TITLE: Hannah's Half
GENRE: YA
The boy sitting on my bedroom floor couldn't have been more than four or five years old. The cowlick in the back of his corn-husk blond hair needed taming. He sat cross-legged and with dirty bare feet, holding a half-deflated red balloon.
"You got a name, kid?"
I rarely asked questions anymore because the Visitors never speak. I mean never. I've been seeing dead people for as long as I can remember and it's always the same routine. Stare with haunted eyes, linger in the room, then disappear.
"Come on. Give me a break." I sighed and pushed back my comforter. I had on a tee shirt and panties but I'd gotten over being shy in front of the dead a long time ago. If they were going to invade my space, then they'd have to deal, too.
The sweet, burned smell of kettle corn filled my nose and carnival music played in my head. In strobe-like flashes, I saw the little boy walking hand in hand with an older man in dusty overalls and a crooked John Deere cap. The man handed the boy a cardboard cone wrapped with mounds of pink cotton candy.
"I don't have time for this. I'm going to be late for school," I said.
The boy continued to stare. I didn't want to be shown how he died or if the older man had something to do it. The whole routine was getting super old and I'd give anything to have a dead-free day.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this. The imagery in the paragraph beginning "the sweet, burned smell" is great, and this opening scene leaves the reader with a lot of questions. I love "I'd give anything to have a dead-free day." Nice job.
ReplyDeleteinteresting premise, but how is this day any different than any other day? (inciting incident) You could make some hint of change on the first 250. I'd read on to find out. Agents have little time and m,any novel writing treatises recommmend getting the thing that changes the heroine's life forever on the first page. Check out Hooked by Edgerton. It's great.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple pickies change: 'deal too' to 'deal with it too' or something like that. And change 'do it' to 'do with it' It's hard when you chop down to 250 words.
I'd read on a while to see if life changes for our heroine. Maybe the boy will ask her if she likes cotton candy.
I liked it. The MC has a great voice. You've set a tone and mood, and I would read on, but I do agree with Locksley. As strange as the situation is, it's run of the mill for her. WHat makes this dead boy different from the rest? Why are we starting with him, as opposed to some other dead person?
ReplyDeleteOther than that, it's done really well.
I enjoyed this submit.
ReplyDeleteFor a plot that has potential to have been done before (the whole 6th Sense vibe), I felt like there was a fresh perspective to your MC's voice here.
Only thing I'd say, is make one minor correction to the last paragraph:
"I didn't want to be shown how he died or if the older man had something to do WITH it." (add the "with").
Other than that, solid read and I'd read on to see what your MC does with the latest dead boy in her room.
I really liked the premise, and was curious to read on to see how it was not like 6th Sense and other "i see dead people" type of movies.
ReplyDeleteMy one complaint..and yes it's nitpicky...is that all the sentences are structured the same. Noun, verb, noun verb. Spice it up a bit, and I think the opening would flow a lot better and really shine.
I love the voice here; how bored she is by the whole dead people showing up thing. I'd too would like an inciting incident, but we didn't have many words to work with here. I suspect (hope) that the kid's going to pipe up and talk (unlike all the others she just described) and that's going to launch the story. Am I right???
ReplyDeleteI am definitely intrigued and want to hear more. Like some of the others said before me, I like that she is bored with seeing dead people, and agree that the line "I'd give anything to have a dead-free day" is really compelling!
ReplyDeleteA couple things:
* The boy's balloon is half "deflated" instead of half "inflated" -- does this give us clues to the boy's character later? Though dead, is his spirit withering away (deflating) or is there still some life in him yet (inflating).
* I like that the first way we know the main character is a girl (other than the title) is that she's wearing panties when she climbs out of bed. It's a subtle characterization that hits the point.
* I tripped up on the phrase "they'd have to deal too." My first reaction was that maybe some of the Visitors might actually want to see a girl in her underwear! Consider a phrase that means something more along the lines of "they'd have to take me as I am" or "they'd have to put aside their modesty."
Great job!
I love it.
ReplyDeleteThings that might spice it up a bit -- I think you give a lot away in the first paragraph. For example, what if you didn't tell us he was dead, or that she sees dead people, until that great 'I'd give anything for a dead-free day' line?
Beginning with a description of the child slows your terrific start a bit. Could your first line be 'You got a name kid?'
So, just rearranging a bit:
"You got a name kid?"
The boy sitting on my bedroom floor couldn't have been more than four or five years old. The cowlick in the back of his corn-husk blond hair needed taming. As he sat cross-legged, holding a half-deflated red balloon, I could see that the bottoms of his feet were dirty.
He didn't reply.
The sweet, burned smell of kettle corn filled my nose and carnival music played in my head. In strobe-like flashes, I saw the little boy walking hand in hand with an older man in dusty overalls and a crooked John Deere cap. The man handed the boy a cardboard cone wrapped with mounds of pink cotton candy.
The boy continued to stare at me mutely.
"I don't have time for this. I'm going to be late for school," I said, pushing back the comforter and climbing out of bed.
This whole routine was getting super old. I'd give anything to have a dead-free day.
But I have to say, I love this either way. I want to read on.
Her boredom with seeing dead people comes across perhaps a bit too strongly - but would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI found this very compelling.
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph was a little over explanatory. Would prefer to start with dialogue as stated above.
Yet overall I felt this was a truly intriguing piece and I want to read on.
"I'd give anything to have a dead free day."
ReplyDeleteLove this line - and it would be a wonderful first line hook. Then, as others have mentioned before, go into what will now change for your MC. Is this boy going to change her typical encounters with the dead? How? What makes him different that he deserves first page introduction?
Loved the last line as well. Strong voice, interesting premise (even though I at first thought, 6th sense). I want to read on.
ReplyDeleteI agreed w/Jenni's comments (deflated vs. inflated).
This little boy at that carnival w/the man paragraph is SO strong. Feels like I'm there and terrified for the kid. Nicely done.