chalise looking out thru the filmy curtain etc. nice setting and characterization. I also liked your descriptive tewchnique throughout the piece.

    Hooked.

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  6. MaggieFebruary 24, 2011 at 3:36 PM

    Being a fantasy fan, I'm drawn to this and definitely hooked. I'm liking the guardian angel concept, and your voice.

    I'm curious what's on the other side of the veil.

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  7. Alice LoweeceyFebruary 24, 2011 at 6:40 PM

    I liked the comment that Rafe's sigh would've caused him to collapse a ling, if he had one. Good subtle humor. I'm always a sucker for an angel story, too. I agree that to say Rafe's grumpy and then say he has no personality needs a tweak, especially on the opening page.

    Overall, I'd keep reading--but because of Rafe. I want to see more of Chalice. Right now she's taking a back seat to him.

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  8. AnonymousFebruary 24, 2011 at 9:26 PM

    I too was lost in the logline, but the writing snagged me. Definitely hooked. I like the snappy back-and-forth that comes through with the main character's voice. The humour is coming through, and it reminded me of the Max Ride character by Patterson (Hey! Another winged creature series!) and Jonathan Stroud's Amulet of Samarkand. I'd definitely read more.

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  9. rheaFebruary 24, 2011 at 11:41 PM

    I really love the premise.

    The only thing that I tripped over was that Rafe "may not have much of a personlity." I liked him and thought he had a great personality.

    Hooked!

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  10. AnonymousFebruary 25, 2011 at 12:22 AM

    Thanks, everyone, for your very helpful comments! :) Yes, I'm the first to admit my logline sucks and I haven't really worked it through yet. When the book is finished I promise I'll fix it. This is the sequel to my book that sold and I'm only a third of the way in. Lots of work ahead. I appreciate everyone's input, you've all been a big help. Thanks again!

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  11. KelseyFebruary 27, 2011 at 9:41 AM

    I'm intrigued. I do feel like I've missed something - like there was a book before this - but that's my only complaint. I enjoyed the writing and I already like your characters.

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