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Thursday, February 24, 2011

Are You Hooked? #16

TITLE: Summer Camp Diaries
GENRE: Humorous Chicklit YA

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single girl working at a summer camp must be in search of a boyfriend.


- Jane Austen (sort of)

Girls who have very large boobs should not try to swim to the bottom of a lake for any reason. We have to work ten times as hard as the walking toothpick girls with boy boobs, and when that whole anti-gravity thing takes over, we might as well be treading water upside-down.

So why was I doing it? Good question. The fact that it was only about sixty-five degrees in the water should have given me a legitimate reason for taking my "girls" (or should I say, my "buoys?") and heading for dry land. Still, the fifteen or so yummy-looking guys diving around me were a pretty good reason for staying put. They were busy demonstrating their manliness as they flipped their sleek-abbed torsos in the water like over-animated seals. (Assuming seals can be over-animated. They are, after all, seals.)

Unfortunately, I couldn't use the hot sealboys as my excuse... or not directly, anyway. You see, the sad truth of the matter is, I was submerged in the freezing waters of Deer Lake in June because I didn't want to show everyone my very chilly nipples standing at attention. Yes, that's right. Having perky nipples is rarely a good thing when you're sixteen and more than a little stacked. Parading them in front of a dozen newly introduced, hot male acquaintances is even more horrifying.
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22 comments:

  1. TammyFebruary 24, 2011 at 10:23 AM

    Ha, this brings back memories of when I was a teen. Well written, funny & I would like to read more. Hooked ;-)

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  2. Amy Sue NathanFebruary 24, 2011 at 11:58 AM

    Hooked! And, my daughter is a teenager - I think she'd like this.

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  3. Jamie BlairFebruary 24, 2011 at 12:01 PM

    I love the Jane Austen (sort of) LOL. Good voice and I think all females can identify with her problem - even us with the boy boobs. ;)

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  4. helgorFebruary 24, 2011 at 12:08 PM

    Memories...of summer camp--not big boobs (sadly).

    This is so much fun! Your main character is instantly identifiable and the set-up is great.

    Hooked!

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  5. Tere KirklandFebruary 24, 2011 at 12:10 PM

    Oh, dear! I can understand the situation, and the voice is great, but can't she just cross her arms over them? ;) The buoys joke felt a little adult to me, but I could be wrong.

    I'd read on.

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  6. Holly BodgerFebruary 24, 2011 at 12:14 PM

    I like this but I'm not sure about the opening line. I used an almost identical opening line in a book I wrote a year and a half ago and a lot of people told me to kill it because it had been done too many times.

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  7. RW RichardFebruary 24, 2011 at 12:41 PM

    I wouldn't change a word. I love your cheeky sense of humor. I think you nailed your sub-genre YA, voice, description, everything. Best of luck. This couldn't have been funnier.

    Very hooked.

    p.s. when I was a YA boy I had no preference for size of boobs. I liked them all from overabundant to nearly zilch. I later (in my early wife hunting twenties) focused on my ideal woman. Someone with a figure (and zany personality) like Audrey Hepburn (or Sandra Bullock/ Meg Ryan).

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  8. FunnyGirlFebruary 24, 2011 at 1:18 PM

    Love it! Hooked.

    Only one nitpick:

    "We have to work ten times as hard as the walking toothpick girls with boy boobs,"

    I'd take off "with boy boobs." We get the idea with "walking toothpick" and I think the boy boobs detracts from the "buoy" joke later on. Your comedy is very nice. Less is more. If you've already made the joke, there's no need to beat us over the head with it. Good luck!

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  9. Vicki TremperFebruary 24, 2011 at 1:23 PM

    Oh my. I can sort of relate to this now (pregnancy and nursing do unattractive things to even boy boobs), but wouldn't have been able to as a teen. But I love her voice, I liked the Jane Austen comment at the top, and I would read on.

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  10. JanineFebruary 24, 2011 at 2:09 PM

    This was awesome. I love her voice and I can totally relate to the situation...nice!

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  11. Tatum FlynnFebruary 24, 2011 at 2:34 PM

    Love the voice, the bit about animated seals made me laugh. But I think that Austen quote has been massively done to death.

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  12. scriptoblamFebruary 24, 2011 at 4:11 PM

    Agree about the Austen quote. The voice seems older than YA to me, as do many of the jokes - it seems more (in voice and style) like an adult woman writing about her teenage experience than it does an authentic YA narrator.

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  13. rheaFebruary 24, 2011 at 4:12 PM

    Love the voice. I agree with FunnyGirl about taking out "with boy boobs."

    Her going in the cold lake because of the boys made sense, but because of her nipples didn't. After all, being wet and cold would show off her breasts even more when she leaves the water.

    I would read more. This sounds fun.

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  14. SciFreyFebruary 24, 2011 at 4:16 PM

    100% hooked - loved the voice, loved that she's witty and good with wordplay ("bouys"!), and totally reminds me of when I was a camp councillor.

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  15. Sharon K. MayhewFebruary 24, 2011 at 4:39 PM

    Great teen internal voice! Very funny. I'd read on for sure. :)

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  16. Write LifeFebruary 24, 2011 at 7:29 PM

    Reading the comments, I found it interesting that some commented on the voice sounding too old and others said 'bang on'.
    Am I wrong, but the voice for YA doesn't always have to be a fifteen year old and the difference between fifteen to seventeen and again to nineteen is quite marked. Boy, would I love thoughts on this,
    especially if you're aiming for crossover.
    For what's it worth, I liked her voice. I got a feel for her right off and would enjoy reading more. It certainly seemed like a bit of fun.

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  17. PCBFebruary 24, 2011 at 7:56 PM

    I enjoyed this because your character is opinionated and funny. But, careful not to alienate potential young readers with "boy boobs" - esp. as this is YA.

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  18. AnonymousFebruary 24, 2011 at 8:29 PM

    Thanks so much, all, for your insightful comments, and for the general overall support. I had an editor friend read it and ask if real teens actually say "boobs" anymore? Thoughts?

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  19. RW RichardFebruary 24, 2011 at 9:55 PM

    Regarding joking: don't teenagers tend to go over and over things in their head, as they create themselves, validate themselves. So wouldn't using the boy boobs comment twice be very YA?? I found your narrator very believable and my daughters have used the word boobs in various ways quite often (but they're in their early thirties now).

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  20. Jodi MeadowsFebruary 25, 2011 at 1:48 PM

    LOL! More please.

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  21. Sara J. HenryFebruary 25, 2011 at 7:07 PM

    This is absolutely ridiculous and I should have hated it - but I didn't. I liked it. (Okay, except for "yummy-looking.") Way to rock the genre and turn it ass over tea kettle. I'd keep reading.

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  22. AFebruary 25, 2011 at 9:52 PM

    Great scene to open on-- I would be a little more sparing with your use of parentheses, though. It's a wonderful addiction to have, but if you overuse it then no one will take the parans seriously anymore.

    I'd say I was hooked. It's actually a really nice change having an MC that comfortable with their body.

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