TITLE: THE CHOSEN
GENRE: Young Adult
The honour of your presence is highly requested this evening. 6:00PM.
Those were the only words in scrolling jet black calligraphy that crossed the formal white parchment of the invitation.
I rubbed my thumb across the ink and felt the fine linen texture of the paper between my fingers, then flipped the envelope back over and re-read the front. Miss Blakely G. Sullivan was printed in the same elaborate lettering - leaving no doubt this was for me and not my roommate, Amie.
I set the invitation and envelope down and turned towards the black garment bag that now hung from the door of my closet. It was one thing to see the white letter from the corner of my eye as it skirted across the floor from under my front door. But the fact it was followed by a quick knock - and when I opened the door and found only the black garment bag and not a soul in my hallway - well...
Head cocked sideways with my hands on my hips, I drummed my fingers as I stared at the long, black bag that looked as if it could contain a body - but weighed almost nothing - so I already knew that couldn't be true.
I slowly unzipped the bag - not at all expecting the mass of white feathers that spilled out around me.
Crap. It could've been the dead remains of a million geese, for all I knew.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I’m really intrigued with what is happening here. I like the idea of an invitation and a black bag filled with... well it could be more than just feathers. I think that you could improve what you’ve got with making some cuts and tightening the piece. “Head cocked sideways” is repetitive. Cut the “sideways” and make a few other changes and you’ve got an opening that would keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteThis is an intriguing beginning, but was marred for me by a few odd word choices (and a few that are just wrong).
ReplyDeletein scrolling jet black calligraphy that crossed the formal white parchment of the invitation.
The word 'scrolling' here is wrong. Maybe 'sprawling' calligraphy that scrolled across the page.
as it skirted across the floor from under my front door
I think you mean it 'skittered', not 'skirted'.
But I'm interested in what the feathers may mean.
The description you use for the invitation is well written. You painted a very clear picture.
ReplyDeleteThese two sentences are chunky in my opinion. As a reader I got lost in the words, more so the second sentence.
It was one thing to see the white letter from the corner of my eye as it skirted across the floor from under my front door. But the fact it was followed by a quick knock - and when I opened the door and found only the black garment bag and not a soul in my hallway - well...
I'd read more to find out what the dress is for.
I'm intrigued by this-- a mysterious invitation and a bag full of feathers? Hooked! Plus, the last line shows off the protagonist's sense of humor--double hooked :)
ReplyDeleteHooked! And I adore the last sentence :D
ReplyDeleteI do think it would be worth reading this out loud, just to sort out the flow of the writing. Get rid of the unnecessary words and you have a great opening :)
I liked it and I'd read more, but you might consider showing the letter arrive instead of telling us about it. Start with her seeing the letter slip under the door and hearing the knock, going out and getting the bag. It'll make this even stronger, I think.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Barbara. Starting with the letter's arrival would create a lot more action. As the story begins now, the most interesting part is the recounting of the arrival of the letter, but that's backstory at this point in the story. There doesn't seem to be any reason why the story couldn't start earlier (of course, I'm basing that on only the first 250 words). Plus, for me the transition from the present to telling what happened earlier with the letter was a bit confusing.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I think the concept is strong and I'm wondering about the feathers so I'd read at least a few more pages.
Interesting. (Don't like the title, not that you asked - it has been used SO many times.) I'm leery that this is going to become Harry Potterish, but I'd turn the page to find out.
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued by the premise of this one and thought the visual / story telling was great, with the set-up of the receipt of the invitation and then a mysterious black bag. And your protagonist starts to show some personality with your very last sentence - I'm curious to see how she (and the story) unfolds.
ReplyDeleteI do however, disagree with the last comment - not feeling anything remotely close to Harry Potter-ish on this one at all (aside from there being an invitation - but not sure that makes it the same?)...and a title can be changed, so no biggie there.
I'd definitely like to read more.
You can't go wrong starting with a bag of goose feathers. I'd love to see a YA protag who was a natural born comedian. But even if it's just tone (also a good thing) I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking secret sorority?
ReplyDeleteYou got me because I was expecting a black cloak to be in the bag, not something covered in feathers.
I like where you started. Agree with some of the others about word choice; this is a bit overwritten at times. Yet all in all this is very impactful and I want to read on.
You had me at feathers. :) That's the twist this secret invitation premise needed to hook a reader with.
ReplyDeleteLove it. I'm hooked and I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteOh, the feathers part was very interesting. So unexpected. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI think you could tighten up some lines, cut others. "Highly" in "highly requested" didn't work for me. The head-cocked paragraph could be cut or smoothed.
Very intriguing. I'd read on. Best wishes with this!